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My name is Sarah, and I am one in four. My name is Sarah, and I am one in four. My name is Sarah, and I am one in four. My name is Sarah and I am one in four.
My name is Sarah and I have lost four beautiful
children.
Thinking back to those moments certainly dig up painful
feelings, but I want to share my story.
It is my prayer that my words will not return void, but will be a
comfort for someone else. I pray that
through my story you will see the kindness of the Lord as he upheld me through
each loss.
“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all
that is within me, bless his holy name!”
Psalms 103:1
Early in the fall of 2005, I discovered I was pregnant. My husband and I had waited for about 5 years
before we started “trying”. Needless to
say, I was very much elated when Miss Flo missed her monthly appointment! I wanted to find a cool way to share this
with my husband, so I quickly calculated my due date and then bought a
Cleveland Browns outfit that would fit the baby during football season. I remember feeling so blessed that I was
carrying a child. That day will still
live in my memory as one of the best days of my life. After I shared with my husband, we decided
to tell our friends and family almost immediately. All of a sudden, I saw pregnant ladies
everywhere I went and even found out that a friend of mine was due about a week
before I was. She and I went out for
(decaf) coffee to bond over our newly discovered pregnancies. However, unbeknownst to me, my child had
already gone to be with the Lord.
I
discovered my loss around week 7 as I had begun to bleed. My doctor at the time confirmed that I was
indeed miscarrying; the baby had only made it to about 6 weeks of life, and
began to share with me some facts about miscarriage. It was at the point I heard the statistic of
1 in 4 pregnancies result in a loss. I
allowed nature to take its course and passed the remains of my pregnancy at
home. To be honest, I have never fully
recovered from losing my child. There
are days that I grieve this loss as intensely as the day when I first found
out. Every time I see my friend’s little
girl, I am reminded that, had I carried my child to term, he or she would be in
first grade probably with a gap-toothed grin and I’d be playing the part of the
Tooth Fairy. Even though losing that
child was difficult, I knew the Lord was near to me and laid with me in the
darkness as I silently cried over the emptiness I felt. I chose to bless His holy name.
“These trials will show
that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies
gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith
remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and
honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”
1st Peter 1:7
It was in June of 2006 that I discovered I was once again
pregnant. Cautiously elated, I shared
the news with my husband and we decided to only tell family and close
friends. But once again I began to
bleed. My heart stopped the minute I saw
the evidence that I was, once again, going to lose another child. I had begun to bleed over the weekend and
quietly passed my baby at home yet again.
I was 8 weeks pregnant. I
remember crying out to the Lord in anguish and asking, “Why me?” The answer was, “Why not you?” As a Christian, I am not guaranteed that life
will go smoothly and be perfect. I am
not guaranteed that I will not experience loss in one way or another. All I know is that my God is a God of love
and that, through my losses, His glory would be shown.
“For I the LORD your God
will hold your right hand, saying to you, Fear not; I will help you.”
Isaiah 41:13
Later that year, in the fall, I discovered, yet again, that
I was pregnant. Shaken by my previous
miscarriages, I was understandably nervous.
At this point, I had a new doctor who told me that most miscarriages
happen within the first 8 weeks and once we heard or saw a heartbeat, the risk
of miscarriage drops dramatically. I had
an ultrasound and we saw my baby’s heartbeat.
Comforted by this fact, I nervously waited for those weeks to fly by
until I was out of the “danger zone” and they did. I can remember the slight panic I would feel
every time I went to the bathroom. What
I would see? I couldn’t help but to
wonder if I would find evidence that I was going to lose another child. However, the Lord saw it fit to bless me
with a child and on June 26, 2007, I delivered a healthy baby boy.
“For I know the
plans I have for you, declares the Lord.
Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.
Plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 29:11
In early October of 2008, I found out that I was with child
yet again. Still feeling the pain of my
previous miscarriages, but bolstered by the birth of my son, I was cautiously
optimistic about this pregnancy.
However, like in the other two, I began to bleed around week 9. I started scouring the Internet for stories
of women who had bled but went on to deliver healthy babies. I hung on to every word in every story and
prayed that I, too, would be able to add my story to theirs. I went in for an ultrasound, and took a VHS
tape with me, confident that I was not in the process of losing my baby, but
was having some bleeding that was “normal”.
As I stared at the screen of wavy grey, white and black lines, I
searched eagerly for some sign of life.
I could tell by the face of the technician that the news was not
favorable. She quietly stopped the
ultrasound, handed me back my VHS tape and very kindly directed me to wait in
the waiting room to see the doctor. I
could not believe it; I had lost another child.
My doctor told me that this child had lived for approximately 8 weeks.
My soul was crushed. My heart was in shreds as I listened to his words. The moment seemed so surreal—to be honest, I had a very hard time believing it was true. I went home that afternoon and watched the ultrasound tape over and over again wanting so very much to see what the trained ultrasound technician and doctor couldn’t—a sign that my baby was alive. I grasped onto the stories I read on the Internet of women who had an ultrasound confirm that their child was no longer alive, but then, miraculously delivering a healthy baby. Due to age of my baby, I was scheduled for a D & C, and even asked upon waking if the doctor was sure my baby was dead. I screamed and raged at God for quite some time after that. I was so angry that women who didn’t even care for their children were having babies like rabbits, yet I, had lost my third child. I didn’t understand the purpose of everything I was going through. I struggled to understand why the Lord was allowing this to happen to me when He promised to love me.
It was during this time and through my raging storm that I heard the Lord speak to my soul. He reminded me of the time when Jesus was walking on water and his disciple, Peter, wanted to walk to him. Every time Peter took his eyes off the Lord, he began to sink in the waves with the wind threatening to overtake him. Peter cried out to the Lord to save him, and in typical Jesus fashion, He said, “You of little faith, why do you doubt?” The Lord knows my future. He knows my path. He truly knows what is best. I chose to cling to this promise instead of push away from the Lord.
My soul was crushed. My heart was in shreds as I listened to his words. The moment seemed so surreal—to be honest, I had a very hard time believing it was true. I went home that afternoon and watched the ultrasound tape over and over again wanting so very much to see what the trained ultrasound technician and doctor couldn’t—a sign that my baby was alive. I grasped onto the stories I read on the Internet of women who had an ultrasound confirm that their child was no longer alive, but then, miraculously delivering a healthy baby. Due to age of my baby, I was scheduled for a D & C, and even asked upon waking if the doctor was sure my baby was dead. I screamed and raged at God for quite some time after that. I was so angry that women who didn’t even care for their children were having babies like rabbits, yet I, had lost my third child. I didn’t understand the purpose of everything I was going through. I struggled to understand why the Lord was allowing this to happen to me when He promised to love me.
It was during this time and through my raging storm that I heard the Lord speak to my soul. He reminded me of the time when Jesus was walking on water and his disciple, Peter, wanted to walk to him. Every time Peter took his eyes off the Lord, he began to sink in the waves with the wind threatening to overtake him. Peter cried out to the Lord to save him, and in typical Jesus fashion, He said, “You of little faith, why do you doubt?” The Lord knows my future. He knows my path. He truly knows what is best. I chose to cling to this promise instead of push away from the Lord.
“We can
rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help
us develop endurance. And
endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our
confident hope of salvation. And this
hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us,
because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”
Romans 5:3-5
A few months later, I conceived another child and thankfully the Lord saw fit to allow me to carry this child to term. In September of 2009, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Isabel. She is so full of life and radiates love.
“I have told you all this
so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and
sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."
John 16.33
In November of 2011, my husband and I were given the gift of
pregnancy once more. We were able to
see the heartbeat on the ultrasound around 6 weeks, but little did I know that
would be the only time I would see my child on this side of eternity. My baby died shortly after that, however, my
body did not reject the pregnancy until my 10th week. As with the last pregnancy, I had a D &
C. While I deeply grieved the loss of
this child, much like I did the others, I also had a total feeling of peace
that surrounded me. I knew that the Lord
was going to use my story and my life to bring comfort and peace to
others. I knew that the Lord’s glory,
love, and peace would be brought to light through my story.
People often ask me how I did it, how have I survived the
loss of four children? On this side of
things, I can answer honestly that I only survived because the Lord carried me
through each and every loss. The Lord
wept with me as I wept over each child I would never hold or kiss. The Lord sat beside me as I raged at Him
for putting me through this the first time and then again each subsequent
time. The Lord cried over the breaking
of my heart as I cried over the loss of my child. The
Lord never left my side and He will never leave yours.
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You too can share your story!! Send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com and I can help you get it together!
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You too can share your story!! Send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com and I can help you get it together!
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