On a day when our nation saw so much tragedy as 20 innocent little children and 6 brave adults were tragically shot, I experienced my own form of tragedy. But let me back up for a moment to give you the whole story.
The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I found out I was finally pregnant again! After 3 years spent trying to get pregnant and to REMAIN pregnant, I was pregnant with my little rainbow. I had a hunch for the past few months that it wasn't far off, and that it would be a girl. One night in bed, James confessed he thought it was going to be a girl, not knowing my thoughts! My mother even expressed the same thing!!
After a small bout with spotting and a low progesterone number, I quickly got on a progesterone supplement and all was well! My numbers looked great, the spotting stopped, and we had an ultrasound scheduled for the next week, when I should have been 6 weeks along. I felt different this time. I felt like God was giving me this one for keeps! It was amazing to be pregnant after a loss without fear! More like a MIRACLE! I knew how big my God was, and that's all that mattered! :)
Our ultrasound went well, although the baby was measuring a little behind at only 5w2d, but this didn't concern me. Why? Because my God is so big, so strong, and so mighty! After my ultrasound I started having some spotting, which is COMPLETELY normal. I spoke with a nurse and was given all the scenarios of when to call for help or when to not worry at all. I handled it like a champ! Somehow I wasn't freaking out!
Until the next night at dinner, when there were some microscopic clots (this is a red flag). Then there was one that was slightly bigger. When I got home, the spotting turned into a flow. Commence my entire body shivering with nerves. I spoke with the doctor on call, and she told me what I already knew. I could go to the ER, but it wasn't entirely necessary because none of my symptoms were putting my life at risk, and there wasn't anything they could do to stop a miscarriage. I laid in bed, completely numb, and after another trip to the bathroom, my worst nightmare was confirmed. Another very large clot. Just like last time.
How do I go on? How do I continue my journey for children? Is my body defective? How do I risk more heartache? I know I'm meant to have children, but is this REALLY how God wants to prepare me?
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
And I am so weak.
All I want is my sweet Gabriel and my sweet Magdalena Rose. Is that so much to ask? Oh God, my God, why do I feel like you have forsaken me???
Yet somehow, in the midst of all of this pain and heartache, there is this quiet, lingering sense of peace.
My heart aches so much more for you after reading this, love. I'm so very sorry that you're going through this again and I hope the your sense of peace continues to grow.
ReplyDeleteI love your angel's name. HUGS!
In times like these, no words are ever enough. But God is always enough, like you said, even though it can be hard to see that in these times. Keep clinging to God's promises. I have found this passage to help me through the darkest of times: Isaiah 40:27-31: "Why do you say, O Jacob, and complain, O Israel,'My way is hidden from the Lord, my cause is disregarded by my God?' Do you know know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary and His understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." God, I pray that you strength Sarah and her husband. Keep them close to them. Surround them by your love and power. Do not ever stop loving them. Show them that you are near. Bless them, Lord. And help them.
ReplyDeleteI am so so sorry....it's true that there are no words for the heart ache you are feeling. I pray that as you grieve you will feel safely wrapped in God's arms every moment.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry Sarah. I didn't even know you had already had this happen before. I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Love,Kenyon
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry, Sarah!
ReplyDeleteSo sorry for your loss and there are no words to make you feel better I'm sure. I have Caleb and Sarah in heaven playing with Jesus (lost both about 6 weeks). We have 2 children on earth now too (our oldest came about 2 years after our last miscarriage). Prayers to you during this time.
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