This was written late last night:
Tonight I was on my computer, and I had the desire to go online and "browser shop" (the web version of window shopping) and I realized there was nothing I wanted. Nothing I wanted to save up for, no purchase goals in the foreseeable future, not even the next and best camera! Now let me tell you, this has NEVER happened to me before.
So as I sat here, I decided I'd get to work on the memorial shadow box I'm creating in Gabriel's honor. I've been shopping for the perfect digital scrapbook paper for over an hour. I have been listening to music by a country artist I recently found and these lyrics came up in a song:
"Had this picture in my mind, where we would be in time. But sometimes plans don't go your way. Feels so hard to break away from you. Why'd it have to end this way? Lord I wish that you could stay. And there's still so much I need from you."
At this point I stopped shopping when I felt my heart cinch tight. All of this shopping...this daily life of distractions...it's all there to keep me from feeling this pain. To distract me from what's really going on.
Do I know how to deal with this grief? Clearly not. It is by far the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Oh Sarah. What a post full of raw emotions. Sometimes, we don't know how to grieve. I know it's not the same, but when I lost my Dad... it came to a point where I couldn't cry or deal with my emotions. My family would gather around and pray every night, and that was the only time I could cry. Those moments when I let God into my heart. It was like He was telling me it's okay to cry now. Those moments were the most cathartic, heart wrenching, yet cleansing, moments of loosing my Dad. I know you said you have before, but have you and James been praying together over the grieving process? Something that helped us was to each pick a Bible verse that best described the situation to us. Still praying for you both and your healing. It's not an easy loss. Loosing a child is possibly the worse kind of loss there is. Grieving is different for everyone, but it's important to open yourself up to it.
ReplyDeleteI have those same moments of thinking that I just don't know how to deal with the pain. I think to myself, "It's been ages already. Why can't I just move past this?" <--- not sure if that's the best way to put my thoughts, but that's as close as I can think to come at the moment. I get to points where I feel like I'm doing better, feeling more positive, looking forward (not forgetting the past, but rather just not dwelling on the unhappy aspects) and then something like the words to the song you posted will get to me. I've had days where I seriously just bawl like I'm going to come apart at the seams from the strength of my crying.
ReplyDeleteI DON"T know how to deal with this grief. I didn't get to meet this little person that I had to say goodbye to. I'm not even sure HOW to say goodbye.
A similar moment happened to me 3 1/2 years ago about a month after our loss. I was driving by myself and there was a traffic jam. I turned on my radio to the JoyFM and a song came on (I can't even remember which song) that I started singing to. About 30 seconds into the song I started bawling right there in the car, surrounded by traffic. I had been bottling my grief up until that point and I absolutely lost it. The song didn't even really relate to my situation, but the mere act of singing to the Lord broke down my "happy and totally in control" facade, and I was forced to finally face my pain. Right there in bumper-to-bumper traffic. I guess God figured it was a good time... I was trapped in traffic and had nowhere to run away to, no distractions to drown myself in. I remember feeling ashamed of my weakness at that moment, but now I see how resistant I was to God's healing.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself time, Sarah. There is no timeline to dealing with grief. Just keep praying to the Lord during these times and he will guide you through the grieving process. There is no right or wrong here....just pure unadulterated grief. It's okay; it really is.
ReplyDeleteI understand, friend. Grieving is hard work. And you never know when it will hit you. Just wish we were closer in real life so we could give each other hugs when needed. We WILL get through this.
ReplyDelete