I've already talked about some things that are very difficult for a woman who just lost her child to hear. Today I'm going to mention a few things that mean the world to us!!!
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I polled some women in my support group to ask them what things helped. The most powerful response I received was told to a woman after her loss of identical twins. Her aunt had a stillborn child, as well as the tragic death of her 6 year old son 12 years later. Her aunt said this:
Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood. Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways. Thank you for sharing them with us. Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift! You will never forget and neither will I. Know that I hurt for you and with you. I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.
Wow. Just, wow. What powerful words!!! Not only is she acknowledging the loss, but she's also clearly stating "You are a mother!" Some women who have losses never think of themselves as mothers, even tough that's what they are. She notes that she will also never forget those babies either. What a gift to have someone who loves our babies too!! She also shares the hurt. Now, for those of you who haven't had a loss, you can still hurt with us. You may never know the pain, but to have another grieving with us makes it that much easier to carry.
Finally, if you haven't had a loss, I want to thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope it helps you interact with me, if you're a friend of mine, or if you are a stranger, I hope it helps you live a more sensitive life, being aware that someone sitting next to you might be dealing with the same pain and turmoil that I am. I pray none of you ever have to experience this pain first hand!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Distractions...
This was written late last night:
Tonight I was on my computer, and I had the desire to go online and "browser shop" (the web version of window shopping) and I realized there was nothing I wanted. Nothing I wanted to save up for, no purchase goals in the foreseeable future, not even the next and best camera! Now let me tell you, this has NEVER happened to me before.
So as I sat here, I decided I'd get to work on the memorial shadow box I'm creating in Gabriel's honor. I've been shopping for the perfect digital scrapbook paper for over an hour. I have been listening to music by a country artist I recently found and these lyrics came up in a song:
"Had this picture in my mind, where we would be in time. But sometimes plans don't go your way. Feels so hard to break away from you. Why'd it have to end this way? Lord I wish that you could stay. And there's still so much I need from you."
At this point I stopped shopping when I felt my heart cinch tight. All of this shopping...this daily life of distractions...it's all there to keep me from feeling this pain. To distract me from what's really going on.
Do I know how to deal with this grief? Clearly not. It is by far the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Tonight I was on my computer, and I had the desire to go online and "browser shop" (the web version of window shopping) and I realized there was nothing I wanted. Nothing I wanted to save up for, no purchase goals in the foreseeable future, not even the next and best camera! Now let me tell you, this has NEVER happened to me before.
So as I sat here, I decided I'd get to work on the memorial shadow box I'm creating in Gabriel's honor. I've been shopping for the perfect digital scrapbook paper for over an hour. I have been listening to music by a country artist I recently found and these lyrics came up in a song:
"Had this picture in my mind, where we would be in time. But sometimes plans don't go your way. Feels so hard to break away from you. Why'd it have to end this way? Lord I wish that you could stay. And there's still so much I need from you."
At this point I stopped shopping when I felt my heart cinch tight. All of this shopping...this daily life of distractions...it's all there to keep me from feeling this pain. To distract me from what's really going on.
Do I know how to deal with this grief? Clearly not. It is by far the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Guest Post: The long road to a Rainbow Baby...
Today's post was written by a great friend of mine that I have known for almost 2 years. She was one of the first people that I saw get pregnant during my time TTC that I was over the moon happy for, because I knew her story. For those of you who don't know, a rainbow baby is a take-home baby (that survives pregnancy) that comes after a stormy time, like infertility or a loss.
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I am 1 in 4.
I am the face of the silent 1 in 4.
I have been in silent grief for almost 3.5 years.
Before I go any further, know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful & healthy almost 8 month old daughter. I am unbelievably lucky. While I have a wonderful & healthy little girl to snuggle with every day... daily I also grieve the loss of my first sweet child.
Immediately I wanted to know WHY. Why me? Why my baby? Why. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? That night while curled up in a ball & sobbing on the bed in the dark I remembered something that happened 4 days before I got the + I had been dreaming of. We had gone to a neighbor friend’s house to hang out. DH had a couple beers & I had 2 glasses of Moscato, my favorite wine. I unknowingly had alcohol while pregnant. In my head that was my why.
I’ve read & have been told all the medical facts on how it was too early for the alcohol to have affected the baby but it doesn’t matter. Don’t bother telling me the alcohol didn’t cause it. What matters to me is that my little one trusted me from day 1 of formation & I betrayed that trust.
I went back to the dr early the next week to get checked out. I had wanted so badly for things to happen “naturally” & without medical intervention but there wasn’t any sign of that happening. I was given the option of trying medication before a D&C so I chose to do that. I thought the medicine would make it less traumatic. I was so naive. That night I crawled in agony into the bathroom, unable to walk due to the cramping, where I stayed for a few hours. Without going into all the gory details will just say that I saw my baby and it is an image that will be forever embedded in my mind. The medication route was not as “less traumatic” as I had hoped it might be.
Having missed a few days of work I went back into the office at the end of that week & immediately ran into a co-worker who said “hey where have you been?” I responded “oh just needed to take a few days off.” He responded “good for you. Did you have a good vacation away from here?” Holding back tears I mumbled that it wasn’t a vacation, I had a miscarriage, & walked off while he stood in silence.
Quickly realizing that nearly every time I shared my loss with someone I got misguided comments in return, I decided to be extremely selective on who I told in order to “protect” my relationship with that person. The comments weren’t meant to be harmful but each hit me with the force of a thousand stones...
"At least you weren’t that far along”
"Thank goodness you didn’t tell everyone you were pregnant. That would be so hard to deal with.”
“God must think it’s not your time yet to be a mother.”
“God knows best.”
When my Grandfather had a massive stroke 3 months after my miscarriage my boss said: “Can you imagine still being pregnant while dealing with this? Good thing you only have him to focus on right now.”
I beamed at the word “pregnant” on the stick but quickly my excitement was met with anxiety & fear. During the entire pregnancy I stepped into each doctor’s appointment with trepidation. I followed every rule & old wives tale there was. I was even afraid to jinx the pregnancy by filling out the pregnancy journal a friend gave me. I was hopeful & loved the baby that was growing inside me but my positive view of pregnancy had been distorted & I lived in fear that I would be crushed again.
All the fear & anxiety I had during the entire pregnancy melted away when she was placed in my husband’s arms & brought to my head so I could see her. She was here. She had made it safely into the world & into our arms. I could breathe again. I am blessed.
Despite all the “what ifs” I know that I have something that others dream of. I have been given the gift that not everyone gets. Because of my loss I realize just how precious my daughter’s life is & how vulnerable a pregnancy can be. I treasure my little girl & take time to snuggle with her every night. The pediatrician says we need to do sleep training... I say if she wants to be rocked to sleep or have an extra cuddle in the middle of the night, I will happily oblige without complaint. I know just how blessed I am. I appreciate the opportunity to cuddle her at night. Because I know what it’s like to lose a child, every little moment with my daughter is a big moment.
I still haven’t had a drop of alcohol since that glass of Moscato.
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If you would like to share your story on my blog, I would love to feature it! Please email me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information. You never know how many women your story might speak to!
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I am 1 in 4.
I am the face of the silent 1 in 4.
I have been in silent grief for almost 3.5 years.
Before I go any further, know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful & healthy almost 8 month old daughter. I am unbelievably lucky. While I have a wonderful & healthy little girl to snuggle with every day... daily I also grieve the loss of my first sweet child.
November 2008...
Carefree & happy we walked into the dr’s office on a Friday morning, excited to get to hear our little one’s heartbeat. About two hours later we walked out....crushed, devastated, heartbroken. The heartbeat we were looking so forward to hearing wasn’t there. With that one doctor’s visit I had lost my innocence & joy about pregnancy. I had experienced the dark side of pregnancy.Immediately I wanted to know WHY. Why me? Why my baby? Why. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? That night while curled up in a ball & sobbing on the bed in the dark I remembered something that happened 4 days before I got the + I had been dreaming of. We had gone to a neighbor friend’s house to hang out. DH had a couple beers & I had 2 glasses of Moscato, my favorite wine. I unknowingly had alcohol while pregnant. In my head that was my why.
I’ve read & have been told all the medical facts on how it was too early for the alcohol to have affected the baby but it doesn’t matter. Don’t bother telling me the alcohol didn’t cause it. What matters to me is that my little one trusted me from day 1 of formation & I betrayed that trust.
I went back to the dr early the next week to get checked out. I had wanted so badly for things to happen “naturally” & without medical intervention but there wasn’t any sign of that happening. I was given the option of trying medication before a D&C so I chose to do that. I thought the medicine would make it less traumatic. I was so naive. That night I crawled in agony into the bathroom, unable to walk due to the cramping, where I stayed for a few hours. Without going into all the gory details will just say that I saw my baby and it is an image that will be forever embedded in my mind. The medication route was not as “less traumatic” as I had hoped it might be.
Having missed a few days of work I went back into the office at the end of that week & immediately ran into a co-worker who said “hey where have you been?” I responded “oh just needed to take a few days off.” He responded “good for you. Did you have a good vacation away from here?” Holding back tears I mumbled that it wasn’t a vacation, I had a miscarriage, & walked off while he stood in silence.
Quickly realizing that nearly every time I shared my loss with someone I got misguided comments in return, I decided to be extremely selective on who I told in order to “protect” my relationship with that person. The comments weren’t meant to be harmful but each hit me with the force of a thousand stones...
"At least you weren’t that far along”
"Thank goodness you didn’t tell everyone you were pregnant. That would be so hard to deal with.”
“God must think it’s not your time yet to be a mother.”
“God knows best.”
When my Grandfather had a massive stroke 3 months after my miscarriage my boss said: “Can you imagine still being pregnant while dealing with this? Good thing you only have him to focus on right now.”
December 2010...
After nearly 2.5 years of trying to have a baby, I randomly woke up very early in the morning & knew I was pregnant. Wide awake I went to the bathroom & took a test - positive!I beamed at the word “pregnant” on the stick but quickly my excitement was met with anxiety & fear. During the entire pregnancy I stepped into each doctor’s appointment with trepidation. I followed every rule & old wives tale there was. I was even afraid to jinx the pregnancy by filling out the pregnancy journal a friend gave me. I was hopeful & loved the baby that was growing inside me but my positive view of pregnancy had been distorted & I lived in fear that I would be crushed again.
August 2011...
I delivered my beautiful little girl. The weeks leading up to the birth were scary...cervix issue, pre-term labor, & pre-eclampsia landed me on bedrest until my dr decided it was time to get the baby out. I was admitted to the hospital for my induction on Wednesday night and endured 2 days of back labor. Friday night I was finally ready to push. Then with every push the baby’s heart rate dropped. Knowing that I really wanted to avoid a c-section the doctor tried the vacuum twice but it was unsuccessful. I was rushed to an emergency c-section. My husband got scrubbed up & in the operating room just as our little girl was born.All the fear & anxiety I had during the entire pregnancy melted away when she was placed in my husband’s arms & brought to my head so I could see her. She was here. She had made it safely into the world & into our arms. I could breathe again. I am blessed.
Today...
I have a wonderful daughter. I couldn’t ask for a better baby. I still wonder about the “what ifs.” What if I had been healthier when I got pregnant? What if I didn’t have that wine? What if the heartbeat was missed, were they 1000000% sure? What if my daughter one day asks me or finds out about her lost sibling, how will I respond?? If that baby had lived, would I have my daughter today? What if I had been a better Christian, wife, human? What if?Despite all the “what ifs” I know that I have something that others dream of. I have been given the gift that not everyone gets. Because of my loss I realize just how precious my daughter’s life is & how vulnerable a pregnancy can be. I treasure my little girl & take time to snuggle with her every night. The pediatrician says we need to do sleep training... I say if she wants to be rocked to sleep or have an extra cuddle in the middle of the night, I will happily oblige without complaint. I know just how blessed I am. I appreciate the opportunity to cuddle her at night. Because I know what it’s like to lose a child, every little moment with my daughter is a big moment.
I still haven’t had a drop of alcohol since that glass of Moscato.
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If you would like to share your story on my blog, I would love to feature it! Please email me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information. You never know how many women your story might speak to!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Vulnerability
When you're having a down day and someone asks you how you're doing, do you respond with "I'm good!" or do you take a moment, think about how you are, and answer truthfully "I'm not doing so great."
Too many times in my life I've felt, and given in to, the temptation to just brush off how I'm feeling for a variety of reasons. I'm too busy. They don't really want to know. It will take too long to explain. It's none of their business. They'll pity me. They'll go gossip about me.
Vulnerability in our culture is seen as a sign of weakness. Unfortunately this is so far from the truth. I view vulnerable people as the most honest, because they're willing to admit when not everything in their life is going according to the "great American plan."
I have been learning in the past few weeks to be vulnerable with people. Yes, there are inappropriate times to tell the entire context of why you're having a bad day/week/year. However, I want you to respect yourself and when people ask how you're doing, be real. You might be shocked at how understanding people are!
If you don't want to tell someone your whole story, do what I do. If they ask why you're not doing great, just say "I have just been going through a lot of stuff in my life right now." and you'll be surprised how many people won't nose further! I really hope you'll all step forward and when someone asks you how you're doing, you take a moment and really answer them truthfully!! No one is doing perfect everyday!!!!!
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If you haven't shared your story of pregnancy loss or infant loss on my blog yet and you'd like to, please send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com so we can reach more people through our varied trials!
Too many times in my life I've felt, and given in to, the temptation to just brush off how I'm feeling for a variety of reasons. I'm too busy. They don't really want to know. It will take too long to explain. It's none of their business. They'll pity me. They'll go gossip about me.
Vulnerability in our culture is seen as a sign of weakness. Unfortunately this is so far from the truth. I view vulnerable people as the most honest, because they're willing to admit when not everything in their life is going according to the "great American plan."
I have been learning in the past few weeks to be vulnerable with people. Yes, there are inappropriate times to tell the entire context of why you're having a bad day/week/year. However, I want you to respect yourself and when people ask how you're doing, be real. You might be shocked at how understanding people are!
If you don't want to tell someone your whole story, do what I do. If they ask why you're not doing great, just say "I have just been going through a lot of stuff in my life right now." and you'll be surprised how many people won't nose further! I really hope you'll all step forward and when someone asks you how you're doing, you take a moment and really answer them truthfully!! No one is doing perfect everyday!!!!!
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If you haven't shared your story of pregnancy loss or infant loss on my blog yet and you'd like to, please send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com so we can reach more people through our varied trials!
Thursday, April 19, 2012
A place where sorrow and joy commune
Today as I'm sitting back in the waiting room at my doctor's office for my follow-up appointment, I've been thinking back to the past month.
On March 27th I walked in to this office, waiting for the confirmation that I had lost my baby. It was the most stressful & sorrowful experience I thought I'd have. When I left, I had a picture of a gestational sac, my baby, nestled right where it needed to be, and a plan from the doctor to check on the baby every week. I was overjoyed!!!
One week later, I entered this waiting room with the greatest joy and hope since the bleeding was stopping, only to walk out with a broken heart and empty arms.
It boggles my mind that one room can be a place of such great joy and love for one woman, and at the same time for the woman next to her, the worst place in the world. I'm so fortunate to have such an attentive and caring doctor, as well as a fabulous team of nurses, because if I didn't, I don't know how I would have managed through the worst of the physical part.
Now it's time for the emotional and spiritual part. It's quite painful to make such dramatic shifts up and down on the worlds craziest roller coaster, but I have to keep reminding myself that God is here with me, He's never left my side, despite all of the pain I'm enduring. That's my one saving grace.
On March 27th I walked in to this office, waiting for the confirmation that I had lost my baby. It was the most stressful & sorrowful experience I thought I'd have. When I left, I had a picture of a gestational sac, my baby, nestled right where it needed to be, and a plan from the doctor to check on the baby every week. I was overjoyed!!!
One week later, I entered this waiting room with the greatest joy and hope since the bleeding was stopping, only to walk out with a broken heart and empty arms.
It boggles my mind that one room can be a place of such great joy and love for one woman, and at the same time for the woman next to her, the worst place in the world. I'm so fortunate to have such an attentive and caring doctor, as well as a fabulous team of nurses, because if I didn't, I don't know how I would have managed through the worst of the physical part.
Now it's time for the emotional and spiritual part. It's quite painful to make such dramatic shifts up and down on the worlds craziest roller coaster, but I have to keep reminding myself that God is here with me, He's never left my side, despite all of the pain I'm enduring. That's my one saving grace.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Guest Post Wednesday: A struggle through infertility and loss
First, let me apologize for not posting yet this week. I've been taking a couple days to spend some time with family and get some work done. I'm heading home today, so I'll be more active in the future!
Today's post is by a sweet friend of mine that I've known for almost 2 years. We've struggled together through trying to get pregnant, and were reunited through the loss support group we're both a part of. Out of respect for her wishes, I will keep her anonymous, but she's an incredible woman that I am blessed to call my friend!!!
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It was Valentine's day 2010, and my husband handed me the Mayo Clinic Pregnancy Guide. His gift this year was letting me know he was finally ready to start trying to have children (I'd been ready a long time ago of course). Now being of the academic sort, I picked up a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", a basal thermometer, and a bottle of prenatal vitamins. I switched to decaf and started reading. I was going to do this right. I'd always been a regular sort of gal, so I figured six months tops and I'd be pregnant.
First cycle we tried I was super patient; I was 17 days past ovulation and finally pulled out a home pregnancy test. Shaking, I paced the bathroom and waited. I was so sure since there was no sign of my period that it was going to be positive. Two minutes later there was only one line staring back at me. I waited the full five minutes, nothing. I waited an extra five minutes... Still nothing. I was shocked, I climbed back into bed and snuggled up next to my husband. "Are you pregnant?" he asks. I barely got the word “no” out before bursting into tears. I had told myself before we started that cycle that I wouldn't cry. My husband reminded me that it would probably take a few cycles. I knew this, but there is nothing logical about being female and trying to get pregnant. I have a PhD in chemistry and even I can't be 100% logical about the process.
Eleven months and thirteen more cycles later (for a grand total of fourteen break downs. Yup, I cried every time) I went to see my OB/GYN with my tail tucked between my legs. Everyone tells you it isn't your fault, but it is so hard not to feel like a failure when things don't work. She sent me down to the lab for some blood work and wrote a script for my husband to get a semen analysis. My FSH was slightly elevated. The lab wanted to see it under 10 and mine was 11. Also, my husband’s count had come back borderline and his motility wasn't great. She was going to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
What a huge sigh of relief; they had found something wrong. I warned you that there is nothing logical about this process. And if logic flies out the window when you are trying to get pregnant, the crazies come out in full force when you are dealing with infertility. Because that is what happens after one year of trying with no success.
The RE ordered a second semen analysis and checked a few more things with me. It turns out the FSH wasn't really that big a deal and since my husband's second analysis came back about the same, we were diagnosed with mild male factor issues. So we moved onto to intrauterine insemination (IUI). With 3-4 follicles and 1 million sperm (much lower than expected...turns out his sperm don't like the spin cycle typically used during the prepping process) we did the procedure and waited. The RE told us not to be hopeful, but two weeks later, for the first time ever, there was a second line!! I was finally pregnant and with my one in a million. I had to wait five more days to get a beta draw because I was on a business trip. The results took forever to come, they should have been around 400 by that point, but came back at 48. I knew then, that it was over. The nurse tried to tell me that all would be okay, it was still within acceptable range. But I knew too much. I know what the detection limit of those home pregnancy tests are and that your beta is suppose to double ever 48-72 hours. Sure enough, two days later, it was only 69. I was to come back one more time... the third test confirmed it, 25. I started bleeding the next day.
I cried of course, but I was oddly not as upset as expected. I had finally gotten pregnant after all. It was possible for me to get pregnant. I told myself this was God's way of telling me that I would get pregnant, that he knew I needed to see that it could happen, but this just wasn't the month He wanted it to happen. It wasn't until the 2nd IUI failed completely that the reality of my loss really settled in. I cried harder that time, and harder still when IUI #3 and #4 didn't work. In fact after #4 failed I had such a complete breakdown that my husband and I decided we would try in vitro fertilization (IVF). I had barely made it through the one trigger shot I had to have with each IUI cycle and only the pain of my loss plus all those failed cycles gave me the motivation for the 40 some odd shots I had to deal with for IVF.
The success rates for IVF are much higher than for IUIs and I was finally hopeful again. Sure enough, after transfer a single blastocyte, I got another positive pregnancy test. The test was so faint though, that I wasn't surprise when the beta result came back low, 20. Two days later it was 10. Loss number two.
We took a month off and tried a frozen embryo cycle (we were fortunate enough to have five extra embryos frozen, our snow babies). We transferred two and waited. Beta #1 came back 239! I couldn't believe it. The second and third, 383 and 871. Finally! I had a long way to go, but things had never looked so good.
Two days later, I started bleeding. I called the doctor and explained what was going on. The RE said it was fine; it happens. Call back if the bleeding gets heavier, but what I was experiencing now was no cause for alarm. The next morning it got a little worse. They brought me in for an ultrasound and there were two little sacs. I was pregnant with twins! It was too early to see the actual babies yet, but I left feeling positive. Even with the bleeding, my babies were still there. But two hours after my ultrasound I probably lost one or both. Three days later I had another bought of heavy bleeding. The ultrasound the next morning confirmed it: empty.
I keep the ultrasound picture of my two little angels by my computer monitor. I look at them every day. That might be closest I get to ever seeing my own biological children. We have enough frozen embryos for one more frozen embryo cycle, and then we will probably be moving onto adoption. While we wait to do the final transfer, we're having a few more tests run (the doctors start looking for other things once you've had 2-3 losses). So far the doctors can't figure out why we are having such difficulties. The mild male factor should have been corrected with the IUIs and the IVF. It just doesn't make sense.
So we are still waiting, with empty arms, hoping again that they find something wrong, something we can fix. I am broken inside, from my three losses, from all the stabs to my tummy and my arms, from all the money we've spent trying to get pregnant instead of being able to save for a house. It just doesn't happen for everyone.
Today's post is by a sweet friend of mine that I've known for almost 2 years. We've struggled together through trying to get pregnant, and were reunited through the loss support group we're both a part of. Out of respect for her wishes, I will keep her anonymous, but she's an incredible woman that I am blessed to call my friend!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was Valentine's day 2010, and my husband handed me the Mayo Clinic Pregnancy Guide. His gift this year was letting me know he was finally ready to start trying to have children (I'd been ready a long time ago of course). Now being of the academic sort, I picked up a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", a basal thermometer, and a bottle of prenatal vitamins. I switched to decaf and started reading. I was going to do this right. I'd always been a regular sort of gal, so I figured six months tops and I'd be pregnant.
First cycle we tried I was super patient; I was 17 days past ovulation and finally pulled out a home pregnancy test. Shaking, I paced the bathroom and waited. I was so sure since there was no sign of my period that it was going to be positive. Two minutes later there was only one line staring back at me. I waited the full five minutes, nothing. I waited an extra five minutes... Still nothing. I was shocked, I climbed back into bed and snuggled up next to my husband. "Are you pregnant?" he asks. I barely got the word “no” out before bursting into tears. I had told myself before we started that cycle that I wouldn't cry. My husband reminded me that it would probably take a few cycles. I knew this, but there is nothing logical about being female and trying to get pregnant. I have a PhD in chemistry and even I can't be 100% logical about the process.
Eleven months and thirteen more cycles later (for a grand total of fourteen break downs. Yup, I cried every time) I went to see my OB/GYN with my tail tucked between my legs. Everyone tells you it isn't your fault, but it is so hard not to feel like a failure when things don't work. She sent me down to the lab for some blood work and wrote a script for my husband to get a semen analysis. My FSH was slightly elevated. The lab wanted to see it under 10 and mine was 11. Also, my husband’s count had come back borderline and his motility wasn't great. She was going to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
What a huge sigh of relief; they had found something wrong. I warned you that there is nothing logical about this process. And if logic flies out the window when you are trying to get pregnant, the crazies come out in full force when you are dealing with infertility. Because that is what happens after one year of trying with no success.
The RE ordered a second semen analysis and checked a few more things with me. It turns out the FSH wasn't really that big a deal and since my husband's second analysis came back about the same, we were diagnosed with mild male factor issues. So we moved onto to intrauterine insemination (IUI). With 3-4 follicles and 1 million sperm (much lower than expected...turns out his sperm don't like the spin cycle typically used during the prepping process) we did the procedure and waited. The RE told us not to be hopeful, but two weeks later, for the first time ever, there was a second line!! I was finally pregnant and with my one in a million. I had to wait five more days to get a beta draw because I was on a business trip. The results took forever to come, they should have been around 400 by that point, but came back at 48. I knew then, that it was over. The nurse tried to tell me that all would be okay, it was still within acceptable range. But I knew too much. I know what the detection limit of those home pregnancy tests are and that your beta is suppose to double ever 48-72 hours. Sure enough, two days later, it was only 69. I was to come back one more time... the third test confirmed it, 25. I started bleeding the next day.
I cried of course, but I was oddly not as upset as expected. I had finally gotten pregnant after all. It was possible for me to get pregnant. I told myself this was God's way of telling me that I would get pregnant, that he knew I needed to see that it could happen, but this just wasn't the month He wanted it to happen. It wasn't until the 2nd IUI failed completely that the reality of my loss really settled in. I cried harder that time, and harder still when IUI #3 and #4 didn't work. In fact after #4 failed I had such a complete breakdown that my husband and I decided we would try in vitro fertilization (IVF). I had barely made it through the one trigger shot I had to have with each IUI cycle and only the pain of my loss plus all those failed cycles gave me the motivation for the 40 some odd shots I had to deal with for IVF.
The success rates for IVF are much higher than for IUIs and I was finally hopeful again. Sure enough, after transfer a single blastocyte, I got another positive pregnancy test. The test was so faint though, that I wasn't surprise when the beta result came back low, 20. Two days later it was 10. Loss number two.
We took a month off and tried a frozen embryo cycle (we were fortunate enough to have five extra embryos frozen, our snow babies). We transferred two and waited. Beta #1 came back 239! I couldn't believe it. The second and third, 383 and 871. Finally! I had a long way to go, but things had never looked so good.
Two days later, I started bleeding. I called the doctor and explained what was going on. The RE said it was fine; it happens. Call back if the bleeding gets heavier, but what I was experiencing now was no cause for alarm. The next morning it got a little worse. They brought me in for an ultrasound and there were two little sacs. I was pregnant with twins! It was too early to see the actual babies yet, but I left feeling positive. Even with the bleeding, my babies were still there. But two hours after my ultrasound I probably lost one or both. Three days later I had another bought of heavy bleeding. The ultrasound the next morning confirmed it: empty.
I keep the ultrasound picture of my two little angels by my computer monitor. I look at them every day. That might be closest I get to ever seeing my own biological children. We have enough frozen embryos for one more frozen embryo cycle, and then we will probably be moving onto adoption. While we wait to do the final transfer, we're having a few more tests run (the doctors start looking for other things once you've had 2-3 losses). So far the doctors can't figure out why we are having such difficulties. The mild male factor should have been corrected with the IUIs and the IVF. It just doesn't make sense.
So we are still waiting, with empty arms, hoping again that they find something wrong, something we can fix. I am broken inside, from my three losses, from all the stabs to my tummy and my arms, from all the money we've spent trying to get pregnant instead of being able to save for a house. It just doesn't happen for everyone.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Friends & Family Friday
Let's get one thing straight. Women who have just had a loss are not only dealing with crazy hormones, but we're also dealing with a ton of emotional turmoil. Without God's grace over the situation, things said from the kindest heart in sympathy to a grieving mother can be taken by that woman as an insult. So on Fridays I will be posting directly to friends and families of people who have had losses, as well as encourage you to share it for the greater knowledge of our generation!
So here's a little peek into the mind of a woman who has just lost her child.
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When you flip the coin and look at it from my perspective, you'll see how harsh it can sound through all of the emotions and hormones (not to mention massive amounts of grief). I could easily hear that as them saying that it was no big deal that I lost a child, as they pass over it and look towards future children. Seeing as I am still in the grieving process, I still want to give FULL recognition to this child, whether he's here with me anymore or not. Also, for many women, the fear of having future miscarriages is very present, and not all women are guaranteed successful pregnancies after a loss, so this statement just serves as the devil's weapon to make us feel like we're broken.
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"So you never saw the heartbeat? Well you're blessed it was so early!"
No. Just no. There is so much wrong with this statement. Yes, I can see how from an outsider's perspective that they can see that a loss at 20 weeks, or an infant loss would be worse, but when you're dealing with the grief of losing your child, NOTHING is worse than that. No matter the stage, everyone has grief, and if someone tries to diminish that by saying something like this, it's almost as if they're saying "Oh, you shouldn't be grieving this much, because it could have been worse." That pretty much says to me "Oh, you're being ridiculous. Just stop having a pity party and move on." Again, harsh, but it's the honest truth of how we see things.
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"Now you have an angel up in heaven to watch over you."
I can see that this would come from a sweet place in someone's heart, but we don't need a reminder that we don't have our children here in our arms, where we can't see them learn to walk, learn to drive a car, graduate high school, get married, or have children of their own. As much as we do acknowledge it ourselves, we don't need that reminder.
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"This child was unique, special and irreplaceable. I know children are not interchangeable and the fact that you can have other children does not lessen the grief of losing this one."
These words are those of sympathy and compassion. There is no way to take this the wrong way, it is fully understood that you are acknowledging our child and our pain, without making it seem like we're being ridiculous and not diminishing our child's mark on our lives.
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"There is no particular way you 'should' feel or things you 'should' do. There are no rules about how grieving should go."
These words give us the freedom to grieve as we feel we want to. They give us the freedom to let go of our fears of whether something is wrong with us and to spend some time mourning the loss of our child. Everyone mourns differently. Some people can be as normal as they will ever be (which is never quite the same) in a month, others it may take five years. There's no recipe to get over the loss of a child, so when we have friends confirm that we aren't abnormal, it provides comfort!!
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I have created this blog with the intentions of using it as a community and support for women who have suffered a loss. If you would like to share your story, or share things that your friends and family have done to help you through this time, please contact me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com
So here's a little peek into the mind of a woman who has just lost her child.
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Things that aid the pain...
Imagine someone would come up to me, knowing I am only 24, and I have plenty of life ahead of me and say (in the sweetest way), "At least you can get pregnant!" Now, seeing this from their perspective, they know one thing, and that's that I was able to be pregnant, even if I lost it. (I want to add here that I FULLY acknowledge that there are women struggling with infertility who would love to be pregnant, but no one is jealous of anyone. No one wants to struggle with IF, and no one wants to deal with loss.)When you flip the coin and look at it from my perspective, you'll see how harsh it can sound through all of the emotions and hormones (not to mention massive amounts of grief). I could easily hear that as them saying that it was no big deal that I lost a child, as they pass over it and look towards future children. Seeing as I am still in the grieving process, I still want to give FULL recognition to this child, whether he's here with me anymore or not. Also, for many women, the fear of having future miscarriages is very present, and not all women are guaranteed successful pregnancies after a loss, so this statement just serves as the devil's weapon to make us feel like we're broken.
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"So you never saw the heartbeat? Well you're blessed it was so early!"
No. Just no. There is so much wrong with this statement. Yes, I can see how from an outsider's perspective that they can see that a loss at 20 weeks, or an infant loss would be worse, but when you're dealing with the grief of losing your child, NOTHING is worse than that. No matter the stage, everyone has grief, and if someone tries to diminish that by saying something like this, it's almost as if they're saying "Oh, you shouldn't be grieving this much, because it could have been worse." That pretty much says to me "Oh, you're being ridiculous. Just stop having a pity party and move on." Again, harsh, but it's the honest truth of how we see things.
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"Now you have an angel up in heaven to watch over you."
I can see that this would come from a sweet place in someone's heart, but we don't need a reminder that we don't have our children here in our arms, where we can't see them learn to walk, learn to drive a car, graduate high school, get married, or have children of their own. As much as we do acknowledge it ourselves, we don't need that reminder.
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Things that we LOVE!!
The number ONE thing to remember when speaking to a woman who has lost her child is to acknowledge the loss. Too many times women who have early miscarriages or chemical pregnancies get passed over in this, for the simple fact that people think they haven't had time to form an emotional attachment (let me assure you, we did)."This child was unique, special and irreplaceable. I know children are not interchangeable and the fact that you can have other children does not lessen the grief of losing this one."
These words are those of sympathy and compassion. There is no way to take this the wrong way, it is fully understood that you are acknowledging our child and our pain, without making it seem like we're being ridiculous and not diminishing our child's mark on our lives.
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"There is no particular way you 'should' feel or things you 'should' do. There are no rules about how grieving should go."
These words give us the freedom to grieve as we feel we want to. They give us the freedom to let go of our fears of whether something is wrong with us and to spend some time mourning the loss of our child. Everyone mourns differently. Some people can be as normal as they will ever be (which is never quite the same) in a month, others it may take five years. There's no recipe to get over the loss of a child, so when we have friends confirm that we aren't abnormal, it provides comfort!!
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I have created this blog with the intentions of using it as a community and support for women who have suffered a loss. If you would like to share your story, or share things that your friends and family have done to help you through this time, please contact me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Blessing through community
When I say that there is blessing through community, I'm not talking about my friends who have helped me throughout this (although they have been a tremendous blessing), but an even greater blessing comes from other women who know where my mind and heart are at right now. Women who have experienced loss, no matter what stage.
Yesterday I was blessed to have lunch with a friend I met through an online support forum. We realized that we lived in the same city, and having that community was fantastic. We were able to sit and have lunch with each other, for a while not even talking about our losses, and at the same time there was a special bond because we were coming from the same place.
One of my very good friends has also had 2 miscarriages, and from the first moment I thought I might be miscarrying, she came bearing flowers and sweets. These people are such a blessing because they know that nothing they can do will take away my pain, but that by being there with me, it decreases all of our pain. In joining together through our pain, we are able to help care for each other.
I really want to encourage my readers to share this blog with your friends. I've already had people I don't even know send me an email wanting to share their story. The positive feedback I've received is so humbling, to know that this one blog is making a difference in people's lives. So, don't share it for me, share it for them. I created it to supply a safe place for information and emotional connection, and I know that it is already being used by God for His glory!
Colossians 3:17 "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
1 Corinthians 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
Psalm 150
Praise the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness. Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with timbrel and dancing, praise him with the strings and pipe, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.
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If you have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, and would like to share your story to encourage others (and to have a therapeutic outlet!), send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information!
Yesterday I was blessed to have lunch with a friend I met through an online support forum. We realized that we lived in the same city, and having that community was fantastic. We were able to sit and have lunch with each other, for a while not even talking about our losses, and at the same time there was a special bond because we were coming from the same place.
One of my very good friends has also had 2 miscarriages, and from the first moment I thought I might be miscarrying, she came bearing flowers and sweets. These people are such a blessing because they know that nothing they can do will take away my pain, but that by being there with me, it decreases all of our pain. In joining together through our pain, we are able to help care for each other.
I really want to encourage my readers to share this blog with your friends. I've already had people I don't even know send me an email wanting to share their story. The positive feedback I've received is so humbling, to know that this one blog is making a difference in people's lives. So, don't share it for me, share it for them. I created it to supply a safe place for information and emotional connection, and I know that it is already being used by God for His glory!
Colossians 3:17 "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
1 Corinthians 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
Psalm 150
Praise the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness. Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with timbrel and dancing, praise him with the strings and pipe, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.
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If you have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, and would like to share your story to encourage others (and to have a therapeutic outlet!), send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Guest Post Wednesday: "My name is Sarah"
Today's post is by a dear friend who helped me through the darkest
hours following my miscarriage... I'm honored to have her share her
story with you today! (it's worth the long read!!)
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A few months later, I conceived another child and thankfully the Lord saw fit to allow me to carry this child to term. In September of 2009, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Isabel. She is so full of life and radiates love.
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My name is Sarah, and I am one in four. My name is Sarah, and I am one in four. My name is Sarah, and I am one in four. My name is Sarah and I am one in four.
My name is Sarah and I have lost four beautiful
children.
Thinking back to those moments certainly dig up painful
feelings, but I want to share my story.
It is my prayer that my words will not return void, but will be a
comfort for someone else. I pray that
through my story you will see the kindness of the Lord as he upheld me through
each loss.
“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all
that is within me, bless his holy name!”
Psalms 103:1
Early in the fall of 2005, I discovered I was pregnant. My husband and I had waited for about 5 years
before we started “trying”. Needless to
say, I was very much elated when Miss Flo missed her monthly appointment! I wanted to find a cool way to share this
with my husband, so I quickly calculated my due date and then bought a
Cleveland Browns outfit that would fit the baby during football season. I remember feeling so blessed that I was
carrying a child. That day will still
live in my memory as one of the best days of my life. After I shared with my husband, we decided
to tell our friends and family almost immediately. All of a sudden, I saw pregnant ladies
everywhere I went and even found out that a friend of mine was due about a week
before I was. She and I went out for
(decaf) coffee to bond over our newly discovered pregnancies. However, unbeknownst to me, my child had
already gone to be with the Lord.
I
discovered my loss around week 7 as I had begun to bleed. My doctor at the time confirmed that I was
indeed miscarrying; the baby had only made it to about 6 weeks of life, and
began to share with me some facts about miscarriage. It was at the point I heard the statistic of
1 in 4 pregnancies result in a loss. I
allowed nature to take its course and passed the remains of my pregnancy at
home. To be honest, I have never fully
recovered from losing my child. There
are days that I grieve this loss as intensely as the day when I first found
out. Every time I see my friend’s little
girl, I am reminded that, had I carried my child to term, he or she would be in
first grade probably with a gap-toothed grin and I’d be playing the part of the
Tooth Fairy. Even though losing that
child was difficult, I knew the Lord was near to me and laid with me in the
darkness as I silently cried over the emptiness I felt. I chose to bless His holy name.
“These trials will show
that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies
gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith
remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and
honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”
1st Peter 1:7
It was in June of 2006 that I discovered I was once again
pregnant. Cautiously elated, I shared
the news with my husband and we decided to only tell family and close
friends. But once again I began to
bleed. My heart stopped the minute I saw
the evidence that I was, once again, going to lose another child. I had begun to bleed over the weekend and
quietly passed my baby at home yet again.
I was 8 weeks pregnant. I
remember crying out to the Lord in anguish and asking, “Why me?” The answer was, “Why not you?” As a Christian, I am not guaranteed that life
will go smoothly and be perfect. I am
not guaranteed that I will not experience loss in one way or another. All I know is that my God is a God of love
and that, through my losses, His glory would be shown.
“For I the LORD your God
will hold your right hand, saying to you, Fear not; I will help you.”
Isaiah 41:13
Later that year, in the fall, I discovered, yet again, that
I was pregnant. Shaken by my previous
miscarriages, I was understandably nervous.
At this point, I had a new doctor who told me that most miscarriages
happen within the first 8 weeks and once we heard or saw a heartbeat, the risk
of miscarriage drops dramatically. I had
an ultrasound and we saw my baby’s heartbeat.
Comforted by this fact, I nervously waited for those weeks to fly by
until I was out of the “danger zone” and they did. I can remember the slight panic I would feel
every time I went to the bathroom. What
I would see? I couldn’t help but to
wonder if I would find evidence that I was going to lose another child. However, the Lord saw it fit to bless me
with a child and on June 26, 2007, I delivered a healthy baby boy.
“For I know the
plans I have for you, declares the Lord.
Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.
Plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
In early October of 2008, I found out that I was with child
yet again. Still feeling the pain of my
previous miscarriages, but bolstered by the birth of my son, I was cautiously
optimistic about this pregnancy.
However, like in the other two, I began to bleed around week 9. I started scouring the Internet for stories
of women who had bled but went on to deliver healthy babies. I hung on to every word in every story and
prayed that I, too, would be able to add my story to theirs. I went in for an ultrasound, and took a VHS
tape with me, confident that I was not in the process of losing my baby, but
was having some bleeding that was “normal”.
As I stared at the screen of wavy grey, white and black lines, I
searched eagerly for some sign of life.
I could tell by the face of the technician that the news was not
favorable. She quietly stopped the
ultrasound, handed me back my VHS tape and very kindly directed me to wait in
the waiting room to see the doctor. I
could not believe it; I had lost another child.
My doctor told me that this child had lived for approximately 8 weeks.
My soul was crushed. My heart was in shreds as I listened to his words. The moment seemed so surreal—to be honest, I had a very hard time believing it was true. I went home that afternoon and watched the ultrasound tape over and over again wanting so very much to see what the trained ultrasound technician and doctor couldn’t—a sign that my baby was alive. I grasped onto the stories I read on the Internet of women who had an ultrasound confirm that their child was no longer alive, but then, miraculously delivering a healthy baby. Due to age of my baby, I was scheduled for a D & C, and even asked upon waking if the doctor was sure my baby was dead. I screamed and raged at God for quite some time after that. I was so angry that women who didn’t even care for their children were having babies like rabbits, yet I, had lost my third child. I didn’t understand the purpose of everything I was going through. I struggled to understand why the Lord was allowing this to happen to me when He promised to love me.
It was during this time and through my raging storm that I heard the Lord speak to my soul. He reminded me of the time when Jesus was walking on water and his disciple, Peter, wanted to walk to him. Every time Peter took his eyes off the Lord, he began to sink in the waves with the wind threatening to overtake him. Peter cried out to the Lord to save him, and in typical Jesus fashion, He said, “You of little faith, why do you doubt?” The Lord knows my future. He knows my path. He truly knows what is best. I chose to cling to this promise instead of push away from the Lord.
My soul was crushed. My heart was in shreds as I listened to his words. The moment seemed so surreal—to be honest, I had a very hard time believing it was true. I went home that afternoon and watched the ultrasound tape over and over again wanting so very much to see what the trained ultrasound technician and doctor couldn’t—a sign that my baby was alive. I grasped onto the stories I read on the Internet of women who had an ultrasound confirm that their child was no longer alive, but then, miraculously delivering a healthy baby. Due to age of my baby, I was scheduled for a D & C, and even asked upon waking if the doctor was sure my baby was dead. I screamed and raged at God for quite some time after that. I was so angry that women who didn’t even care for their children were having babies like rabbits, yet I, had lost my third child. I didn’t understand the purpose of everything I was going through. I struggled to understand why the Lord was allowing this to happen to me when He promised to love me.
It was during this time and through my raging storm that I heard the Lord speak to my soul. He reminded me of the time when Jesus was walking on water and his disciple, Peter, wanted to walk to him. Every time Peter took his eyes off the Lord, he began to sink in the waves with the wind threatening to overtake him. Peter cried out to the Lord to save him, and in typical Jesus fashion, He said, “You of little faith, why do you doubt?” The Lord knows my future. He knows my path. He truly knows what is best. I chose to cling to this promise instead of push away from the Lord.
“We can
rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help
us develop endurance. And
endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our
confident hope of salvation. And this
hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us,
because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”
Romans 5:3-5
A few months later, I conceived another child and thankfully the Lord saw fit to allow me to carry this child to term. In September of 2009, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Isabel. She is so full of life and radiates love.
“I have told you all this
so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and
sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
John 16.33
In November of 2011, my husband and I were given the gift of
pregnancy once more. We were able to
see the heartbeat on the ultrasound around 6 weeks, but little did I know that
would be the only time I would see my child on this side of eternity. My baby died shortly after that, however, my
body did not reject the pregnancy until my 10th week. As with the last pregnancy, I had a D &
C. While I deeply grieved the loss of
this child, much like I did the others, I also had a total feeling of peace
that surrounded me. I knew that the Lord
was going to use my story and my life to bring comfort and peace to
others. I knew that the Lord’s glory,
love, and peace would be brought to light through my story.
People often ask me how I did it, how have I survived the
loss of four children? On this side of
things, I can answer honestly that I only survived because the Lord carried me
through each and every loss. The Lord
wept with me as I wept over each child I would never hold or kiss. The Lord sat beside me as I raged at Him
for putting me through this the first time and then again each subsequent
time. The Lord cried over the breaking
of my heart as I cried over the loss of my child. The
Lord never left my side and He will never leave yours.
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You too can share your story!! Send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com and I can help you get it together!
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You too can share your story!! Send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com and I can help you get it together!
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Fulfilling His will in our lives...
I have several scriptures set aside for days like today, when my day gets busy and I'm feeling uninspired. The one I'd like to share today is this:
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 NIV)
Do I delight that my child was taken from me? No. Does the Lord give us things in our lives that we can't endure? No. Do I delight that He entrusted me with this burden because He knew I could handle it through His grace? Absolutely :)
A woman I know, that is also dealing with a loss, shared something a good friend spoke over her. God's plan is sovereign, and it's not our time until our purpose on Earth has been fulfilled. What a privelege to give life to someone who fulfills Gods purpose for their life in a matter of a few weeks, before they even enter the world!
I am such a proud mother. I'm proud of my Gabriel for doing the Lord's work in his short little life. Who knew such a tiny person could so radically change my world, and the world of those who hear his story? I am a proud mother, indeed.
But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 NIV)
Do I delight that my child was taken from me? No. Does the Lord give us things in our lives that we can't endure? No. Do I delight that He entrusted me with this burden because He knew I could handle it through His grace? Absolutely :)
A woman I know, that is also dealing with a loss, shared something a good friend spoke over her. God's plan is sovereign, and it's not our time until our purpose on Earth has been fulfilled. What a privelege to give life to someone who fulfills Gods purpose for their life in a matter of a few weeks, before they even enter the world!
I am such a proud mother. I'm proud of my Gabriel for doing the Lord's work in his short little life. Who knew such a tiny person could so radically change my world, and the world of those who hear his story? I am a proud mother, indeed.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Things I will miss...
Well, I guess I'm posting a second post today. The book review was great and all, but after spending a little bit of time on facebook, I had to go ahead and write this since I'm determined for this blog to be a REAL representation of me and my experience right now.
As most of you probably know by now, I love photography, and I'm a photographer. I was looking through pictures by one business, and so far looking at pictures of babies and children hasn't affected me at all. Until today. I was scrolling through pictures, and there was a diptic (two pictures together, like a collage) of an older boy, probably 12, with his head thrown back in laughter.
This is a moment I will never be able to share with Gabriel. I will never be able to argue with him over his skater-boy hair that I insist is too long. I will never be able to take him to the movie theater so he can hang out with his friends. I'll never see him be the big protective brother to his little siblings.
Today is a hard day.
As most of you probably know by now, I love photography, and I'm a photographer. I was looking through pictures by one business, and so far looking at pictures of babies and children hasn't affected me at all. Until today. I was scrolling through pictures, and there was a diptic (two pictures together, like a collage) of an older boy, probably 12, with his head thrown back in laughter.
This is a moment I will never be able to share with Gabriel. I will never be able to argue with him over his skater-boy hair that I insist is too long. I will never be able to take him to the movie theater so he can hang out with his friends. I'll never see him be the big protective brother to his little siblings.
Today is a hard day.
Book Reaction: "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith Pt. 1
I don't want this to just be a simple book review. I want this to be my heart's reaction to this book, and to share how it affects me. This book was a very emotional read, but it's the most REAL book I believe I've ever read. (Know that as I read it, I highlighted parts that stuck out to me, and they're 45 in total, so I'm going to cut it down to the top 6 and do 3 posts about the book).
First off, if you aren't sure whether or not you're up to reading this book right now, I'll let you know know that I spent most of the first several chapters with at least a few tears streaming down my face. When she describes their time with their daughter as she was dying and the burial, I had to put the book down for about 10 minutes because not only was I crying, I was also sobbing uncontrollably as I shared this mother's grief.
Now was it worth it, with all the tears and emotions I invested into her story? Absolutely. The later half of her book is all about how she used her daughter's story as a ministry, and how that helped her channel her grief. Does she still miss her daughter? Yes. Is it still painful knowing she's not here? Yes. But is she submitting to God's will for her life and her daughter's life? Absolutely yes.
I want to go through some things I marked in the book that really spoke to me. Today I'll cover the first part of her story, dealing with the pregnancy and her knowledge that she was carrying a child that, according to medical diagnosis, would be born still, and the delicate balance she had to carry between preparing for her daughter's death and holding out for a miracle from the One who can. I'll also get a little bit into where her heart was after her daughter was born.
For your reference, she interweaves her story with the story of Mary & Martha, who write to Jesus that their brother is sick, knowing that He can heal Lazarus, and puts herself in Martha's shoes. So when I reference it, you know where her mind is at.
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Jesus didn't come directly to Lazarus while he was sick, but waited two more days before he left. Angie speculates as to what thoughts Mary & Martha might have been struggling with as they waited.
"Maybe He was punishing them for something they had done in the past. Maybe He was too busy. Maybe He didn't care. Maybe they didn't matter to Him as much as they thought they did. Maybe He wasn't powerful enough for this situation. Maybe He wasn't who He said He was after all."
She continues on to ask the reader if they have been in the same position as her, thinking those thoughts late in the night when the lights of the house had long been out. "In the dark of night, it is easy to surrender to the lies."
Have you been there? I know I have. Somehow, during the light of day, it doesn't quite hurt as much. But when all is still and silent, when my husband is fast asleep, I have the hardest time. The night after we found out, I couldn't sleep because of my hurt. Around midnight, I received a message from an acquaintance I know through photography, and she had seen that I miscarried, so not knowing if I was a believer or not, she sent me the link to a song by Kim Walker-Smith, entitled "I Need You More." I put in my headphones and as soon as the song started, I lost it. I bought the CD it was on, and listened to the CD for an hour while crying and sobbing out my pain. I know God used her to provide me with an outlet for my grief, because my pain had been so great as I was bottling it.
You're broken. You're incomplete. You'll always have issues getting pregnant. You couldn't even keep this baby for a month, no wonder it took you two years to get pregnant. You aren't worthy of being a parent right now.
These are the lies that the devil was feeding me before I got that lifeline message that there's One who cares about my pain, and even though I don't understand it, and I never will, He has a plan. Please, if you're in this same situation late at night, find some worship music to listen to. Start praying to the One who will hold your pieces as you fall apart. Your husband can only help you so much, and at these times, you need your Maker.
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After the birth of their daughter, they received the miracle of 2.5 hours to spend with her as her little heart gradually slowed.
"I wasn't angry. I was strangely, impossibly lat peace. If you were to ask me what emotion dominated for the next several hours, I would say it was joy. I've seen a beautiful quote frequently referenced by various individuals that sums it up perfectly, 'Joy is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ.' I have no doubt that the Lord was in our midst and that He drank deeply of our sorrow that day."
Let me repeat that quote again for you. "'Joy is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ." Wow. That absolutely floored me. All of this pain I've been experiencing, all of this loss, heartache, He's here, and in that I can find joy. Now don't get me wrong, joy is not going and living like a "normal" person. It will take me a very long time to be "normal," and no one should feel rushed. It's a process, and grief is appropriate.
My pastor said something on Sunday (Easter!) that really struck me. "You don't get joy looking back, you get joy looking forward [to the future]!" I know that one day, I will meet my Maker, and with him will stand my little Gabriel. I have not just the hope, but I also have the knowledge that I will see him again!! Yes, it's difficult to not have him here with me, but I know for a fact that he is my son, I am his mother, and the best thing for both of us is for me to realize that I don't need to protect him now, because as frail as he was when he was taken, the One who made him is keeping him for me!!
First off, if you aren't sure whether or not you're up to reading this book right now, I'll let you know know that I spent most of the first several chapters with at least a few tears streaming down my face. When she describes their time with their daughter as she was dying and the burial, I had to put the book down for about 10 minutes because not only was I crying, I was also sobbing uncontrollably as I shared this mother's grief.
Now was it worth it, with all the tears and emotions I invested into her story? Absolutely. The later half of her book is all about how she used her daughter's story as a ministry, and how that helped her channel her grief. Does she still miss her daughter? Yes. Is it still painful knowing she's not here? Yes. But is she submitting to God's will for her life and her daughter's life? Absolutely yes.
I want to go through some things I marked in the book that really spoke to me. Today I'll cover the first part of her story, dealing with the pregnancy and her knowledge that she was carrying a child that, according to medical diagnosis, would be born still, and the delicate balance she had to carry between preparing for her daughter's death and holding out for a miracle from the One who can. I'll also get a little bit into where her heart was after her daughter was born.
For your reference, she interweaves her story with the story of Mary & Martha, who write to Jesus that their brother is sick, knowing that He can heal Lazarus, and puts herself in Martha's shoes. So when I reference it, you know where her mind is at.
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Jesus didn't come directly to Lazarus while he was sick, but waited two more days before he left. Angie speculates as to what thoughts Mary & Martha might have been struggling with as they waited.
"Maybe He was punishing them for something they had done in the past. Maybe He was too busy. Maybe He didn't care. Maybe they didn't matter to Him as much as they thought they did. Maybe He wasn't powerful enough for this situation. Maybe He wasn't who He said He was after all."
She continues on to ask the reader if they have been in the same position as her, thinking those thoughts late in the night when the lights of the house had long been out. "In the dark of night, it is easy to surrender to the lies."
Have you been there? I know I have. Somehow, during the light of day, it doesn't quite hurt as much. But when all is still and silent, when my husband is fast asleep, I have the hardest time. The night after we found out, I couldn't sleep because of my hurt. Around midnight, I received a message from an acquaintance I know through photography, and she had seen that I miscarried, so not knowing if I was a believer or not, she sent me the link to a song by Kim Walker-Smith, entitled "I Need You More." I put in my headphones and as soon as the song started, I lost it. I bought the CD it was on, and listened to the CD for an hour while crying and sobbing out my pain. I know God used her to provide me with an outlet for my grief, because my pain had been so great as I was bottling it.
You're broken. You're incomplete. You'll always have issues getting pregnant. You couldn't even keep this baby for a month, no wonder it took you two years to get pregnant. You aren't worthy of being a parent right now.
These are the lies that the devil was feeding me before I got that lifeline message that there's One who cares about my pain, and even though I don't understand it, and I never will, He has a plan. Please, if you're in this same situation late at night, find some worship music to listen to. Start praying to the One who will hold your pieces as you fall apart. Your husband can only help you so much, and at these times, you need your Maker.
-------
After the birth of their daughter, they received the miracle of 2.5 hours to spend with her as her little heart gradually slowed.
"I wasn't angry. I was strangely, impossibly lat peace. If you were to ask me what emotion dominated for the next several hours, I would say it was joy. I've seen a beautiful quote frequently referenced by various individuals that sums it up perfectly, 'Joy is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ.' I have no doubt that the Lord was in our midst and that He drank deeply of our sorrow that day."
Let me repeat that quote again for you. "'Joy is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ." Wow. That absolutely floored me. All of this pain I've been experiencing, all of this loss, heartache, He's here, and in that I can find joy. Now don't get me wrong, joy is not going and living like a "normal" person. It will take me a very long time to be "normal," and no one should feel rushed. It's a process, and grief is appropriate.
My pastor said something on Sunday (Easter!) that really struck me. "You don't get joy looking back, you get joy looking forward [to the future]!" I know that one day, I will meet my Maker, and with him will stand my little Gabriel. I have not just the hope, but I also have the knowledge that I will see him again!! Yes, it's difficult to not have him here with me, but I know for a fact that he is my son, I am his mother, and the best thing for both of us is for me to realize that I don't need to protect him now, because as frail as he was when he was taken, the One who made him is keeping him for me!!
Saturday, April 7, 2012
The many faces of grief... and how to work through it.
After talking with a few women over the past few days, I'm starting to realize how differently grief looks in different people's lives. Some women struggle with not eating, some struggle with eating too much, and then they struggle with weight loss or gain. Some women sit at home in a numb state not really wanting to believe what has happened, while other women bury themselves in work and live in a state of denial. Some struggle with insomnia, and some sleep too much.
Whatever type of loss you have had, grief is an appropriate reaction, and no one can tell you HOW to grieve. Yes, there are dangerous ways of handling your grief, but at some point we all need to find healthy ways to deal with our grief. For me, it's blogging and ministering to women who have already come to me in the past 24 hours since I released my blog and told me their stories and asked for my advice. Yes, I have moments where I sit at home and I'm completely numb. I also have nights where I lay in bed not able to sleep, and not because of active thoughts of grief, I just can't sleep.
So how do you keep yourself from falling into the states of grief that are more detrimental to your health, like weight gain or loss, or severe depression from bottling up your grief?
For the food issues, you have to get to a point where you realize that no food you eat or avoid is going to satisfy that void. You lost your child; binging and starvation won't bring him or her back to you, they'll just add to your depression when you look in the mirror, and you'll go back to eating because you don't like how you look. Trust me, the food ones are very tough, and require a huge amount of self control. Try asking someone to be an accountability partner with you, someone who won't pester you about it, but will lovingly ask you about it with your health their #1 priority.
For people that tend to be bottlers *I'm raising my hand here too*, you have to realize that the people around you aren't going to judge you for your pain. Bottling your pain will only lead to an explosion later in life when that bottle has been filled beyond capacity. I've experienced that as the bottler, as well as the onlooker. It's not a pretty thing, and very painful to experience for all parties involved. I would really encourage you to talk your spouse and tell them what's going on. 9 times out of 10 you will find a very supportive person who will listen to you, hold you while you cry, and wipe the tears from your eyes.
The root issue with bottling is denial. To cease bottling, you have to admit to yourself that you had a baby, he or she was taken from you, and you won't be with them again until heaven. That's a really hard pill to swallow, but if there's one thing I can say to you all (from the fresh perspective of a miscarriage myself, so it comes with love), it's that our children won't have to suffer the pain of this world. They won't know the hurt that we are living in, day in and day out. For me, I find peace in this.
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I love that this blog is reaching so many already! Please, share your stories with me so that I can create guest posts with them! I want this to be about a community! To share your story, email it to me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com
Whatever type of loss you have had, grief is an appropriate reaction, and no one can tell you HOW to grieve. Yes, there are dangerous ways of handling your grief, but at some point we all need to find healthy ways to deal with our grief. For me, it's blogging and ministering to women who have already come to me in the past 24 hours since I released my blog and told me their stories and asked for my advice. Yes, I have moments where I sit at home and I'm completely numb. I also have nights where I lay in bed not able to sleep, and not because of active thoughts of grief, I just can't sleep.
So how do you keep yourself from falling into the states of grief that are more detrimental to your health, like weight gain or loss, or severe depression from bottling up your grief?
For the food issues, you have to get to a point where you realize that no food you eat or avoid is going to satisfy that void. You lost your child; binging and starvation won't bring him or her back to you, they'll just add to your depression when you look in the mirror, and you'll go back to eating because you don't like how you look. Trust me, the food ones are very tough, and require a huge amount of self control. Try asking someone to be an accountability partner with you, someone who won't pester you about it, but will lovingly ask you about it with your health their #1 priority.
For people that tend to be bottlers *I'm raising my hand here too*, you have to realize that the people around you aren't going to judge you for your pain. Bottling your pain will only lead to an explosion later in life when that bottle has been filled beyond capacity. I've experienced that as the bottler, as well as the onlooker. It's not a pretty thing, and very painful to experience for all parties involved. I would really encourage you to talk your spouse and tell them what's going on. 9 times out of 10 you will find a very supportive person who will listen to you, hold you while you cry, and wipe the tears from your eyes.
The root issue with bottling is denial. To cease bottling, you have to admit to yourself that you had a baby, he or she was taken from you, and you won't be with them again until heaven. That's a really hard pill to swallow, but if there's one thing I can say to you all (from the fresh perspective of a miscarriage myself, so it comes with love), it's that our children won't have to suffer the pain of this world. They won't know the hurt that we are living in, day in and day out. For me, I find peace in this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I love that this blog is reaching so many already! Please, share your stories with me so that I can create guest posts with them! I want this to be about a community! To share your story, email it to me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com
Friday, April 6, 2012
Why all the secrecy?
You would think that in 2012, in a culture full of pornography, violence, and fashion shows with plastic models in lingerie and giant wings, that we would have no qualms about talking about our personal lives. Somehow miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant loss have made it on the "don't tell anyone, you're the only one with this problem" list.
Well, news flash people, it's VERY common! Some statistics state that one in every four women will experience a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss at some point in her life. Others say that one in every three pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. These aren't good odds, but more importantly, the odds of it happening are very HIGH!
I'm not trying to scare anyone into worrying about their pregnancies, but I can't help but feel like the world would be a better place if couples were more open and honest about their losses. I am in an online support group and some of the women haven't told anyone but the baby's father. To me, that would be the most painful and depressing way to have to deal with the grief. We share our grief when relatives die, so why not our own children?
The issue here isn't our bodies, it isn't what people would think of us; the issue is that your child is no longer living, and you need to grieve!! However best serves you, do it! If you feel like being open and honest like me, knowing that NO ONE will judge you, then do it!! I'll post a link on my resources to your blog if you want! Yes, I understand people handle grief differently, but no one should have to suffer silently for fear that people will judge them or say the wrong things... Yes people will say the wrong things, and then you can educate them on how to handle future situations! Please, help me educate the world!!
Well, news flash people, it's VERY common! Some statistics state that one in every four women will experience a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss at some point in her life. Others say that one in every three pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. These aren't good odds, but more importantly, the odds of it happening are very HIGH!
I'm not trying to scare anyone into worrying about their pregnancies, but I can't help but feel like the world would be a better place if couples were more open and honest about their losses. I am in an online support group and some of the women haven't told anyone but the baby's father. To me, that would be the most painful and depressing way to have to deal with the grief. We share our grief when relatives die, so why not our own children?
The issue here isn't our bodies, it isn't what people would think of us; the issue is that your child is no longer living, and you need to grieve!! However best serves you, do it! If you feel like being open and honest like me, knowing that NO ONE will judge you, then do it!! I'll post a link on my resources to your blog if you want! Yes, I understand people handle grief differently, but no one should have to suffer silently for fear that people will judge them or say the wrong things... Yes people will say the wrong things, and then you can educate them on how to handle future situations! Please, help me educate the world!!
Welcome! :)
My story isn't a fun one. It's a very sad one that is far from being finished. I am in a very difficult chapter of life, but I also know that 1 in 4 women experience miscarriages in their lives. I am 1 in 4. I am here to share my story, through unexplained infertility, a very difficult miscarriage, and the life of recovery after all of that.
Yes, we will one day have a child of our own, and we will start trying again at some point, but right now this is the story of me finding a way to continue on with my day-to-day life in this world, while my sweet Gabriel is up in heaven, safe from all the pain that comes with human life. Feel free to take a look around, starting with the "New Here?" button.
If you know anyone that might benefit from my story, anyone who has struggled with a miscarriage and might want the extra support, go ahead and share this blog! The purpose is to provide support, as well as to raise awareness on a topic that is so taboo to speak of in our culture. I will fully welcome guest bloggers who want to share their stories and how they have conquered the darkness!! While this is a story of my life, I want it to be about a community. The community of women (and even men!) who have had losses and how we can serve each other!
Yes, we will one day have a child of our own, and we will start trying again at some point, but right now this is the story of me finding a way to continue on with my day-to-day life in this world, while my sweet Gabriel is up in heaven, safe from all the pain that comes with human life. Feel free to take a look around, starting with the "New Here?" button.
If you know anyone that might benefit from my story, anyone who has struggled with a miscarriage and might want the extra support, go ahead and share this blog! The purpose is to provide support, as well as to raise awareness on a topic that is so taboo to speak of in our culture. I will fully welcome guest bloggers who want to share their stories and how they have conquered the darkness!! While this is a story of my life, I want it to be about a community. The community of women (and even men!) who have had losses and how we can serve each other!
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