First, let me apologize for not posting yet this week. I've been taking a couple days to spend some time with family and get some work done. I'm heading home today, so I'll be more active in the future!
Today's post is by a sweet friend of mine that I've known for almost 2 years. We've struggled together through trying to get pregnant, and were reunited through the loss support group we're both a part of. Out of respect for her wishes, I will keep her anonymous, but she's an incredible woman that I am blessed to call my friend!!!
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It was Valentine's day 2010, and my husband handed me the Mayo Clinic Pregnancy Guide. His gift this year was letting me know he was finally ready to start trying to have children (I'd been ready a long time ago of course). Now being of the academic sort, I picked up a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", a basal thermometer, and a bottle of prenatal vitamins. I switched to decaf and started reading. I was going to do this right. I'd always been a regular sort of gal, so I figured six months tops and I'd be pregnant.
First cycle we tried I was super patient; I was 17 days past ovulation and finally pulled out a home pregnancy test. Shaking, I paced the bathroom and waited. I was so sure since there was no sign of my period that it was going to be positive. Two minutes later there was only one line staring back at me. I waited the full five minutes, nothing. I waited an extra five minutes... Still nothing. I was shocked, I climbed back into bed and snuggled up next to my husband. "Are you pregnant?" he asks. I barely got the word “no” out before bursting into tears. I had told myself before we started that cycle that I wouldn't cry. My husband reminded me that it would probably take a few cycles. I knew this, but there is nothing logical about being female and trying to get pregnant. I have a PhD in chemistry and even I can't be 100% logical about the process.
Eleven months and thirteen more cycles later (for a grand total of fourteen break downs. Yup, I cried every time) I went to see my OB/GYN with my tail tucked between my legs. Everyone tells you it isn't your fault, but it is so hard not to feel like a failure when things don't work. She sent me down to the lab for some blood work and wrote a script for my husband to get a semen analysis. My FSH was slightly elevated. The lab wanted to see it under 10 and mine was 11. Also, my husband’s count had come back borderline and his motility wasn't great. She was going to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).
What a huge sigh of relief; they had found something wrong. I warned you that there is nothing logical about this process. And if logic flies out the window when you are trying to get pregnant, the crazies come out in full force when you are dealing with infertility. Because that is what happens after one year of trying with no success.
The RE ordered a second semen analysis and checked a few more things with me. It turns out the FSH wasn't really that big a deal and since my husband's second analysis came back about the same, we were diagnosed with mild male factor issues. So we moved onto to intrauterine insemination (IUI). With 3-4 follicles and 1 million sperm (much lower than expected...turns out his sperm don't like the spin cycle typically used during the prepping process) we did the procedure and waited. The RE told us not to be hopeful, but two weeks later, for the first time ever, there was a second line!! I was finally pregnant and with my one in a million. I had to wait five more days to get a beta draw because I was on a business trip. The results took forever to come, they should have been around 400 by that point, but came back at 48. I knew then, that it was over. The nurse tried to tell me that all would be okay, it was still within acceptable range. But I knew too much. I know what the detection limit of those home pregnancy tests are and that your beta is suppose to double ever 48-72 hours. Sure enough, two days later, it was only 69. I was to come back one more time... the third test confirmed it, 25. I started bleeding the next day.
I cried of course, but I was oddly not as upset as expected. I had finally gotten pregnant after all. It was possible for me to get pregnant. I told myself this was God's way of telling me that I would get pregnant, that he knew I needed to see that it could happen, but this just wasn't the month He wanted it to happen. It wasn't until the 2nd IUI failed completely that the reality of my loss really settled in. I cried harder that time, and harder still when IUI #3 and #4 didn't work. In fact after #4 failed I had such a complete breakdown that my husband and I decided we would try in vitro fertilization (IVF). I had barely made it through the one trigger shot I had to have with each IUI cycle and only the pain of my loss plus all those failed cycles gave me the motivation for the 40 some odd shots I had to deal with for IVF.
The success rates for IVF are much higher than for IUIs and I was finally hopeful again. Sure enough, after transfer a single blastocyte, I got another positive pregnancy test. The test was so faint though, that I wasn't surprise when the beta result came back low, 20. Two days later it was 10. Loss number two.
We took a month off and tried a frozen embryo cycle (we were fortunate enough to have five extra embryos frozen, our snow babies). We transferred two and waited. Beta #1 came back 239! I couldn't believe it. The second and third, 383 and 871. Finally! I had a long way to go, but things had never looked so good.
Two days later, I started bleeding. I called the doctor and explained what was going on. The RE said it was fine; it happens. Call back if the bleeding gets heavier, but what I was experiencing now was no cause for alarm. The next morning it got a little worse. They brought me in for an ultrasound and there were two little sacs. I was pregnant with twins! It was too early to see the actual babies yet, but I left feeling positive. Even with the bleeding, my babies were still there. But two hours after my ultrasound I probably lost one or both. Three days later I had another bought of heavy bleeding. The ultrasound the next morning confirmed it: empty.
I keep the ultrasound picture of my two little angels by my computer monitor. I look at them every day. That might be closest I get to ever seeing my own biological children. We have enough frozen embryos for one more frozen embryo cycle, and then we will probably be moving onto adoption. While we wait to do the final transfer, we're having a few more tests run (the doctors start looking for other things once you've had 2-3 losses). So far the doctors can't figure out why we are having such difficulties. The mild male factor should have been corrected with the IUIs and the IVF. It just doesn't make sense.
So we are still waiting, with empty arms, hoping again that they find something wrong, something we can fix. I am broken inside, from my three losses, from all the stabs to my tummy and my arms, from all the money we've spent trying to get pregnant instead of being able to save for a house. It just doesn't happen for everyone.
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