So it's been a little bit since I've posted about my life, and people keep asking me what I'm up to, so here we go!
As most of you know, in the Fall of last year I started a professional photography business which combined my love for photography with my love for people! As time went on I realized how tough my market is, not because photography is a luxury that many people don't buy, but because there are so many photographers in my area, whether quality artists or not, that charge FAR less than they should. There are certain costs that come with running a business, and their time is more valuable than they realize. I, however, know how much my time is worth, and unfortunately it is very difficult to break into a market of under-chargers when you're in one of the higher tiers of the market.
All of that is to say that I feel like God's telling me that the door is closed on my business for now, but that I will be able to pick it back up later. So where does that leave me now? Looking for work!! I can't sit at home not doing anything, so I'm moving back towards the professional workplace, looking for work in the administrative field. I had an interview this morning and it went really well, so I'm looking forward to hearing back from them! Unfortunately, I'm a very people-person and that doesn't come across in our "online application" age, so the other few applications that I have turned in haven't returned any prospects yet.
I have been making progress in the grief department, as well. Saturday was the first baby shower that I have been invited to since our loss, and the mom-to-be has been so very supportive and compassionate since our loss, so I felt like I owed it to her. Also, if I needed to leave, she would completely understand. I actually made it through the entire shower without shedding a single tear! For the most part I was fairly comfortable, due to some other friends being there. During the gift-unwrapping I had a hard moment, as no one was talking anymore (therefore my distraction was gone) and everyone decided to "ooh" and "aah" over the swaddling gift. There were flashes before my eyes of me holding a swaddling blanket with no baby to swaddle. I'll never have that opportunity with Gabriel. I won't have a shower to celebrate his life, just a blog to mourn his loss. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom to clear my head, and after coming back the conversation had resumed, so I was ok again.
So there's the long and the short of what's going on in my life! Learning to celebrate with other people and not making it all about me, and looking for a job!
Monday, June 18, 2012
Thursday, June 14, 2012
A Balancing Act
So, hypothetically speaking, you're in a community of women, some of which happen to be dealing with infertility and loss. It gives you a special bond in your TTTC (trouble trying to conceive) journeys. So what happens when one of those women, after going through heartache dealing with infertility, is pregnant with a miracle baby and announces just after you find out your pregnant too? Why, you rejoice with her! Now, what happens when you lose your little love, and a few months later that she has the exact same due date as you? Well obviously, you'll probably cry first. But then what? Where is that balance of joy for her triumph over infertility, and sorrow as you witness the milestones that you should be having?
Ok, confession. I'm not speaking of a hypothetical situation, but I'm pretty sure you've all gathered as much. And in case you end up reading this, L, I am very very happy for your rainbow baby and wish you the best second and third trimesters with your sweet little olive and that you're able to enjoy every moment of pregnancy!
So for the rest of you. This has been a very weird situation for me, because she hasn't been the typical "Omg I'm pregnant!" or "I felt the baby kick today!" type of poster, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with her sensitivity to others struggles because of where she has been. But what about those more common people, who may not have struggled for their baby, and post things all.day.long about how horrible they feel, how ready they are to just have the baby OUT already, or any other number of complaints related to the pregnancy? How do you handle that? How do you handle posts where women talk about every single teeny-tiny craving, about how they're going on a trip "before my life is over", or about how other women should be grateful they're not pregnant for [insert any number of things here] reasons?
Obviously I've seen a lot of this lately, and seen post after post on my loss support group about such things. **News flash** it's hard for women who have had a loss or struggle with infertility to be friends with these types of people! Fortunately Facebook has this little feature where you can unsubscribe from posts from particular people, but does this really solve the issue? Yes, it helps, but I think a lot of the problem is perspective. We see women not being grateful, and yes, people should be sensitive to other people's pain, but if you haven't struggled for something, do you appreciate it as much? Are we expecting too much from these naive women who just haven't known any other way of life?
It's a strange concept, knowing we should be happy for someone, but being so frustrated at their lack of gratitude for their situation. I think we just have to get to a point where we wish them health in their pregnancy and then cease communication. If it's a close friend you should probably explain the issue, justso they know you're not mad at them. Some pregnant women are easier for me to be around strictly because they know what I've been through and have a very compassionate nature. These women are the kind that understand why you're not jumpig up and down with joy at their every milestone, and don't think any less of you. Yes, there will be those selfish women that just get mad at us for not fawning over them, but that's what I call a toxic situation. Sometimes they can't be helped because they're family members, but I'm hoping that the more women who have experienced a loss start speaking up, the more aware the general population will be about the proper etiquette for interacting with us.
So for this balancing act, don't feel bad for not jumping up and down for joy, but find it somewhere within your heart to wish them the best in their journey, because you know what the pain of loss feels like, and none of us would wish that on our worst enemy. Whether they understand why you don't fawn them or not, you have found some balance in this crazy after-a-loss life.
Ok, confession. I'm not speaking of a hypothetical situation, but I'm pretty sure you've all gathered as much. And in case you end up reading this, L, I am very very happy for your rainbow baby and wish you the best second and third trimesters with your sweet little olive and that you're able to enjoy every moment of pregnancy!
So for the rest of you. This has been a very weird situation for me, because she hasn't been the typical "Omg I'm pregnant!" or "I felt the baby kick today!" type of poster, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with her sensitivity to others struggles because of where she has been. But what about those more common people, who may not have struggled for their baby, and post things all.day.long about how horrible they feel, how ready they are to just have the baby OUT already, or any other number of complaints related to the pregnancy? How do you handle that? How do you handle posts where women talk about every single teeny-tiny craving, about how they're going on a trip "before my life is over", or about how other women should be grateful they're not pregnant for [insert any number of things here] reasons?
Obviously I've seen a lot of this lately, and seen post after post on my loss support group about such things. **News flash** it's hard for women who have had a loss or struggle with infertility to be friends with these types of people! Fortunately Facebook has this little feature where you can unsubscribe from posts from particular people, but does this really solve the issue? Yes, it helps, but I think a lot of the problem is perspective. We see women not being grateful, and yes, people should be sensitive to other people's pain, but if you haven't struggled for something, do you appreciate it as much? Are we expecting too much from these naive women who just haven't known any other way of life?
It's a strange concept, knowing we should be happy for someone, but being so frustrated at their lack of gratitude for their situation. I think we just have to get to a point where we wish them health in their pregnancy and then cease communication. If it's a close friend you should probably explain the issue, justso they know you're not mad at them. Some pregnant women are easier for me to be around strictly because they know what I've been through and have a very compassionate nature. These women are the kind that understand why you're not jumpig up and down with joy at their every milestone, and don't think any less of you. Yes, there will be those selfish women that just get mad at us for not fawning over them, but that's what I call a toxic situation. Sometimes they can't be helped because they're family members, but I'm hoping that the more women who have experienced a loss start speaking up, the more aware the general population will be about the proper etiquette for interacting with us.
So for this balancing act, don't feel bad for not jumping up and down for joy, but find it somewhere within your heart to wish them the best in their journey, because you know what the pain of loss feels like, and none of us would wish that on our worst enemy. Whether they understand why you don't fawn them or not, you have found some balance in this crazy after-a-loss life.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Why?
God, why would you do this to me? Why do teenagers get pregnant and have babies, and I'm sitting here mourning the loss of mine? We have a wonderful marriage, a home that we own, my husband has a fantastic job, and yet we still don't have a child. Why? The response I keep getting:
"Who are you to question my sovereign will?"
Well I guess I can end this post there. That's a very definitive statement. Unfortunately, that answer brings up many more questions in our human minds. "What did I do to cause you to punish me this way?" A very wise person told me that what we sometimes perceive things as punishment when they're meant for our protection. {none of these following examples have any factual basis, they are merely to emphasize my point}
You were rejected by the cute surfer in your first semester Economics class. You lost the championship soccer game your senior year of high school, and with it your future career. You broke your foot two days before your senior prom and had to miss it. That guy who rejected you in college? You see him on the news years later in jail for beating his girlfriend. You may be single still, but it's far better than that alternative. God protected you! If you had won that soccer game you would have skipped past college, and never would have met that woman that was struggling with depression and just needed a friend. If you hadn't broken your foot before the prom you might never have gone to med school.
Now here's my disclaimer. These situations could be true of some of you, but that doesn't mean that you'll be able to see those moments as positive defining moments in your life. When I looked back to that little girl sitting alone on the rug in her room, just wanting to spend time with her sister's friends, I just saw a sad little girl. What I didn't see, but see now, is that I being strengthened and prepared to relate to my high school students as they deal with the same sort of "alone" feelings. This didn't come to me spontaneously, this came from several sessions with my therapist and I praying that God would reveal the moments of hurt in my past and redeem them; to show me where He was working in my life when I didn't see it.
I have to keep reminding myself that God has only the best in store for me in the end, and that I may not understand the "why" but I have to trust that He will be there with me and will make me stronger in the process. I'll leave you with this poem by Mary Stevenson (if you've read it before, appease me and read it again keeping this whole post in mind):
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
That if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
"Who are you to question my sovereign will?"
Well I guess I can end this post there. That's a very definitive statement. Unfortunately, that answer brings up many more questions in our human minds. "What did I do to cause you to punish me this way?" A very wise person told me that what we sometimes perceive things as punishment when they're meant for our protection. {none of these following examples have any factual basis, they are merely to emphasize my point}
You were rejected by the cute surfer in your first semester Economics class. You lost the championship soccer game your senior year of high school, and with it your future career. You broke your foot two days before your senior prom and had to miss it. That guy who rejected you in college? You see him on the news years later in jail for beating his girlfriend. You may be single still, but it's far better than that alternative. God protected you! If you had won that soccer game you would have skipped past college, and never would have met that woman that was struggling with depression and just needed a friend. If you hadn't broken your foot before the prom you might never have gone to med school.
Now here's my disclaimer. These situations could be true of some of you, but that doesn't mean that you'll be able to see those moments as positive defining moments in your life. When I looked back to that little girl sitting alone on the rug in her room, just wanting to spend time with her sister's friends, I just saw a sad little girl. What I didn't see, but see now, is that I being strengthened and prepared to relate to my high school students as they deal with the same sort of "alone" feelings. This didn't come to me spontaneously, this came from several sessions with my therapist and I praying that God would reveal the moments of hurt in my past and redeem them; to show me where He was working in my life when I didn't see it.
I have to keep reminding myself that God has only the best in store for me in the end, and that I may not understand the "why" but I have to trust that He will be there with me and will make me stronger in the process. I'll leave you with this poem by Mary Stevenson (if you've read it before, appease me and read it again keeping this whole post in mind):
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
That if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
To Hope vs. To Wait
Today I’m going to go in a slightly more theological direction, but it will be great (and probably very wordy, as my friend Amy puts it), so try and keep up with my ramblings! Yesterday I was in my therapy session talking about being hopeful for the future, and she dropped an awesome knowledge bomb on me! In many languages the words “hope” and “wait” have only one word. For example, to say either of these words in Spanish, you use the word “esperar”. Are you following?
So I decided to dig a little (ok, a lot) deeper. She mentioned that it’s the same in Hebrew, and since I like to verify facts before I write them, I spent a while using Dr. Google. It was hard at first, not knowing how to read Hebrew, but I gradually got a stride and got some work done, and what I found was awesome! But let’s pause for a second (or a couple of paragraphs) so I can talk about why I was so blown away by this fact.
When I hear the word “hope” I think of the glass being half full. When I hope for my next pregnancy each month, I am waiting expectantly and eagerly for that positive test. I am living day to day in an eager anticipation for what I have confidence will come. Why do I have this confidence? Well, that’s a whole other story, but I’ll keep it brief. I know that the Lord planted a desire in my heart to have children from a young age, and whether I have one of my own body or adopt one that He sends to me, I know I will be a mother. So I continue about my life, but I also am patient for the Lord to work in His timing.
When I hear the word “wait” I can only think of impatience. Our modern culture, especially in America, is very NOW minded. We want what we want, when we want it. Let me repeat that. We want WHAT we want, WHEN we want it. There is a reason it is so hard to get the latest iPhone or iPad, and that’s because EVERYONE who wants one is in line to buy one. Our nation is so “me” oriented that we can’t stop and see how demanding and childish we’re being. I can’t tell you how many clips I’ve seen of Black Friday stampedes. Are we that desperate to get the things that we want that we’d be willing to trample people?? What a glass-half-empty lifestyle, always wanting something else, never being content.
Here’s a verse I read today: “And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.” (Psalm 39:7). The first word, “wait” is from the Hebrew “Qavah” which means “to hope, wait, and expect” and “to wait eagerly for”. That sounds like hope to me! The second word, “hope” is from a Hebrew word whose root is “Yachal”, which also means “to wait, hope, expect.” So I found it QUITE intriguing that there are two Hebrew root words that mean the exact same thing: to look forward to something eagerly. However, I also found a common theme among many analysts and bloggers online. Another meaning of the word Qavah is “to bind together like a twisted rope”, and it binds together patience and hope. Waiting is a twisted rope of patience and hope. I don’t know about you, but this is not the “wait” that I grew up with!
Yesterday after my session I watched the first video of 10 weeks in a Beth Moore Bible study on Esther. How crazy that in the midst of this study, she offered a definition of “hope” as it relates to the Greek word in the Bible: “It is subjectively the inner, psychological sense of hope; confidence, eager anticipation, expectation, longing, or aspiration.” Even when you don’t see God working in your life, you know that He’s about to show up in a mighty way. It may not be today or tomorrow, but when He’s working unseen in your life, how much greater will it be when He makes Himself known?
“Ok, Sarah, I’m bored. Can you please tell me what this has to do with loss and trying to get pregnant?” Why certainly! My epiphany is this: If waiting is meant to be patience and hope, then I need to look at this experience day by day and wait eagerly for the day that the Lord will give me what He has in store for me (and not be mad or angry if a cycle passes and I’m not pregnant). Instead of spending each month thinking, “Will I EVER get pregnant again? Will I ever have a successful pregnancy?” I need to focus on the fact that my Lord won’t give me a stone when I ask for bread. Nothing bad will come from me asking Him for a child over and over (in fact, He wants us to ask Him for the desires of our hearts), but I also know that He will give me what I need to be fulfilled. That means that if I need to have more time right now with my husband to develop our relationship and communication, before it’s complicated with other little lives that depend on us, then I know He won’t give me my children yet. And right now, as much as I may hurt, I know that in the end He will be glorified, and isn’t that all that really matters?
So I decided to dig a little (ok, a lot) deeper. She mentioned that it’s the same in Hebrew, and since I like to verify facts before I write them, I spent a while using Dr. Google. It was hard at first, not knowing how to read Hebrew, but I gradually got a stride and got some work done, and what I found was awesome! But let’s pause for a second (or a couple of paragraphs) so I can talk about why I was so blown away by this fact.
When I hear the word “hope” I think of the glass being half full. When I hope for my next pregnancy each month, I am waiting expectantly and eagerly for that positive test. I am living day to day in an eager anticipation for what I have confidence will come. Why do I have this confidence? Well, that’s a whole other story, but I’ll keep it brief. I know that the Lord planted a desire in my heart to have children from a young age, and whether I have one of my own body or adopt one that He sends to me, I know I will be a mother. So I continue about my life, but I also am patient for the Lord to work in His timing.
When I hear the word “wait” I can only think of impatience. Our modern culture, especially in America, is very NOW minded. We want what we want, when we want it. Let me repeat that. We want WHAT we want, WHEN we want it. There is a reason it is so hard to get the latest iPhone or iPad, and that’s because EVERYONE who wants one is in line to buy one. Our nation is so “me” oriented that we can’t stop and see how demanding and childish we’re being. I can’t tell you how many clips I’ve seen of Black Friday stampedes. Are we that desperate to get the things that we want that we’d be willing to trample people?? What a glass-half-empty lifestyle, always wanting something else, never being content.
Here’s a verse I read today: “And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.” (Psalm 39:7). The first word, “wait” is from the Hebrew “Qavah” which means “to hope, wait, and expect” and “to wait eagerly for”. That sounds like hope to me! The second word, “hope” is from a Hebrew word whose root is “Yachal”, which also means “to wait, hope, expect.” So I found it QUITE intriguing that there are two Hebrew root words that mean the exact same thing: to look forward to something eagerly. However, I also found a common theme among many analysts and bloggers online. Another meaning of the word Qavah is “to bind together like a twisted rope”, and it binds together patience and hope. Waiting is a twisted rope of patience and hope. I don’t know about you, but this is not the “wait” that I grew up with!
Yesterday after my session I watched the first video of 10 weeks in a Beth Moore Bible study on Esther. How crazy that in the midst of this study, she offered a definition of “hope” as it relates to the Greek word in the Bible: “It is subjectively the inner, psychological sense of hope; confidence, eager anticipation, expectation, longing, or aspiration.” Even when you don’t see God working in your life, you know that He’s about to show up in a mighty way. It may not be today or tomorrow, but when He’s working unseen in your life, how much greater will it be when He makes Himself known?
“Ok, Sarah, I’m bored. Can you please tell me what this has to do with loss and trying to get pregnant?” Why certainly! My epiphany is this: If waiting is meant to be patience and hope, then I need to look at this experience day by day and wait eagerly for the day that the Lord will give me what He has in store for me (and not be mad or angry if a cycle passes and I’m not pregnant). Instead of spending each month thinking, “Will I EVER get pregnant again? Will I ever have a successful pregnancy?” I need to focus on the fact that my Lord won’t give me a stone when I ask for bread. Nothing bad will come from me asking Him for a child over and over (in fact, He wants us to ask Him for the desires of our hearts), but I also know that He will give me what I need to be fulfilled. That means that if I need to have more time right now with my husband to develop our relationship and communication, before it’s complicated with other little lives that depend on us, then I know He won’t give me my children yet. And right now, as much as I may hurt, I know that in the end He will be glorified, and isn’t that all that really matters?
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