Time for an update!

So it's been a little bit since I've posted about my life, and people keep asking me what I'm up to, so here we go!

As most of you know, in the Fall of last year I started a professional photography business which combined my love for photography with my love for people! As time went on I realized how tough my market is, not because photography is a luxury that many people don't buy, but because there are so many photographers in my area, whether quality artists or not, that charge FAR less than they should. There are certain costs that come with running a business, and their time is more valuable than they realize. I, however, know how much my time is worth, and unfortunately it is very difficult to break into a market of under-chargers when you're in one of the higher tiers of the market.

All of that is to say that I feel like God's telling me that the door is closed on my business for now, but that I will be able to pick it back up later. So where does that leave me now? Looking for work!! I can't sit at home not doing anything, so I'm moving back towards the professional workplace, looking for work in the administrative field. I had an interview this morning and it went really well, so I'm looking forward to hearing back from them! Unfortunately, I'm a very people-person and that doesn't come across in our "online application" age, so the other few applications that I have turned in haven't returned any prospects yet.

I have been making progress in the grief department, as well. Saturday was the first baby shower that I have been invited to since our loss, and the mom-to-be has been so very supportive and compassionate since our loss, so I felt like I owed it to her. Also, if I needed to leave, she would completely understand. I actually made it through the entire shower without shedding a single tear! For the most part I was fairly comfortable, due to some other friends being there. During the gift-unwrapping I had a hard moment, as no one was talking anymore (therefore my distraction was gone) and everyone decided to "ooh" and "aah" over the swaddling gift. There were flashes before my eyes of me holding a swaddling blanket with no baby to swaddle. I'll never have that opportunity with Gabriel. I won't have a shower to celebrate his life, just a blog to mourn his loss. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom to clear my head, and after coming back the conversation had resumed, so I was ok again.

So there's the long and the short of what's going on in my life! Learning to celebrate with other people and not making it all about me, and looking for a job!

Back from a 3 week break :)

After taking a break for our vacation, I decided to let it continue until after Memorial Day. We had a great trip to the Smoky Mountains in North Carolina, and I really had time to relax and spend some quality time with my husband. Sure, some of our time was spent watching the Food Network and researching mountain bikes (James) and vintage cameras (me), but it was a great time together!! 

Since returning from our vacation, I've had the opportunity to go to therapy weekly, seeing a woman who shares my faith, as well as my theology. In three weeks of talking, she has told me that i am grieving very normally, which was a huge encouragement. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have other past junk that we feel God wants me to work through, but it does mean that God has given me the opportunity to grieve in a healthy manner.

What does grief look like for you? For me, one large thing I did was to purchase this memorial necklace in honor of Gabriel. (Huge thanks to Nettles Jewelery who toiled to help me search catalogs for the perfect necklace!)

The best part about it? The two hearts are intertwined in a way that if you took away the little heart, the big heart is no longer whole. To me it's a perfect symbol of where I am right now: missing my child who is a part of me, but still having parts of my heart that are whole and ready to be consumed by some rainbow babies. In case I haven't used that term before, a rainbow baby is a take-home miracle baby after a storm (loss, infertility, etc). And a take-home baby is one that makes it successfully through the pregnancy and gets to go home to live with mommy and daddy. We're praying very hard for our rainbow baby, and I'm praying for many others to have theirs as well.

At the risk of sharing too much, I want to add that we women aren't the only ones that have our struggles. Our husbands aren't big emotionless bears. Over memorial day weekend, we spent time with James' work family, and one woman was 7-8 months pregnant, and there were two babies, 13 months and 6 months. To make matters worse, we were the only young couple with no children or children in utero. I'd encourage you ladies to be sensitive to what your husband might be going through. James had a difficult time at the beginning of this weekend (as did I) and he talked to me when he wanted to. Don't force them to talk, because it doesn't always help, and it might cause them frustration if they AREN'T hurting, because they feel like they should be hurting. Just be there for support!!!

I won't be posting as often on my blog right now because I'm busy working through things in my life, as well as searching for a job. I can't say how much it means to me to have readers who care about our story, and I really love hearing YOUR stories! Feel free to email me your story at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com :)

An Update: The Mundane & The Difficult

It has been 4 weeks... 4 weeks since I got the worst news I've had in my life...

The Mundane:

Well, I've decided to take a step back from photography. Not only is my market completely over-saturated with photographers (great ones and not-so-great ones), but I've been having a hard time getting a leg up in the industry. I feel as if God is trying to tell me to ale a break, that the business will flourish in its time.

So this means that now I am looking for a job! What am I going to do? Well, I am great doing receptionist and administrative assistant work, and a few opportunities are currently available, so I'm waiting to see where God wants me!

The Difficult:

After a lot of consideration, I have decided to seek out a therapist. Keeping our private life private, I'll just say that I'm having issues communicating what's emotionally going on wth me right now, not only to others but also to myself. I know it sounds strange, but I'm not even sure what I'm feeling, and when I do know, I don't know WHY I feel that way. After talking this through with James (who is being amazingly gracious and supportive right now!!), we both agreed it would be great for me.

Just a side note to my friends. Please don't be offended if I don't open up to you. Talking about how I'm feeling is VERY difficult (it's all I can do to blog!) right now, so please have some grace with me and know its just my current emotions talking. And some times are harder than others (evening is more difficult for me, usually), but I might surprise you and be very open and candid. Just be ready for whatever! Hahaha!

So there you have it! I'm being candid, which is VERY difficult for me right now, but I wanted to keep up the purpose of this blog. I intended it for a way to share my raw feelings (well, somewhat raw), so that no woman struggling after a loss needs to feel alone in her journey!!! Please share my blog with anyone you think may benefit from it!

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If you'd like to share your story of pregnancy loss or infant loss on my blog, please contact me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information!!