Friends & Family Friday

Understanding the difference between "fixing" & "listening." I'll warn you, I ended up ranting a little in this post!!

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After a few discussions with some other ladies I know, as well as with my husband, I came to a realization. We don't want you to try and justify or "fix" our situation. Plain and simple. What do I mean by that? Here are a few examples of "fixing" statements.

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"There was obviously something wrong with the baby. You wouldn't want a sick baby, would you?"
First off, there are more things wrong with this statement than trying to "fix" the situation by offering a reason for the loss. It's very very insensitive. I would definitely want a sick baby if it's what God had in store for me. As much as I would be pained to see my child suffer - call me selfish - I'd be able to hold my child, watch him breathe, touch his skin, & see his heart beat. So the fact is now that you have added to my pain by reminding me of what I could be missing out on. When people try to "fix" things, 9 times out of 10 (maybe even more often than that) people end up making things worse.

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"At least you weren't further along."
What people don't seem to understand is that for a couple to have a positive pregnancy test, ESPECIALLY those who have been TTC for a long time, or struggling with IF, there is a deeply seeded emotional attachment from the moment that line turns the faintest bit pink. It doesn't matter if it is a chemical pregnancy (one that is miscarried before a sac has formed), or if it was an infant loss. There is a bond between mother and child. Yes, I know the pain would be even greater if I had been further along, but whatever you do, DON'T diminish my pain, because it's one of the worst emotional pains that a woman deals with in her entire life. No woman should have to mourn the loss of her child.

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Now I'll take a step back from my loss soapbox and look at it from your perspectives. Yes, I can see how you could have the best intentions, and we really appreciate that you want to help. However, I wish you'd step into our shoes, as much as you can, and imagine how that might sound being said to you. Unfortunately, when people try to "fix" things, it makes things worse. We don't want to be fixed right now. We want to mourn the loss of our children in our time. Yes, some people will suffer from great depression, but the best person to help them fix their situation, is them. Take me as an example. I am currently seeking out a therapist for this help. I am going to have the help of someone who is trained in this area, and loves my Jesus. THIS is the person I have chosen to help me "fix" where I am. If I want your help with fixing things, I'll blatantly tell you, no guesswork is needed. :)

For the rest of you, I would just plead with you to listen and express your deepest condolences. There is no greater gift to us than a listening ear and someone to acknowledge the loss of our little ones.