On a day when our nation saw so much tragedy as 20 innocent little children and 6 brave adults were tragically shot, I experienced my own form of tragedy. But let me back up for a moment to give you the whole story.
The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I found out I was finally pregnant again! After 3 years spent trying to get pregnant and to REMAIN pregnant, I was pregnant with my little rainbow. I had a hunch for the past few months that it wasn't far off, and that it would be a girl. One night in bed, James confessed he thought it was going to be a girl, not knowing my thoughts! My mother even expressed the same thing!!
After a small bout with spotting and a low progesterone number, I quickly got on a progesterone supplement and all was well! My numbers looked great, the spotting stopped, and we had an ultrasound scheduled for the next week, when I should have been 6 weeks along. I felt different this time. I felt like God was giving me this one for keeps! It was amazing to be pregnant after a loss without fear! More like a MIRACLE! I knew how big my God was, and that's all that mattered! :)
Our ultrasound went well, although the baby was measuring a little behind at only 5w2d, but this didn't concern me. Why? Because my God is so big, so strong, and so mighty! After my ultrasound I started having some spotting, which is COMPLETELY normal. I spoke with a nurse and was given all the scenarios of when to call for help or when to not worry at all. I handled it like a champ! Somehow I wasn't freaking out!
Until the next night at dinner, when there were some microscopic clots (this is a red flag). Then there was one that was slightly bigger. When I got home, the spotting turned into a flow. Commence my entire body shivering with nerves. I spoke with the doctor on call, and she told me what I already knew. I could go to the ER, but it wasn't entirely necessary because none of my symptoms were putting my life at risk, and there wasn't anything they could do to stop a miscarriage. I laid in bed, completely numb, and after another trip to the bathroom, my worst nightmare was confirmed. Another very large clot. Just like last time.
How do I go on? How do I continue my journey for children? Is my body defective? How do I risk more heartache? I know I'm meant to have children, but is this REALLY how God wants to prepare me?
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
And I am so weak.
All I want is my sweet Gabriel and my sweet Magdalena Rose. Is that so much to ask? Oh God, my God, why do I feel like you have forsaken me???
Yet somehow, in the midst of all of this pain and heartache, there is this quiet, lingering sense of peace.
