Guest Post Thursday: A Struggle through Pain

I meant to share this story last Wednesday, but my day got away from me (and it didn't post yesterday even though it was scheduled!! Sorry, I'll have to look into that after my vacation!). This is the story of my friend Carrie, and while I love sharing my blog with everyone, there is some slightly more adult content than normal, so I would suggest parents read through it first before letting any children (even teens) read it.

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My story starts out a bit different than most, but I feel my story should be told in its entirety to better understand my journey and who I am today.

 I married my wonderful husband on September 19, 2009. He truly is the love of my life. We saved ourselves for each other and our first time being intimate was on our wedding night. We just had this gorgeous wedding full of family, friends and love and we were excited to end the evening by consummating our marriage. Sadly, that is not what happened. For almost two years of our marriage we struggled with a condition called Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition that causes intercourse to be impossible or extremely painful. Not only did this ruin my self esteem as a wife, but trying to conceive children was out of the question due to this condition. We went to several specialist within our area and nothing worked, but seemed to exasperate the condition. I was frustrated with my body, for not doing what God had intended it to do. Finally, in July of 2011, we found a treatment center in New York that offered a wonderful two week program and I am happy to say we are finally cured!

 Six months after we were cured, the recommended wait time per our Vaginismus doctors, we decided to start trying for children. We were ecstatic when I got a positive pregnancy test on our first cycle trying! We were both so happy and finally feeling that our struggle with Vaginismus was worth it. Looking back, we were naive, but quickly told everyone and even announced on facebook when I was just 5 weeks pregnant. A week or two after discovering that I was pregnant, I just felt like something wasn’t right. I was cramping a lot so I called my OB. My first appointment wasn’t until I would be over 10 weeks along, so they went ahead and brought me in for beta blood work. My beta levels were alarming low.

They kept trying to tell me that maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought, but I knew in my heart that I was most likely going to miscarry. I had an ultrasound shortly after that showed only a 4 week sac, instead of a six week sac that I should have had at that time. I was devastated. For almost two weeks, I endured blood tests and ultrasounds, just waiting for the final outcome. Finally, my body decided to miscarry on its own. Once again, those familiar feelings of frustration returned. Why can’t my body just be normal like everyone else’s? Everyone else seems to have sex and babies like it is no problem, whats wrong with me?

 And all I could think about was my precious baby that I had lost. I felt connected to my little one from the moment I saw the positive test. The overwhelming feeling of loss was unbearable at times. Our wonderful Vaginismus doctors gave me a beautiful pin when I miscarried that said ‘Mizpah’ on it, which is Hebrew for ‘watchtower’. I named my precious baby ‘Mizpah’ after the pin and the bible verse in Genesis that states “The Lord will watch over you and me while we are apart”. I can’t wait to see my precious baby in the future, but I know for now Jesus is holding and taking care of him.

But, I slipped into a deep deep depression. I became extremely angry at God. I blocked everyone out and stopped going to church. I lashed out angrily at my husband and my loved ones. And on top of that, we are having health insurance issues and we no longer have maternity coverage, which further pushed back trying for another baby anytime soon.

I also became angry because people I thought would be there for me weren’t at all. Yet, I had people that I barely knew who came over to see me, gave me gifts, and cleaned my house. It truly was a blessing that even though the people I ‘expected’ to be there for me weren’t, God provided unexpected people to care for me.

I am still working through my emotions. I am not quite as angry, and I am slowly realizing that as much as Vaginismus and having a miscarriage are truly traumatizing and awful- the only thing that makes it worth it is knowing that I can help someone else who has endured the same awful nightmare. I think of the verse in 2 Corinthians “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” With that being said if you are personally struggling with Vaginismus, or the aftermath of a miscarriage, feel free to visit my personal blog at http://waitingwamplers.wordpress.com. My contact information is there and I’d love to talk with you.

All of the above is to say, my husband and I have endured trials and we don’t understand the reason why- but even when I don’t believe it, I have to choose to say and believe that God is still good and He is still God. It’s okay to get angry, it’s okay to question Him- but at the end of the day I must trust Him and realize I cannot change that these things happened to me. I must move forward, as difficult as it is- and simply trust.