I don't want this to just be a simple book review. I want this to be my heart's reaction to this book, and to share how it affects me. This book was a very emotional read, but it's the most REAL book I believe I've ever read. (Know that as I read it, I highlighted parts that stuck out to me, and they're 45 in total, so I'm going to cut it down to the top 6 and do 3 posts about the book).
First off, if you aren't sure whether or not you're up to reading this book right now, I'll let you know know that I spent most of the first several chapters with at least a few tears streaming down my face. When she describes their time with their daughter as she was dying and the burial, I had to put the book down for about 10 minutes because not only was I crying, I was also sobbing uncontrollably as I shared this mother's grief.
Now was it worth it, with all the tears and emotions I invested into her story? Absolutely. The later half of her book is all about how she used her daughter's story as a ministry, and how that helped her channel her grief. Does she still miss her daughter? Yes. Is it still painful knowing she's not here? Yes. But is she submitting to God's will for her life and her daughter's life? Absolutely yes.
I want to go through some things I marked in the book that really spoke to me. Today I'll cover the first part of her story, dealing with the pregnancy and her knowledge that she was carrying a child that, according to medical diagnosis, would be born still, and the delicate balance she had to carry between preparing for her daughter's death and holding out for a miracle from the One who can. I'll also get a little bit into where her heart was after her daughter was born.
For your reference, she interweaves her story with the story of Mary & Martha, who write to Jesus that their brother is sick, knowing that He can heal Lazarus, and puts herself in Martha's shoes. So when I reference it, you know where her mind is at.
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Jesus didn't come directly to Lazarus while he was sick, but waited two more days before he left. Angie speculates as to what thoughts Mary & Martha might have been struggling with as they waited.
"Maybe He was punishing them for something they had done in the past. Maybe He was too busy. Maybe He didn't care. Maybe they didn't matter to Him as much as they thought they did. Maybe He wasn't powerful enough for this situation. Maybe He wasn't who He said He was after all."
She continues on to ask the reader if they have been in the same position as her, thinking those thoughts late in the night when the lights of the house had long been out. "In the dark of night, it is easy to surrender to the lies."
Have you been there? I know I have. Somehow, during the light of day, it doesn't quite hurt as much. But when all is still and silent, when my husband is fast asleep, I have the hardest time. The night after we found out, I couldn't sleep because of my hurt. Around midnight, I received a message from an acquaintance I know through photography, and she had seen that I miscarried, so not knowing if I was a believer or not, she sent me the link to a song by Kim Walker-Smith, entitled "I Need You More." I put in my headphones and as soon as the song started, I lost it. I bought the CD it was on, and listened to the CD for an hour while crying and sobbing out my pain. I know God used her to provide me with an outlet for my grief, because my pain had been so great as I was bottling it.
You're broken. You're incomplete. You'll always have issues getting pregnant. You couldn't even keep this baby for a month, no wonder it took you two years to get pregnant. You aren't worthy of being a parent right now.
These are the lies that the devil was feeding me before I got that lifeline message that there's One who cares about my pain, and even though I don't understand it, and I never will, He has a plan. Please, if you're in this same situation late at night, find some worship music to listen to. Start praying to the One who will hold your pieces as you fall apart. Your husband can only help you so much, and at these times, you need your Maker.
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After the birth of their daughter, they received the miracle of 2.5 hours to spend with her as her little heart gradually slowed.
"I wasn't angry. I was strangely, impossibly lat peace. If you were to ask me what emotion dominated for the next several hours, I would say it was joy. I've seen a beautiful quote frequently referenced by various individuals that sums it up perfectly, 'Joy is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ.' I have no doubt that the Lord was in our midst and that He drank deeply of our sorrow that day."
Let me repeat that quote again for you. "'Joy is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ." Wow. That absolutely floored me. All of this pain I've been experiencing, all of this loss, heartache, He's here, and in that I can find joy. Now don't get me wrong, joy is not going and living like a "normal" person. It will take me a very long time to be "normal," and no one should feel rushed. It's a process, and grief is appropriate.
My pastor said something on Sunday (Easter!) that really struck me. "You don't get joy looking back, you get joy looking forward [to the future]!" I know that one day, I will meet my Maker, and with him will stand my little Gabriel. I have not just the hope, but I also have the knowledge that I will see him again!! Yes, it's difficult to not have him here with me, but I know for a fact that he is my son, I am his mother, and the best thing for both of us is for me to realize that I don't need to protect him now, because as frail as he was when he was taken, the One who made him is keeping him for me!!
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