So, hypothetically speaking, you're in a community of women, some of which happen to be dealing with infertility and loss. It gives you a special bond in your TTTC (trouble trying to conceive) journeys. So what happens when one of those women, after going through heartache dealing with infertility, is pregnant with a miracle baby and announces just after you find out your pregnant too? Why, you rejoice with her! Now, what happens when you lose your little love, and a few months later that she has the exact same due date as you? Well obviously, you'll probably cry first. But then what? Where is that balance of joy for her triumph over infertility, and sorrow as you witness the milestones that you should be having?
Ok, confession. I'm not speaking of a hypothetical situation, but I'm pretty sure you've all gathered as much. And in case you end up reading this, L, I am very very happy for your rainbow baby and wish you the best second and third trimesters with your sweet little olive and that you're able to enjoy every moment of pregnancy!
So for the rest of you. This has been a very weird situation for me, because she hasn't been the typical "Omg I'm pregnant!" or "I felt the baby kick today!" type of poster, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with her sensitivity to others struggles because of where she has been. But what about those more common people, who may not have struggled for their baby, and post things all.day.long about how horrible they feel, how ready they are to just have the baby OUT already, or any other number of complaints related to the pregnancy? How do you handle that? How do you handle posts where women talk about every single teeny-tiny craving, about how they're going on a trip "before my life is over", or about how other women should be grateful they're not pregnant for [insert any number of things here] reasons?
Obviously I've seen a lot of this lately, and seen post after post on my loss support group about such things. **News flash** it's hard for women who have had a loss or struggle with infertility to be friends with these types of people! Fortunately Facebook has this little feature where you can unsubscribe from posts from particular people, but does this really solve the issue? Yes, it helps, but I think a lot of the problem is perspective. We see women not being grateful, and yes, people should be sensitive to other people's pain, but if you haven't struggled for something, do you appreciate it as much? Are we expecting too much from these naive women who just haven't known any other way of life?
It's a strange concept, knowing we should be happy for someone, but being so frustrated at their lack of gratitude for their situation. I think we just have to get to a point where we wish them health in their pregnancy and then cease communication. If it's a close friend you should probably explain the issue, justso they know you're not mad at them. Some pregnant women are easier for me to be around strictly because they know what I've been through and have a very compassionate nature. These women are the kind that understand why you're not jumpig up and down with joy at their every milestone, and don't think any less of you. Yes, there will be those selfish women that just get mad at us for not fawning over them, but that's what I call a toxic situation. Sometimes they can't be helped because they're family members, but I'm hoping that the more women who have experienced a loss start speaking up, the more aware the general population will be about the proper etiquette for interacting with us.
So for this balancing act, don't feel bad for not jumping up and down for joy, but find it somewhere within your heart to wish them the best in their journey, because you know what the pain of loss feels like, and none of us would wish that on our worst enemy. Whether they understand why you don't fawn them or not, you have found some balance in this crazy after-a-loss life.
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