Guest Post: The long road to a Rainbow Baby...

Today's post was written by a great friend of mine that I have known for almost 2 years. She was one of the first people that I saw get pregnant during my time TTC that I was over the moon happy for, because I knew her story. For those of you who don't know, a rainbow baby is a take-home baby (that survives pregnancy) that comes after a stormy time, like infertility or a loss.

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I am 1 in 4.
I am the face of the silent 1 in 4.
I have been in silent grief for almost 3.5 years.  

Before I go any further, know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful & healthy almost 8 month old daughter. I am unbelievably lucky. While I have a wonderful & healthy little girl to snuggle with every day... daily I also grieve the loss of my first sweet child.

November 2008... 

Carefree & happy we walked into the dr’s office on a Friday morning, excited to get to hear our little one’s heartbeat. About two hours later we walked out....crushed, devastated, heartbroken. The heartbeat we were looking so forward to hearing wasn’t there. With that one doctor’s visit I had lost my innocence & joy about pregnancy. I had experienced the dark side of pregnancy.

Immediately I wanted to know WHY. Why me? Why my baby? Why. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? That night while curled up in a ball & sobbing on the bed in the dark I remembered something that happened 4 days before I got the + I had been dreaming of. We had gone to a neighbor friend’s house to hang out. DH had a couple beers & I had 2 glasses of Moscato, my favorite wine. I unknowingly had alcohol while pregnant. In my head that was my why.

I’ve read & have been told all the medical facts on how it was too early for the alcohol to have affected the baby but it doesn’t matter. Don’t bother telling me the alcohol didn’t cause it. What matters to me is that my little one trusted me from day 1 of formation & I betrayed that trust.

I went back to the dr early the next week to get checked out. I had wanted so badly for things to happen “naturally” & without medical intervention but there wasn’t any sign of that happening. I was given the option of trying medication before a D&C so I chose to do that. I thought the medicine would make it less traumatic. I was so naive. That night I crawled in agony into the bathroom, unable to walk due to the cramping, where I stayed for a few hours. Without going into all the gory details will just say that I saw my baby and it is an image that will be forever embedded in my mind. The medication route was not as “less traumatic” as I had hoped it might be.

Having missed a few days of work I went back into the office at the end of that week & immediately ran into a co-worker who said “hey where have you been?” I responded “oh just needed to take a few days off.” He responded “good for you. Did you have a good vacation away from here?” Holding back tears I mumbled that it wasn’t a vacation, I had a miscarriage, & walked off while he stood in silence. 

Quickly realizing that nearly every time I shared my loss with someone I got misguided comments in return, I decided to be extremely selective on who I told in order to “protect” my relationship with that person. The comments weren’t meant to be harmful but each hit me with the force of a thousand stones...

"At least you weren’t that far along”

"Thank goodness you didn’t tell everyone you were pregnant. That would be so hard to deal with.” 

“God must think it’s not your time yet to be a mother.”

“God knows best.”

When my Grandfather had a massive stroke 3 months after my miscarriage my boss said: “Can you imagine still being pregnant while dealing with this? Good thing you only have him to focus on right now.”

December 2010... 

After nearly 2.5 years of trying to have a baby, I randomly woke up very early in the morning & knew I was pregnant. Wide awake I went to the bathroom & took a test - positive!

I beamed at the word “pregnant” on the stick but quickly my excitement was met with anxiety & fear. During the entire pregnancy I stepped into each doctor’s appointment with trepidation. I followed every rule & old wives tale there was. I was even afraid to jinx the pregnancy by filling out the pregnancy journal a friend gave me. I was hopeful & loved the baby that was growing inside me but my positive view of pregnancy had been distorted & I lived in fear that I would be crushed again.   

August 2011... 

I delivered my beautiful little girl. The weeks leading up to the birth were scary...cervix issue, pre-term labor, & pre-eclampsia landed me on bedrest until my dr decided it was time to get the baby out. I was admitted to the hospital for my induction on Wednesday night and endured 2 days of back labor. Friday night I was finally ready to push. Then with every push the baby’s heart rate dropped. Knowing that I really wanted to avoid a c-section the doctor tried the vacuum twice but it was unsuccessful. I was rushed to an emergency c-section. My husband got scrubbed up & in the operating room just as our little girl was born.

All the fear & anxiety I had during the entire pregnancy melted away when she was placed in my husband’s arms & brought to my head so I could see her. She was here. She had made it safely into the world & into our arms. I could breathe again. I am blessed.

Today... 

I have a wonderful daughter. I couldn’t ask for a better baby. I still wonder about the “what ifs.” What if I had been healthier when I got pregnant? What if I didn’t have that wine? What if the heartbeat was missed, were they 1000000% sure? What if my daughter one day asks me or finds out about her lost sibling, how will I respond?? If that baby had lived, would I have my daughter today? What if I had been a better Christian, wife, human? What if?

 Despite all the “what ifs” I know that I have something that others dream of. I have been given the gift that not everyone gets. Because of my loss I realize just how precious my daughter’s life is & how vulnerable a pregnancy can be. I treasure my little girl & take time to snuggle with her every night. The pediatrician says we need to do sleep training... I say if she wants to be rocked to sleep or have an extra cuddle in the middle of the night, I will happily oblige without complaint. I know just how blessed I am. I appreciate the opportunity to cuddle her at night. Because I know what it’s like to lose a child, every little moment with my daughter is a big moment.

I still haven’t had a drop of alcohol since that glass of Moscato.

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If you would like to share your story on my blog, I would love to feature it! Please email me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information. You never know how many women your story might speak to!