First off, I will warn you that this might get long, but you only have to read it once! :) Here is the tale of our unexplained infertility (due to not going for testing) and our miscarriage.
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In October of 2009, James (my husband) was in a severe accident where he was hit by a car on his bicycle. He's fine now, but after he recovered, we both decided that if something had happened to him, I would have been heartbroken without a piece of him. This was the final straw in us deciding that we wanted to go ahead and have a child. We started trying in January of 2010.
The first 6 months we just hoped God would take care of everything and we'd get pregnant, so when that didn't happen we went ahead and really dug into learning how to utilize Natural Family Planning (NFP). I charted for over a year after that, all with no results. We prayed and prayed that God would give us a child, and many times we each had our weak moments where we decided to seek out a fertility specialist (Reproductive Endocrinologist), but fortunately one of us was always strong and we never went. One of us always had faith that God had a plan in all of this.
In February of 2012, James stood up as the spiritual head of our household and said that we would live like God had finally decided to bless us with a child. The entire month, we hoped, prayed, and believed against all odds that God would finally let us have a baby. March 14th I got my first positive! It was an amazing moment, one I had dreamed of, planned how I would tell James, as well as the rest of the family, and all I could do was walk out into our living room with joyous tears filling my eyes to show him the test.
We were both overcome with joy, as well as a little apprehension that a little person was going to depend on us for love and support for the rest of their lives, but we were both so shocked and amazed at how great God was!!! I called my doctor, scheduled my first appointment, and went about my merry way for a week and a half, telling as few people as I could muster, but my joy was spreading and I couldn't contain it!!
On March 23rd before my first appointment with the nurse, I noticed that I had some brown spotting. Knowing this was VERY common, I only let myself worry a little as I got ready. Once I got to the doctor's office, it was now bright red spotting. After an emergency ultrasound, it revealed nothing, so I had bloodwork done that afternoon, as well as the next Monday. Over the weekend, I put myself on bedrest from all of the spotting, which got worse. I'll keep the details out, but it was bad. We spent Sunday night and Monday grieving our lost baby.
Monday night, James asked if he could pray for us, and as angry as I was with God, I didn't want to hear it. He prayed anyway (thanks to God for this man!!), and while he did, God gave me the sweetest vision I've ever had... I saw a sweet little blonde toddler boy running and waddling towards me. He was dressed in all white, and everywhere around him was white. He stopped when he got close to me, looked at me with a big ol' smile and waved to me!! In my heart I knew this was my son... this was my Gabriel! Safe in heaven, not having to worry about the things of this wretched world!
I called the nurse on Tuesday morning to make sure my bloodwork wasn't indicative of an ectopic pregnancy, and she had me come in for another ultrasound. My numbers were rising like those of a woman with a viable pregnancy. My mom drove over to go with me, and what we saw floored me. There was a gestational sac, measuring a bit small, but all seemed well!!! We spoke to the doctor and she said all we could do was wait a week and have another ultrasound. I spent the next week dealing with bleeding and cramping, while taking progesterone that knocked me out. At this point, we believed we lost a twin since it explained everything.
Well, needless to say, Tuesday April 3rd proved to be a very sad day. James and I went in for our follow-up ultrasound and there was absolutely nothing to be seen. We had officially lost the baby. The nurses were very sweet and told us the procedures going forward to try again, but at that point I was trying to not let the floodgates out.
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As you just read, my story has been one of yearning, long-suffering, and very trying. Throughout it all, I have found myself closer to God than ever before. This is my story, and I hope that as you read my posts you will know me better, feel open to sharing your story, and realize that there is hope, even in this darkness. Also, my story is FAR from over. I am in the midst of the grieving process, and don't know how long it will last, but I plan on documenting every step of the way in hopes that I can help someone else make it through with their faith intact, or to find themselves even closer to God!
