Pain, Grief, & Joy

What is pain?

Is pain the presence of something that hurts us, or could it be the absence of joy?

I believe the latter, and I'll explain why. In my life, I have experienced much pain. However, I believe that pain is different from grief. Grief comes from losing something, or someone, that brought joy to our lives, like my Gabriel. I grieve that I won't be meeting him in 2.5 weeks like I should be. I should have been a giant pumpkin for our church's festival, but instead I didn't have a big belly to decorate. I grieve that I won't be able to celebrate is first words, his first steps, first day of school, and every other first, second, and third in his life. 

Despite my grief, I have joy. I rejoice that he won't be experiencing the pain of this world. He won't endure the mudslinging of politics, the heartbreak from women, and the all important divide between him and his Savior. He got to skip straight to home plate!!

To me, if I didn't have those things to rejoice in, I would be enduring pain. Instead, I CHOOSE to have joy, despite my sorrow, and know that the Maker who made me is the same one who made my son. He is also the same Maker who sacrificed His own only son to save this wretched world. Who better knows my heart than a Father who grieved the loss of His son?!

So when someone asks me if I'm in pain over the loss of my child, I say no, because I believe with my whole heart that pain is the absence of joy, and I take joy in the circumstances God gives me, whether I like them or not!

In what do you delight?

Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Ok, great! So all I have to do then is to delight in the Lord and then I can have my rainbow baby? Well, it's not quite that simple... This is something that has been woven through my life, quite often, in the past few years.

First let's look at what it means to "delight" in the Lord. The word delight, as it is here in verb form, means to "take great pleasure." In context that means that we take great pleasure in the Lord! Sounds easy enough, right? When you're taking great pleasure in the Lord, you're involved in His word, and your heart follows His.

So now the concept of receiving the desires of your heart. As I just said, when we delight in the Lord, our hearts are intertwined with what HIS heart is for. His desires are for a world redeemed, for all to know Him and love Him. So when our hearts are intertwined with His, the desires of our hearts become a desire for His will to be done! What a bittersweet concept. There's no promise that women can conceive children if they would just delight in the Lord. There's no guarantee that if you just delight in the Lord, you'll get enough money to be able to buy that nice, new house. What IS guaranteed, is that your heart will be so overwhelmed with His desires for you that you will be content in whatever circumstances you find yourself in, because that's where His will is.

What a tough concept to stick to. I'll leave you with this question. What do you dwell on? What do you spend your free time doing? Do you delight in facebook? Do you delight in Pinterest? Do you delight in charting your temperature and obsessing over your chart as you TTC impatiently for that elusive rainbow baby? Or do you take a step back from all of that and focus on the One who truly matters, when all else will eventually fade away and He is all that will remain?

I definitely put myself in the midst of that. I take some delight from facebook, Pinterest, TTC, as well as some from the Lord. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But I have my moments of contentment. One of these was today, and hopefully it produced a reminder every day that I see it. Our church is very fortunate to have an extremely talented artist, by the name of Sereen Gualtieri. She paints acrylics on reclaimed wood as a form of worship. I was drawn to a few of her paintings that she was selling this morning (all of the money goes to a project to save enslaved children in India) and I saw the scripture she had for this painting: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4. That struck such a note with me that I was intrigued. Then as I was debating buying it, she mentioned that my outfit actually matched the woman in the painting: white shirt, colored skirt, and curly hair (which she doesn't often do).

So, taking a step of faith that the Lord had a purpose for this painting in my life, I bought it! And oddly enough, it wasn't listed online with all of the others. I can only wonder what God wants to use this painting for in my life, but even if it's just a constant reminder to delight in Him, it was well worth it.

Time for an update!

So it's been a little bit since I've posted about my life, and people keep asking me what I'm up to, so here we go!

As most of you know, in the Fall of last year I started a professional photography business which combined my love for photography with my love for people! As time went on I realized how tough my market is, not because photography is a luxury that many people don't buy, but because there are so many photographers in my area, whether quality artists or not, that charge FAR less than they should. There are certain costs that come with running a business, and their time is more valuable than they realize. I, however, know how much my time is worth, and unfortunately it is very difficult to break into a market of under-chargers when you're in one of the higher tiers of the market.

All of that is to say that I feel like God's telling me that the door is closed on my business for now, but that I will be able to pick it back up later. So where does that leave me now? Looking for work!! I can't sit at home not doing anything, so I'm moving back towards the professional workplace, looking for work in the administrative field. I had an interview this morning and it went really well, so I'm looking forward to hearing back from them! Unfortunately, I'm a very people-person and that doesn't come across in our "online application" age, so the other few applications that I have turned in haven't returned any prospects yet.

I have been making progress in the grief department, as well. Saturday was the first baby shower that I have been invited to since our loss, and the mom-to-be has been so very supportive and compassionate since our loss, so I felt like I owed it to her. Also, if I needed to leave, she would completely understand. I actually made it through the entire shower without shedding a single tear! For the most part I was fairly comfortable, due to some other friends being there. During the gift-unwrapping I had a hard moment, as no one was talking anymore (therefore my distraction was gone) and everyone decided to "ooh" and "aah" over the swaddling gift. There were flashes before my eyes of me holding a swaddling blanket with no baby to swaddle. I'll never have that opportunity with Gabriel. I won't have a shower to celebrate his life, just a blog to mourn his loss. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom to clear my head, and after coming back the conversation had resumed, so I was ok again.

So there's the long and the short of what's going on in my life! Learning to celebrate with other people and not making it all about me, and looking for a job!

A Balancing Act

      So, hypothetically speaking, you're in a community of women, some of which happen to be dealing with infertility and loss. It gives you a special bond in your TTTC (trouble trying to conceive) journeys. So what happens when one of those women, after going through heartache dealing with infertility, is pregnant with a miracle baby and announces just after you find out your pregnant too? Why, you rejoice with her! Now, what happens when you lose your little love, and a few months later that she has the exact same due date as you? Well obviously, you'll probably cry first. But then what? Where is that balance of joy for her triumph over infertility, and sorrow as you witness the milestones that you should be having?

      Ok, confession. I'm not speaking of a hypothetical situation, but I'm pretty sure you've all gathered as much. And in case you end up reading this, L, I am very very happy for your rainbow baby and wish you the best second and third trimesters with your sweet little olive and that you're able to enjoy every moment of pregnancy!

      So for the rest of you. This has been a very weird situation for me, because she hasn't been the typical "Omg I'm pregnant!" or "I felt the baby kick today!" type of poster, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with her sensitivity to others struggles because of where she has been. But what about those more common people, who may not have struggled for their baby, and post things all.day.long about how horrible they feel, how ready they are to just have the baby OUT already, or any other number of complaints related to the pregnancy? How do you handle that? How do you handle posts where women talk about every single teeny-tiny craving, about how they're going on a trip "before my life is over", or about how other women should be grateful they're not pregnant for [insert any number of things here] reasons? 

      Obviously I've seen a lot of this lately, and seen post after post on my loss support group about such things. **News flash** it's hard for women who have had a loss or struggle with infertility to be friends with these types of people! Fortunately Facebook has this little feature where you can unsubscribe from posts from particular people, but does this really solve the issue? Yes, it helps, but I think a lot of the problem is perspective. We see women not being grateful, and yes, people should be sensitive to other people's pain, but if you haven't struggled for something, do you appreciate it as much? Are we expecting too much from these naive women who just haven't known any other way of life?

      It's a strange concept, knowing we should be happy for someone, but being so frustrated at their lack of gratitude for their situation. I think we just have to get to a point where we wish them health in their pregnancy and then cease communication. If it's a close friend you should probably explain the issue, justso they know you're not mad at them. Some pregnant women are easier for me to be around strictly because they know what I've been through and have a very compassionate nature. These women are the kind that understand why you're not jumpig up and down with joy at their every milestone, and don't think any less of you. Yes, there will be those selfish women that just get mad at us for not fawning over them, but that's what I call a toxic situation. Sometimes they can't be helped because they're family members, but I'm hoping that the more women who have experienced a loss start speaking up, the more aware the general population will be about the proper etiquette for interacting with us.

      So for this balancing act, don't feel bad for not jumping up and down for joy, but find it somewhere within your heart to wish them the best in their journey, because you know what the pain of loss feels like, and none of us would wish that on our worst enemy. Whether they understand why you don't fawn them or not, you have found some balance in this crazy after-a-loss life.