What do you do when the journey of life gets rough? Do you panic and wonder where God is and why He isn't intervening?
The disciples panicked when they were faced with a furious storm, even though Jesus was with them. (yeah, I know, ridiculous, right?)
*Mark 4:37-41*
A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”
Do you have faith? Do you trust God and take joy in your circumstances, no matter how painful they are?
*James 1:2-4*
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."
Don't run from God!!! That's exactly what the devil wants you to do! He has no authority over those who have been saved by Christ! Instead, press harder into God. Beg Him to restore joy and peace to your life!
*Philippians 4:6-7*
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Seek after Him with EVERYTHING you have. The fervent and effective prayer of a righteous man avails much!! And if we are righteous through Christ taking our sins upon Himself, then why don't we capture this concept?? Why do we settle for mediocre misery when we can have joy and peace despite any circumstances in our lives?! It doesn't matter if you're having troubles in your marriage, difficulty conceiving, trouble finding a job, dealing with the death of a loved one, or just depressed by the mundane of life... He meets us where we are! He can bring you peace and joy if you will just ASK!!
*Matthew 7:7-8*
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened."
I DARE you to ask in prayer. I DARE you to seek after His promises in the Bible. I DARE you to claim those promises by bombarding the doors of heaven with your prayers!!
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Contentment
As I write this blog, I'm sitting at Starbucks by a window, and a group of women showed up with their strollers and occupied the table just on the other side of this glorious piece of glass that is soundproof. How timely that I would be writing this post right now. God sure does have a sense of humor, and it will definitely fuel this post!!
My pastor has a blog, and one day when I checked my email, I read the first paragraph of this post and was floored. "If you ever realized who God made you to be, you'd want to be you so badly you wouldn't know what to do." Wow. That's not where my head has been. As I sit here and look at these young moms, no older than me, I'm reminded of the almost 1 month old I should be holding, or the fact that I should be entering the second trimester and announcing my pregnancy to the world. I don't know why God does what He does, and I may never know.
So the fact of the matter is that we DON'T know who God made us to be, so how do we live our lives in full contentment, knowing that we're living out God's will for our lives? I don't know that I will ever know that contentment, unless I'm fully focusing on God. Pastor Mike (the same pastor) did a sermon a long time ago and one of the things he discussed stuck with me. He was talking about people who say "Oh, if I just made an extra $5,000 I'd be content." But when they get that money, they want another $5,000, or even $10,000.
There is never contentment in the things of this earth. I remember thinking that if I could just find someone to date. Then, if he would just propose and we get married. Then, if we just had our own house. And now, if we just had one child. But is that really going to satisfy me? Is it possible that the reason I don't have children now is because God has some great things in store for His kingdom and it requires me having the freedom of time that I wouldn't have with a child? Ultimately I should stop asking "Why?" because all will be revealed in His time.
I look back on the home we were so desperate to get, and impatiently waited 3 months (it was a short sale) to see if our offer was approved, and when we turned the house down, frustrated and hurt at why God let us waste so much time, I found our house. A brand new house that wasn't finished 3 months before. I looked back and saw the "Why", and I understand why they say "hindsight is 20/20."
All of this wordiness can be summed up in one sentence: God has a plan for your life, so why pine over the things that life could offer when you KNOW, in the depths of your soul, despite all pain and fear, that He only has the BEST in store for those who love Him??
Sunday, December 16, 2012
The end of my Rainbow...
On a day when our nation saw so much tragedy as 20 innocent little children and 6 brave adults were tragically shot, I experienced my own form of tragedy. But let me back up for a moment to give you the whole story.
The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I found out I was finally pregnant again! After 3 years spent trying to get pregnant and to REMAIN pregnant, I was pregnant with my little rainbow. I had a hunch for the past few months that it wasn't far off, and that it would be a girl. One night in bed, James confessed he thought it was going to be a girl, not knowing my thoughts! My mother even expressed the same thing!!
After a small bout with spotting and a low progesterone number, I quickly got on a progesterone supplement and all was well! My numbers looked great, the spotting stopped, and we had an ultrasound scheduled for the next week, when I should have been 6 weeks along. I felt different this time. I felt like God was giving me this one for keeps! It was amazing to be pregnant after a loss without fear! More like a MIRACLE! I knew how big my God was, and that's all that mattered! :)
Our ultrasound went well, although the baby was measuring a little behind at only 5w2d, but this didn't concern me. Why? Because my God is so big, so strong, and so mighty! After my ultrasound I started having some spotting, which is COMPLETELY normal. I spoke with a nurse and was given all the scenarios of when to call for help or when to not worry at all. I handled it like a champ! Somehow I wasn't freaking out!
Until the next night at dinner, when there were some microscopic clots (this is a red flag). Then there was one that was slightly bigger. When I got home, the spotting turned into a flow. Commence my entire body shivering with nerves. I spoke with the doctor on call, and she told me what I already knew. I could go to the ER, but it wasn't entirely necessary because none of my symptoms were putting my life at risk, and there wasn't anything they could do to stop a miscarriage. I laid in bed, completely numb, and after another trip to the bathroom, my worst nightmare was confirmed. Another very large clot. Just like last time.
How do I go on? How do I continue my journey for children? Is my body defective? How do I risk more heartache? I know I'm meant to have children, but is this REALLY how God wants to prepare me?
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
And I am so weak.
All I want is my sweet Gabriel and my sweet Magdalena Rose. Is that so much to ask? Oh God, my God, why do I feel like you have forsaken me???
Yet somehow, in the midst of all of this pain and heartache, there is this quiet, lingering sense of peace.
The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I found out I was finally pregnant again! After 3 years spent trying to get pregnant and to REMAIN pregnant, I was pregnant with my little rainbow. I had a hunch for the past few months that it wasn't far off, and that it would be a girl. One night in bed, James confessed he thought it was going to be a girl, not knowing my thoughts! My mother even expressed the same thing!!
After a small bout with spotting and a low progesterone number, I quickly got on a progesterone supplement and all was well! My numbers looked great, the spotting stopped, and we had an ultrasound scheduled for the next week, when I should have been 6 weeks along. I felt different this time. I felt like God was giving me this one for keeps! It was amazing to be pregnant after a loss without fear! More like a MIRACLE! I knew how big my God was, and that's all that mattered! :)
Our ultrasound went well, although the baby was measuring a little behind at only 5w2d, but this didn't concern me. Why? Because my God is so big, so strong, and so mighty! After my ultrasound I started having some spotting, which is COMPLETELY normal. I spoke with a nurse and was given all the scenarios of when to call for help or when to not worry at all. I handled it like a champ! Somehow I wasn't freaking out!
Until the next night at dinner, when there were some microscopic clots (this is a red flag). Then there was one that was slightly bigger. When I got home, the spotting turned into a flow. Commence my entire body shivering with nerves. I spoke with the doctor on call, and she told me what I already knew. I could go to the ER, but it wasn't entirely necessary because none of my symptoms were putting my life at risk, and there wasn't anything they could do to stop a miscarriage. I laid in bed, completely numb, and after another trip to the bathroom, my worst nightmare was confirmed. Another very large clot. Just like last time.
How do I go on? How do I continue my journey for children? Is my body defective? How do I risk more heartache? I know I'm meant to have children, but is this REALLY how God wants to prepare me?
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
And I am so weak.
All I want is my sweet Gabriel and my sweet Magdalena Rose. Is that so much to ask? Oh God, my God, why do I feel like you have forsaken me???
Yet somehow, in the midst of all of this pain and heartache, there is this quiet, lingering sense of peace.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Pain, Grief, & Joy
What is pain?
Is pain the presence of something that hurts us, or could it be the absence of joy?
I believe the latter, and I'll explain why. In my life, I have experienced much pain. However, I believe that pain is different from grief. Grief comes from losing something, or someone, that brought joy to our lives, like my Gabriel. I grieve that I won't be meeting him in 2.5 weeks like I should be. I should have been a giant pumpkin for our church's festival, but instead I didn't have a big belly to decorate. I grieve that I won't be able to celebrate is first words, his first steps, first day of school, and every other first, second, and third in his life.
Despite my grief, I have joy. I rejoice that he won't be experiencing the pain of this world. He won't endure the mudslinging of politics, the heartbreak from women, and the all important divide between him and his Savior. He got to skip straight to home plate!!
To me, if I didn't have those things to rejoice in, I would be enduring pain. Instead, I CHOOSE to have joy, despite my sorrow, and know that the Maker who made me is the same one who made my son. He is also the same Maker who sacrificed His own only son to save this wretched world. Who better knows my heart than a Father who grieved the loss of His son?!
So when someone asks me if I'm in pain over the loss of my child, I say no, because I believe with my whole heart that pain is the absence of joy, and I take joy in the circumstances God gives me, whether I like them or not!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
In what do you delight?
Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Ok, great! So all I have to do then is to delight in the Lord and then I can have my rainbow baby? Well, it's not quite that simple... This is something that has been woven through my life, quite often, in the past few years.
First let's look at what it means to "delight" in the Lord. The word delight, as it is here in verb form, means to "take great pleasure." In context that means that we take great pleasure in the Lord! Sounds easy enough, right? When you're taking great pleasure in the Lord, you're involved in His word, and your heart follows His.
So now the concept of receiving the desires of your heart. As I just said, when we delight in the Lord, our hearts are intertwined with what HIS heart is for. His desires are for a world redeemed, for all to know Him and love Him. So when our hearts are intertwined with His, the desires of our hearts become a desire for His will to be done! What a bittersweet concept. There's no promise that women can conceive children if they would just delight in the Lord. There's no guarantee that if you just delight in the Lord, you'll get enough money to be able to buy that nice, new house. What IS guaranteed, is that your heart will be so overwhelmed with His desires for you that you will be content in whatever circumstances you find yourself in, because that's where His will is.
What a tough concept to stick to. I'll leave you with this question. What do you dwell on? What do you spend your free time doing? Do you delight in facebook? Do you delight in Pinterest? Do you delight in charting your temperature and obsessing over your chart as you TTC impatiently for that elusive rainbow baby? Or do you take a step back from all of that and focus on the One who truly matters, when all else will eventually fade away and He is all that will remain?
I definitely put myself in the midst of that. I take some delight from facebook, Pinterest, TTC, as well as some from the Lord. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But I have my moments of contentment. One of these was today, and hopefully it produced a reminder every day that I see it. Our church is very fortunate to have an extremely talented artist, by the name of Sereen Gualtieri. She paints acrylics on reclaimed wood as a form of worship. I was drawn to a few of her paintings that she was selling this morning (all of the money goes to a project to save enslaved children in India) and I saw the scripture she had for this painting: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4. That struck such a note with me that I was intrigued. Then as I was debating buying it, she mentioned that my outfit actually matched the woman in the painting: white shirt, colored skirt, and curly hair (which she doesn't often do).
So, taking a step of faith that the Lord had a purpose for this painting in my life, I bought it! And oddly enough, it wasn't listed online with all of the others. I can only wonder what God wants to use this painting for in my life, but even if it's just a constant reminder to delight in Him, it was well worth it.
Ok, great! So all I have to do then is to delight in the Lord and then I can have my rainbow baby? Well, it's not quite that simple... This is something that has been woven through my life, quite often, in the past few years.
First let's look at what it means to "delight" in the Lord. The word delight, as it is here in verb form, means to "take great pleasure." In context that means that we take great pleasure in the Lord! Sounds easy enough, right? When you're taking great pleasure in the Lord, you're involved in His word, and your heart follows His.
So now the concept of receiving the desires of your heart. As I just said, when we delight in the Lord, our hearts are intertwined with what HIS heart is for. His desires are for a world redeemed, for all to know Him and love Him. So when our hearts are intertwined with His, the desires of our hearts become a desire for His will to be done! What a bittersweet concept. There's no promise that women can conceive children if they would just delight in the Lord. There's no guarantee that if you just delight in the Lord, you'll get enough money to be able to buy that nice, new house. What IS guaranteed, is that your heart will be so overwhelmed with His desires for you that you will be content in whatever circumstances you find yourself in, because that's where His will is.
What a tough concept to stick to. I'll leave you with this question. What do you dwell on? What do you spend your free time doing? Do you delight in facebook? Do you delight in Pinterest? Do you delight in charting your temperature and obsessing over your chart as you TTC impatiently for that elusive rainbow baby? Or do you take a step back from all of that and focus on the One who truly matters, when all else will eventually fade away and He is all that will remain?
I definitely put myself in the midst of that. I take some delight from facebook, Pinterest, TTC, as well as some from the Lord. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But I have my moments of contentment. One of these was today, and hopefully it produced a reminder every day that I see it. Our church is very fortunate to have an extremely talented artist, by the name of Sereen Gualtieri. She paints acrylics on reclaimed wood as a form of worship. I was drawn to a few of her paintings that she was selling this morning (all of the money goes to a project to save enslaved children in India) and I saw the scripture she had for this painting: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4. That struck such a note with me that I was intrigued. Then as I was debating buying it, she mentioned that my outfit actually matched the woman in the painting: white shirt, colored skirt, and curly hair (which she doesn't often do).
So, taking a step of faith that the Lord had a purpose for this painting in my life, I bought it! And oddly enough, it wasn't listed online with all of the others. I can only wonder what God wants to use this painting for in my life, but even if it's just a constant reminder to delight in Him, it was well worth it.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Time for an update!
So it's been a little bit since I've posted about my life, and people keep asking me what I'm up to, so here we go!
As most of you know, in the Fall of last year I started a professional photography business which combined my love for photography with my love for people! As time went on I realized how tough my market is, not because photography is a luxury that many people don't buy, but because there are so many photographers in my area, whether quality artists or not, that charge FAR less than they should. There are certain costs that come with running a business, and their time is more valuable than they realize. I, however, know how much my time is worth, and unfortunately it is very difficult to break into a market of under-chargers when you're in one of the higher tiers of the market.
All of that is to say that I feel like God's telling me that the door is closed on my business for now, but that I will be able to pick it back up later. So where does that leave me now? Looking for work!! I can't sit at home not doing anything, so I'm moving back towards the professional workplace, looking for work in the administrative field. I had an interview this morning and it went really well, so I'm looking forward to hearing back from them! Unfortunately, I'm a very people-person and that doesn't come across in our "online application" age, so the other few applications that I have turned in haven't returned any prospects yet.
I have been making progress in the grief department, as well. Saturday was the first baby shower that I have been invited to since our loss, and the mom-to-be has been so very supportive and compassionate since our loss, so I felt like I owed it to her. Also, if I needed to leave, she would completely understand. I actually made it through the entire shower without shedding a single tear! For the most part I was fairly comfortable, due to some other friends being there. During the gift-unwrapping I had a hard moment, as no one was talking anymore (therefore my distraction was gone) and everyone decided to "ooh" and "aah" over the swaddling gift. There were flashes before my eyes of me holding a swaddling blanket with no baby to swaddle. I'll never have that opportunity with Gabriel. I won't have a shower to celebrate his life, just a blog to mourn his loss. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom to clear my head, and after coming back the conversation had resumed, so I was ok again.
So there's the long and the short of what's going on in my life! Learning to celebrate with other people and not making it all about me, and looking for a job!
As most of you know, in the Fall of last year I started a professional photography business which combined my love for photography with my love for people! As time went on I realized how tough my market is, not because photography is a luxury that many people don't buy, but because there are so many photographers in my area, whether quality artists or not, that charge FAR less than they should. There are certain costs that come with running a business, and their time is more valuable than they realize. I, however, know how much my time is worth, and unfortunately it is very difficult to break into a market of under-chargers when you're in one of the higher tiers of the market.
All of that is to say that I feel like God's telling me that the door is closed on my business for now, but that I will be able to pick it back up later. So where does that leave me now? Looking for work!! I can't sit at home not doing anything, so I'm moving back towards the professional workplace, looking for work in the administrative field. I had an interview this morning and it went really well, so I'm looking forward to hearing back from them! Unfortunately, I'm a very people-person and that doesn't come across in our "online application" age, so the other few applications that I have turned in haven't returned any prospects yet.
I have been making progress in the grief department, as well. Saturday was the first baby shower that I have been invited to since our loss, and the mom-to-be has been so very supportive and compassionate since our loss, so I felt like I owed it to her. Also, if I needed to leave, she would completely understand. I actually made it through the entire shower without shedding a single tear! For the most part I was fairly comfortable, due to some other friends being there. During the gift-unwrapping I had a hard moment, as no one was talking anymore (therefore my distraction was gone) and everyone decided to "ooh" and "aah" over the swaddling gift. There were flashes before my eyes of me holding a swaddling blanket with no baby to swaddle. I'll never have that opportunity with Gabriel. I won't have a shower to celebrate his life, just a blog to mourn his loss. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom to clear my head, and after coming back the conversation had resumed, so I was ok again.
So there's the long and the short of what's going on in my life! Learning to celebrate with other people and not making it all about me, and looking for a job!
Thursday, June 14, 2012
A Balancing Act
So, hypothetically speaking, you're in a community of women, some of which happen to be dealing with infertility and loss. It gives you a special bond in your TTTC (trouble trying to conceive) journeys. So what happens when one of those women, after going through heartache dealing with infertility, is pregnant with a miracle baby and announces just after you find out your pregnant too? Why, you rejoice with her! Now, what happens when you lose your little love, and a few months later that she has the exact same due date as you? Well obviously, you'll probably cry first. But then what? Where is that balance of joy for her triumph over infertility, and sorrow as you witness the milestones that you should be having?
Ok, confession. I'm not speaking of a hypothetical situation, but I'm pretty sure you've all gathered as much. And in case you end up reading this, L, I am very very happy for your rainbow baby and wish you the best second and third trimesters with your sweet little olive and that you're able to enjoy every moment of pregnancy!
So for the rest of you. This has been a very weird situation for me, because she hasn't been the typical "Omg I'm pregnant!" or "I felt the baby kick today!" type of poster, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with her sensitivity to others struggles because of where she has been. But what about those more common people, who may not have struggled for their baby, and post things all.day.long about how horrible they feel, how ready they are to just have the baby OUT already, or any other number of complaints related to the pregnancy? How do you handle that? How do you handle posts where women talk about every single teeny-tiny craving, about how they're going on a trip "before my life is over", or about how other women should be grateful they're not pregnant for [insert any number of things here] reasons?
Obviously I've seen a lot of this lately, and seen post after post on my loss support group about such things. **News flash** it's hard for women who have had a loss or struggle with infertility to be friends with these types of people! Fortunately Facebook has this little feature where you can unsubscribe from posts from particular people, but does this really solve the issue? Yes, it helps, but I think a lot of the problem is perspective. We see women not being grateful, and yes, people should be sensitive to other people's pain, but if you haven't struggled for something, do you appreciate it as much? Are we expecting too much from these naive women who just haven't known any other way of life?
It's a strange concept, knowing we should be happy for someone, but being so frustrated at their lack of gratitude for their situation. I think we just have to get to a point where we wish them health in their pregnancy and then cease communication. If it's a close friend you should probably explain the issue, justso they know you're not mad at them. Some pregnant women are easier for me to be around strictly because they know what I've been through and have a very compassionate nature. These women are the kind that understand why you're not jumpig up and down with joy at their every milestone, and don't think any less of you. Yes, there will be those selfish women that just get mad at us for not fawning over them, but that's what I call a toxic situation. Sometimes they can't be helped because they're family members, but I'm hoping that the more women who have experienced a loss start speaking up, the more aware the general population will be about the proper etiquette for interacting with us.
So for this balancing act, don't feel bad for not jumping up and down for joy, but find it somewhere within your heart to wish them the best in their journey, because you know what the pain of loss feels like, and none of us would wish that on our worst enemy. Whether they understand why you don't fawn them or not, you have found some balance in this crazy after-a-loss life.
Ok, confession. I'm not speaking of a hypothetical situation, but I'm pretty sure you've all gathered as much. And in case you end up reading this, L, I am very very happy for your rainbow baby and wish you the best second and third trimesters with your sweet little olive and that you're able to enjoy every moment of pregnancy!
So for the rest of you. This has been a very weird situation for me, because she hasn't been the typical "Omg I'm pregnant!" or "I felt the baby kick today!" type of poster, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with her sensitivity to others struggles because of where she has been. But what about those more common people, who may not have struggled for their baby, and post things all.day.long about how horrible they feel, how ready they are to just have the baby OUT already, or any other number of complaints related to the pregnancy? How do you handle that? How do you handle posts where women talk about every single teeny-tiny craving, about how they're going on a trip "before my life is over", or about how other women should be grateful they're not pregnant for [insert any number of things here] reasons?
Obviously I've seen a lot of this lately, and seen post after post on my loss support group about such things. **News flash** it's hard for women who have had a loss or struggle with infertility to be friends with these types of people! Fortunately Facebook has this little feature where you can unsubscribe from posts from particular people, but does this really solve the issue? Yes, it helps, but I think a lot of the problem is perspective. We see women not being grateful, and yes, people should be sensitive to other people's pain, but if you haven't struggled for something, do you appreciate it as much? Are we expecting too much from these naive women who just haven't known any other way of life?
It's a strange concept, knowing we should be happy for someone, but being so frustrated at their lack of gratitude for their situation. I think we just have to get to a point where we wish them health in their pregnancy and then cease communication. If it's a close friend you should probably explain the issue, justso they know you're not mad at them. Some pregnant women are easier for me to be around strictly because they know what I've been through and have a very compassionate nature. These women are the kind that understand why you're not jumpig up and down with joy at their every milestone, and don't think any less of you. Yes, there will be those selfish women that just get mad at us for not fawning over them, but that's what I call a toxic situation. Sometimes they can't be helped because they're family members, but I'm hoping that the more women who have experienced a loss start speaking up, the more aware the general population will be about the proper etiquette for interacting with us.
So for this balancing act, don't feel bad for not jumping up and down for joy, but find it somewhere within your heart to wish them the best in their journey, because you know what the pain of loss feels like, and none of us would wish that on our worst enemy. Whether they understand why you don't fawn them or not, you have found some balance in this crazy after-a-loss life.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Why?
God, why would you do this to me? Why do teenagers get pregnant and have babies, and I'm sitting here mourning the loss of mine? We have a wonderful marriage, a home that we own, my husband has a fantastic job, and yet we still don't have a child. Why? The response I keep getting:
"Who are you to question my sovereign will?"
Well I guess I can end this post there. That's a very definitive statement. Unfortunately, that answer brings up many more questions in our human minds. "What did I do to cause you to punish me this way?" A very wise person told me that what we sometimes perceive things as punishment when they're meant for our protection. {none of these following examples have any factual basis, they are merely to emphasize my point}
You were rejected by the cute surfer in your first semester Economics class. You lost the championship soccer game your senior year of high school, and with it your future career. You broke your foot two days before your senior prom and had to miss it. That guy who rejected you in college? You see him on the news years later in jail for beating his girlfriend. You may be single still, but it's far better than that alternative. God protected you! If you had won that soccer game you would have skipped past college, and never would have met that woman that was struggling with depression and just needed a friend. If you hadn't broken your foot before the prom you might never have gone to med school.
Now here's my disclaimer. These situations could be true of some of you, but that doesn't mean that you'll be able to see those moments as positive defining moments in your life. When I looked back to that little girl sitting alone on the rug in her room, just wanting to spend time with her sister's friends, I just saw a sad little girl. What I didn't see, but see now, is that I being strengthened and prepared to relate to my high school students as they deal with the same sort of "alone" feelings. This didn't come to me spontaneously, this came from several sessions with my therapist and I praying that God would reveal the moments of hurt in my past and redeem them; to show me where He was working in my life when I didn't see it.
I have to keep reminding myself that God has only the best in store for me in the end, and that I may not understand the "why" but I have to trust that He will be there with me and will make me stronger in the process. I'll leave you with this poem by Mary Stevenson (if you've read it before, appease me and read it again keeping this whole post in mind):
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
That if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
"Who are you to question my sovereign will?"
Well I guess I can end this post there. That's a very definitive statement. Unfortunately, that answer brings up many more questions in our human minds. "What did I do to cause you to punish me this way?" A very wise person told me that what we sometimes perceive things as punishment when they're meant for our protection. {none of these following examples have any factual basis, they are merely to emphasize my point}
You were rejected by the cute surfer in your first semester Economics class. You lost the championship soccer game your senior year of high school, and with it your future career. You broke your foot two days before your senior prom and had to miss it. That guy who rejected you in college? You see him on the news years later in jail for beating his girlfriend. You may be single still, but it's far better than that alternative. God protected you! If you had won that soccer game you would have skipped past college, and never would have met that woman that was struggling with depression and just needed a friend. If you hadn't broken your foot before the prom you might never have gone to med school.
Now here's my disclaimer. These situations could be true of some of you, but that doesn't mean that you'll be able to see those moments as positive defining moments in your life. When I looked back to that little girl sitting alone on the rug in her room, just wanting to spend time with her sister's friends, I just saw a sad little girl. What I didn't see, but see now, is that I being strengthened and prepared to relate to my high school students as they deal with the same sort of "alone" feelings. This didn't come to me spontaneously, this came from several sessions with my therapist and I praying that God would reveal the moments of hurt in my past and redeem them; to show me where He was working in my life when I didn't see it.
I have to keep reminding myself that God has only the best in store for me in the end, and that I may not understand the "why" but I have to trust that He will be there with me and will make me stronger in the process. I'll leave you with this poem by Mary Stevenson (if you've read it before, appease me and read it again keeping this whole post in mind):
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.
This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
That if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"
The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
To Hope vs. To Wait
Today I’m going to go in a slightly more theological direction, but it will be great (and probably very wordy, as my friend Amy puts it), so try and keep up with my ramblings! Yesterday I was in my therapy session talking about being hopeful for the future, and she dropped an awesome knowledge bomb on me! In many languages the words “hope” and “wait” have only one word. For example, to say either of these words in Spanish, you use the word “esperar”. Are you following?
So I decided to dig a little (ok, a lot) deeper. She mentioned that it’s the same in Hebrew, and since I like to verify facts before I write them, I spent a while using Dr. Google. It was hard at first, not knowing how to read Hebrew, but I gradually got a stride and got some work done, and what I found was awesome! But let’s pause for a second (or a couple of paragraphs) so I can talk about why I was so blown away by this fact.
When I hear the word “hope” I think of the glass being half full. When I hope for my next pregnancy each month, I am waiting expectantly and eagerly for that positive test. I am living day to day in an eager anticipation for what I have confidence will come. Why do I have this confidence? Well, that’s a whole other story, but I’ll keep it brief. I know that the Lord planted a desire in my heart to have children from a young age, and whether I have one of my own body or adopt one that He sends to me, I know I will be a mother. So I continue about my life, but I also am patient for the Lord to work in His timing.
When I hear the word “wait” I can only think of impatience. Our modern culture, especially in America, is very NOW minded. We want what we want, when we want it. Let me repeat that. We want WHAT we want, WHEN we want it. There is a reason it is so hard to get the latest iPhone or iPad, and that’s because EVERYONE who wants one is in line to buy one. Our nation is so “me” oriented that we can’t stop and see how demanding and childish we’re being. I can’t tell you how many clips I’ve seen of Black Friday stampedes. Are we that desperate to get the things that we want that we’d be willing to trample people?? What a glass-half-empty lifestyle, always wanting something else, never being content.
Here’s a verse I read today: “And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.” (Psalm 39:7). The first word, “wait” is from the Hebrew “Qavah” which means “to hope, wait, and expect” and “to wait eagerly for”. That sounds like hope to me! The second word, “hope” is from a Hebrew word whose root is “Yachal”, which also means “to wait, hope, expect.” So I found it QUITE intriguing that there are two Hebrew root words that mean the exact same thing: to look forward to something eagerly. However, I also found a common theme among many analysts and bloggers online. Another meaning of the word Qavah is “to bind together like a twisted rope”, and it binds together patience and hope. Waiting is a twisted rope of patience and hope. I don’t know about you, but this is not the “wait” that I grew up with!
Yesterday after my session I watched the first video of 10 weeks in a Beth Moore Bible study on Esther. How crazy that in the midst of this study, she offered a definition of “hope” as it relates to the Greek word in the Bible: “It is subjectively the inner, psychological sense of hope; confidence, eager anticipation, expectation, longing, or aspiration.” Even when you don’t see God working in your life, you know that He’s about to show up in a mighty way. It may not be today or tomorrow, but when He’s working unseen in your life, how much greater will it be when He makes Himself known?
“Ok, Sarah, I’m bored. Can you please tell me what this has to do with loss and trying to get pregnant?” Why certainly! My epiphany is this: If waiting is meant to be patience and hope, then I need to look at this experience day by day and wait eagerly for the day that the Lord will give me what He has in store for me (and not be mad or angry if a cycle passes and I’m not pregnant). Instead of spending each month thinking, “Will I EVER get pregnant again? Will I ever have a successful pregnancy?” I need to focus on the fact that my Lord won’t give me a stone when I ask for bread. Nothing bad will come from me asking Him for a child over and over (in fact, He wants us to ask Him for the desires of our hearts), but I also know that He will give me what I need to be fulfilled. That means that if I need to have more time right now with my husband to develop our relationship and communication, before it’s complicated with other little lives that depend on us, then I know He won’t give me my children yet. And right now, as much as I may hurt, I know that in the end He will be glorified, and isn’t that all that really matters?
So I decided to dig a little (ok, a lot) deeper. She mentioned that it’s the same in Hebrew, and since I like to verify facts before I write them, I spent a while using Dr. Google. It was hard at first, not knowing how to read Hebrew, but I gradually got a stride and got some work done, and what I found was awesome! But let’s pause for a second (or a couple of paragraphs) so I can talk about why I was so blown away by this fact.
When I hear the word “hope” I think of the glass being half full. When I hope for my next pregnancy each month, I am waiting expectantly and eagerly for that positive test. I am living day to day in an eager anticipation for what I have confidence will come. Why do I have this confidence? Well, that’s a whole other story, but I’ll keep it brief. I know that the Lord planted a desire in my heart to have children from a young age, and whether I have one of my own body or adopt one that He sends to me, I know I will be a mother. So I continue about my life, but I also am patient for the Lord to work in His timing.
When I hear the word “wait” I can only think of impatience. Our modern culture, especially in America, is very NOW minded. We want what we want, when we want it. Let me repeat that. We want WHAT we want, WHEN we want it. There is a reason it is so hard to get the latest iPhone or iPad, and that’s because EVERYONE who wants one is in line to buy one. Our nation is so “me” oriented that we can’t stop and see how demanding and childish we’re being. I can’t tell you how many clips I’ve seen of Black Friday stampedes. Are we that desperate to get the things that we want that we’d be willing to trample people?? What a glass-half-empty lifestyle, always wanting something else, never being content.
Here’s a verse I read today: “And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.” (Psalm 39:7). The first word, “wait” is from the Hebrew “Qavah” which means “to hope, wait, and expect” and “to wait eagerly for”. That sounds like hope to me! The second word, “hope” is from a Hebrew word whose root is “Yachal”, which also means “to wait, hope, expect.” So I found it QUITE intriguing that there are two Hebrew root words that mean the exact same thing: to look forward to something eagerly. However, I also found a common theme among many analysts and bloggers online. Another meaning of the word Qavah is “to bind together like a twisted rope”, and it binds together patience and hope. Waiting is a twisted rope of patience and hope. I don’t know about you, but this is not the “wait” that I grew up with!
Yesterday after my session I watched the first video of 10 weeks in a Beth Moore Bible study on Esther. How crazy that in the midst of this study, she offered a definition of “hope” as it relates to the Greek word in the Bible: “It is subjectively the inner, psychological sense of hope; confidence, eager anticipation, expectation, longing, or aspiration.” Even when you don’t see God working in your life, you know that He’s about to show up in a mighty way. It may not be today or tomorrow, but when He’s working unseen in your life, how much greater will it be when He makes Himself known?
“Ok, Sarah, I’m bored. Can you please tell me what this has to do with loss and trying to get pregnant?” Why certainly! My epiphany is this: If waiting is meant to be patience and hope, then I need to look at this experience day by day and wait eagerly for the day that the Lord will give me what He has in store for me (and not be mad or angry if a cycle passes and I’m not pregnant). Instead of spending each month thinking, “Will I EVER get pregnant again? Will I ever have a successful pregnancy?” I need to focus on the fact that my Lord won’t give me a stone when I ask for bread. Nothing bad will come from me asking Him for a child over and over (in fact, He wants us to ask Him for the desires of our hearts), but I also know that He will give me what I need to be fulfilled. That means that if I need to have more time right now with my husband to develop our relationship and communication, before it’s complicated with other little lives that depend on us, then I know He won’t give me my children yet. And right now, as much as I may hurt, I know that in the end He will be glorified, and isn’t that all that really matters?
Thursday, May 31, 2012
If you could ask God one question...
What would it be?
I heard this on the radio this morning and it really got me thinking. What would I ask? One question immediately came to mind. "God, why did you take away my baby?" As I sat and thought about it, I realized the answer wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. God would probably say something like "His life is better here in my care than it would have been on earth." or "I am growing you through this loss, and one day you will be reunited with him." To that I respond, "REALLY God?? That's it??" and I realize that no answer to this question would truly satisfy me.
Then I thought some more about it and realized how selfish it would be for me to ask that. First off, who am I to question God's plan for my life? Second, if I'm the only person who gets an answer to a question, wouldn't it be better served in another way?
"God, how do I rid the world of hunger?"
"God, how can we achieve world peace?"
"God, how do we reach the Muslim world for you?"
"God, when is Jesus coming back?"
It's so easy to get caught up in our own pain and suffering and miss what else is going on in the world. I am currently in the youth ministry at my church, and after our loss, one of the first things I wanted to do was to go back and continue serving. I have a fantastic community of co-leaders who may not understand my circumstances or pain, but they understand that I hurt and have been there to hug me, let me cry on their shoulders, and stand by my side and pray for me. Even my students stepped up to minister to me after our loss. It's so amazing to see how God rewards us, in a heavenly way, for our service to His kingdom.
If you could ask God one question, what would it be, and why? I'd love to see some responses in the comments if you have a moment to spare :)
I heard this on the radio this morning and it really got me thinking. What would I ask? One question immediately came to mind. "God, why did you take away my baby?" As I sat and thought about it, I realized the answer wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. God would probably say something like "His life is better here in my care than it would have been on earth." or "I am growing you through this loss, and one day you will be reunited with him." To that I respond, "REALLY God?? That's it??" and I realize that no answer to this question would truly satisfy me.
Then I thought some more about it and realized how selfish it would be for me to ask that. First off, who am I to question God's plan for my life? Second, if I'm the only person who gets an answer to a question, wouldn't it be better served in another way?
"God, how do I rid the world of hunger?"
"God, how can we achieve world peace?"
"God, how do we reach the Muslim world for you?"
"God, when is Jesus coming back?"
It's so easy to get caught up in our own pain and suffering and miss what else is going on in the world. I am currently in the youth ministry at my church, and after our loss, one of the first things I wanted to do was to go back and continue serving. I have a fantastic community of co-leaders who may not understand my circumstances or pain, but they understand that I hurt and have been there to hug me, let me cry on their shoulders, and stand by my side and pray for me. Even my students stepped up to minister to me after our loss. It's so amazing to see how God rewards us, in a heavenly way, for our service to His kingdom.
If you could ask God one question, what would it be, and why? I'd love to see some responses in the comments if you have a moment to spare :)
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Back from a 3 week break :)
After taking a break for our vacation, I decided to let it continue until after Memorial Day. We had a great trip to the Smoky Mountains in North Carolina, and I really had time to relax and spend some quality time with my husband. Sure, some of our time was spent watching the Food Network and researching mountain bikes (James) and vintage cameras (me), but it was a great time together!!
Since returning from our vacation, I've had the opportunity to go to therapy weekly, seeing a woman who shares my faith, as well as my theology. In three weeks of talking, she has told me that i am grieving very normally, which was a huge encouragement. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have other past junk that we feel God wants me to work through, but it does mean that God has given me the opportunity to grieve in a healthy manner.
What does grief look like for you? For me, one large thing I did was to purchase this memorial necklace in honor of Gabriel. (Huge thanks to Nettles Jewelery who toiled to help me search catalogs for the perfect necklace!)
The best part about it? The two hearts are intertwined in a way that if you took away the little heart, the big heart is no longer whole. To me it's a perfect symbol of where I am right now: missing my child who is a part of me, but still having parts of my heart that are whole and ready to be consumed by some rainbow babies. In case I haven't used that term before, a rainbow baby is a take-home miracle baby after a storm (loss, infertility, etc). And a take-home baby is one that makes it successfully through the pregnancy and gets to go home to live with mommy and daddy. We're praying very hard for our rainbow baby, and I'm praying for many others to have theirs as well.
At the risk of sharing too much, I want to add that we women aren't the only ones that have our struggles. Our husbands aren't big emotionless bears. Over memorial day weekend, we spent time with James' work family, and one woman was 7-8 months pregnant, and there were two babies, 13 months and 6 months. To make matters worse, we were the only young couple with no children or children in utero. I'd encourage you ladies to be sensitive to what your husband might be going through. James had a difficult time at the beginning of this weekend (as did I) and he talked to me when he wanted to. Don't force them to talk, because it doesn't always help, and it might cause them frustration if they AREN'T hurting, because they feel like they should be hurting. Just be there for support!!!
I won't be posting as often on my blog right now because I'm busy working through things in my life, as well as searching for a job. I can't say how much it means to me to have readers who care about our story, and I really love hearing YOUR stories! Feel free to email me your story at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com :)
Since returning from our vacation, I've had the opportunity to go to therapy weekly, seeing a woman who shares my faith, as well as my theology. In three weeks of talking, she has told me that i am grieving very normally, which was a huge encouragement. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have other past junk that we feel God wants me to work through, but it does mean that God has given me the opportunity to grieve in a healthy manner.
What does grief look like for you? For me, one large thing I did was to purchase this memorial necklace in honor of Gabriel. (Huge thanks to Nettles Jewelery who toiled to help me search catalogs for the perfect necklace!)
The best part about it? The two hearts are intertwined in a way that if you took away the little heart, the big heart is no longer whole. To me it's a perfect symbol of where I am right now: missing my child who is a part of me, but still having parts of my heart that are whole and ready to be consumed by some rainbow babies. In case I haven't used that term before, a rainbow baby is a take-home miracle baby after a storm (loss, infertility, etc). And a take-home baby is one that makes it successfully through the pregnancy and gets to go home to live with mommy and daddy. We're praying very hard for our rainbow baby, and I'm praying for many others to have theirs as well.
At the risk of sharing too much, I want to add that we women aren't the only ones that have our struggles. Our husbands aren't big emotionless bears. Over memorial day weekend, we spent time with James' work family, and one woman was 7-8 months pregnant, and there were two babies, 13 months and 6 months. To make matters worse, we were the only young couple with no children or children in utero. I'd encourage you ladies to be sensitive to what your husband might be going through. James had a difficult time at the beginning of this weekend (as did I) and he talked to me when he wanted to. Don't force them to talk, because it doesn't always help, and it might cause them frustration if they AREN'T hurting, because they feel like they should be hurting. Just be there for support!!!
I won't be posting as often on my blog right now because I'm busy working through things in my life, as well as searching for a job. I can't say how much it means to me to have readers who care about our story, and I really love hearing YOUR stories! Feel free to email me your story at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com :)
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Guest Post Thursday: A Struggle through Pain
I meant to share this story last Wednesday, but my day got away from me (and it didn't post yesterday even though it was scheduled!! Sorry, I'll have to look into that after my vacation!). This is the story of my friend Carrie, and while I love sharing my blog with everyone, there is some slightly more adult content than normal, so I would suggest parents read through it first before letting any children (even teens) read it.
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My story starts out a bit different than most, but I feel my story should be told in its entirety to better understand my journey and who I am today.
I married my wonderful husband on September 19, 2009. He truly is the love of my life. We saved ourselves for each other and our first time being intimate was on our wedding night. We just had this gorgeous wedding full of family, friends and love and we were excited to end the evening by consummating our marriage. Sadly, that is not what happened. For almost two years of our marriage we struggled with a condition called Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition that causes intercourse to be impossible or extremely painful. Not only did this ruin my self esteem as a wife, but trying to conceive children was out of the question due to this condition. We went to several specialist within our area and nothing worked, but seemed to exasperate the condition. I was frustrated with my body, for not doing what God had intended it to do. Finally, in July of 2011, we found a treatment center in New York that offered a wonderful two week program and I am happy to say we are finally cured!
Six months after we were cured, the recommended wait time per our Vaginismus doctors, we decided to start trying for children. We were ecstatic when I got a positive pregnancy test on our first cycle trying! We were both so happy and finally feeling that our struggle with Vaginismus was worth it. Looking back, we were naive, but quickly told everyone and even announced on facebook when I was just 5 weeks pregnant. A week or two after discovering that I was pregnant, I just felt like something wasn’t right. I was cramping a lot so I called my OB. My first appointment wasn’t until I would be over 10 weeks along, so they went ahead and brought me in for beta blood work. My beta levels were alarming low.
They kept trying to tell me that maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought, but I knew in my heart that I was most likely going to miscarry. I had an ultrasound shortly after that showed only a 4 week sac, instead of a six week sac that I should have had at that time. I was devastated. For almost two weeks, I endured blood tests and ultrasounds, just waiting for the final outcome. Finally, my body decided to miscarry on its own. Once again, those familiar feelings of frustration returned. Why can’t my body just be normal like everyone else’s? Everyone else seems to have sex and babies like it is no problem, whats wrong with me?
And all I could think about was my precious baby that I had lost. I felt connected to my little one from the moment I saw the positive test. The overwhelming feeling of loss was unbearable at times. Our wonderful Vaginismus doctors gave me a beautiful pin when I miscarried that said ‘Mizpah’ on it, which is Hebrew for ‘watchtower’. I named my precious baby ‘Mizpah’ after the pin and the bible verse in Genesis that states “The Lord will watch over you and me while we are apart”. I can’t wait to see my precious baby in the future, but I know for now Jesus is holding and taking care of him.
But, I slipped into a deep deep depression. I became extremely angry at God. I blocked everyone out and stopped going to church. I lashed out angrily at my husband and my loved ones. And on top of that, we are having health insurance issues and we no longer have maternity coverage, which further pushed back trying for another baby anytime soon.
I also became angry because people I thought would be there for me weren’t at all. Yet, I had people that I barely knew who came over to see me, gave me gifts, and cleaned my house. It truly was a blessing that even though the people I ‘expected’ to be there for me weren’t, God provided unexpected people to care for me.
I am still working through my emotions. I am not quite as angry, and I am slowly realizing that as much as Vaginismus and having a miscarriage are truly traumatizing and awful- the only thing that makes it worth it is knowing that I can help someone else who has endured the same awful nightmare. I think of the verse in 2 Corinthians “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” With that being said if you are personally struggling with Vaginismus, or the aftermath of a miscarriage, feel free to visit my personal blog at http://waitingwamplers.wordpress.com. My contact information is there and I’d love to talk with you.
All of the above is to say, my husband and I have endured trials and we don’t understand the reason why- but even when I don’t believe it, I have to choose to say and believe that God is still good and He is still God. It’s okay to get angry, it’s okay to question Him- but at the end of the day I must trust Him and realize I cannot change that these things happened to me. I must move forward, as difficult as it is- and simply trust.
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My story starts out a bit different than most, but I feel my story should be told in its entirety to better understand my journey and who I am today.
I married my wonderful husband on September 19, 2009. He truly is the love of my life. We saved ourselves for each other and our first time being intimate was on our wedding night. We just had this gorgeous wedding full of family, friends and love and we were excited to end the evening by consummating our marriage. Sadly, that is not what happened. For almost two years of our marriage we struggled with a condition called Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition that causes intercourse to be impossible or extremely painful. Not only did this ruin my self esteem as a wife, but trying to conceive children was out of the question due to this condition. We went to several specialist within our area and nothing worked, but seemed to exasperate the condition. I was frustrated with my body, for not doing what God had intended it to do. Finally, in July of 2011, we found a treatment center in New York that offered a wonderful two week program and I am happy to say we are finally cured!
Six months after we were cured, the recommended wait time per our Vaginismus doctors, we decided to start trying for children. We were ecstatic when I got a positive pregnancy test on our first cycle trying! We were both so happy and finally feeling that our struggle with Vaginismus was worth it. Looking back, we were naive, but quickly told everyone and even announced on facebook when I was just 5 weeks pregnant. A week or two after discovering that I was pregnant, I just felt like something wasn’t right. I was cramping a lot so I called my OB. My first appointment wasn’t until I would be over 10 weeks along, so they went ahead and brought me in for beta blood work. My beta levels were alarming low.
They kept trying to tell me that maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought, but I knew in my heart that I was most likely going to miscarry. I had an ultrasound shortly after that showed only a 4 week sac, instead of a six week sac that I should have had at that time. I was devastated. For almost two weeks, I endured blood tests and ultrasounds, just waiting for the final outcome. Finally, my body decided to miscarry on its own. Once again, those familiar feelings of frustration returned. Why can’t my body just be normal like everyone else’s? Everyone else seems to have sex and babies like it is no problem, whats wrong with me?
And all I could think about was my precious baby that I had lost. I felt connected to my little one from the moment I saw the positive test. The overwhelming feeling of loss was unbearable at times. Our wonderful Vaginismus doctors gave me a beautiful pin when I miscarried that said ‘Mizpah’ on it, which is Hebrew for ‘watchtower’. I named my precious baby ‘Mizpah’ after the pin and the bible verse in Genesis that states “The Lord will watch over you and me while we are apart”. I can’t wait to see my precious baby in the future, but I know for now Jesus is holding and taking care of him.
But, I slipped into a deep deep depression. I became extremely angry at God. I blocked everyone out and stopped going to church. I lashed out angrily at my husband and my loved ones. And on top of that, we are having health insurance issues and we no longer have maternity coverage, which further pushed back trying for another baby anytime soon.
I also became angry because people I thought would be there for me weren’t at all. Yet, I had people that I barely knew who came over to see me, gave me gifts, and cleaned my house. It truly was a blessing that even though the people I ‘expected’ to be there for me weren’t, God provided unexpected people to care for me.
I am still working through my emotions. I am not quite as angry, and I am slowly realizing that as much as Vaginismus and having a miscarriage are truly traumatizing and awful- the only thing that makes it worth it is knowing that I can help someone else who has endured the same awful nightmare. I think of the verse in 2 Corinthians “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” With that being said if you are personally struggling with Vaginismus, or the aftermath of a miscarriage, feel free to visit my personal blog at http://waitingwamplers.wordpress.com. My contact information is there and I’d love to talk with you.
All of the above is to say, my husband and I have endured trials and we don’t understand the reason why- but even when I don’t believe it, I have to choose to say and believe that God is still good and He is still God. It’s okay to get angry, it’s okay to question Him- but at the end of the day I must trust Him and realize I cannot change that these things happened to me. I must move forward, as difficult as it is- and simply trust.
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Mother's Day & Vacation
This week I have the pleasure of going on vacation for the first time (at least in my adult life) to the mountains in NC!! We plan on hiking through the Smoky Mountains National Park, visiting the Biltmore Estate, and getting lots of relax time!
We had originally planned this vacation for late April, but a w days after our loss, James came Into e room with the sweetest idea! "Why don't we wait and take our vacation over Mother's day weekend so you don't have to be at church?" Have I mentioned how much I love this man??
5 months into our TTC experience, Mother's Day 2010 held so much hope, with not a tiny fragment of disappointment. It hadn't been that long, and many fertile couples try more than 5 months! A year and 5 months into our TTC experience, Mother's Day 2011 was very difficult. Our church does an evening conference on Sundays through May, called "Marriage in May" and on Mother's Day they gave away gift cards to the mothers with the oldest and youngest children. The youngest was less than a week old, the parents were barely legal (or at least they appeared this way to me; they couldn't have been more than 21), and had gotten pregnant just after they got married. Talk about a knife to the heart. I know they didn't take MY baby, but the knife was more that I didn't, and don't, understand why it's so easy for some people to get pregnant and SO difficult for others.
Mother's Day 2012. We have been TTC for almost 2 and a half years. It will be 2 months after I found out about my exciting pregnancy, and almost a month and a half after I found out about our loss. I believe that I definitely fit into the category of "mother", even though my child isn't in my arms. We will have a small celebration on Sunday, most likely a nice dinner. And most of all, I will rejoice that I was able to share the time I had with my sweet Gabriel, and celebrate that he won't suffer the pain of this life.
I have tomorrow's post set to auto-post, but after that I won't be posting until the next Wednesday. It's time for some R&R with my husband and the father of my child.
We had originally planned this vacation for late April, but a w days after our loss, James came Into e room with the sweetest idea! "Why don't we wait and take our vacation over Mother's day weekend so you don't have to be at church?" Have I mentioned how much I love this man??
5 months into our TTC experience, Mother's Day 2010 held so much hope, with not a tiny fragment of disappointment. It hadn't been that long, and many fertile couples try more than 5 months! A year and 5 months into our TTC experience, Mother's Day 2011 was very difficult. Our church does an evening conference on Sundays through May, called "Marriage in May" and on Mother's Day they gave away gift cards to the mothers with the oldest and youngest children. The youngest was less than a week old, the parents were barely legal (or at least they appeared this way to me; they couldn't have been more than 21), and had gotten pregnant just after they got married. Talk about a knife to the heart. I know they didn't take MY baby, but the knife was more that I didn't, and don't, understand why it's so easy for some people to get pregnant and SO difficult for others.
Mother's Day 2012. We have been TTC for almost 2 and a half years. It will be 2 months after I found out about my exciting pregnancy, and almost a month and a half after I found out about our loss. I believe that I definitely fit into the category of "mother", even though my child isn't in my arms. We will have a small celebration on Sunday, most likely a nice dinner. And most of all, I will rejoice that I was able to share the time I had with my sweet Gabriel, and celebrate that he won't suffer the pain of this life.
I have tomorrow's post set to auto-post, but after that I won't be posting until the next Wednesday. It's time for some R&R with my husband and the father of my child.
Friday, May 4, 2012
Friends & Family Friday
Understanding the difference between "fixing" & "listening." I'll warn you, I ended up ranting a little in this post!!
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After a few discussions with some other ladies I know, as well as with my husband, I came to a realization. We don't want you to try and justify or "fix" our situation. Plain and simple. What do I mean by that? Here are a few examples of "fixing" statements.
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"There was obviously something wrong with the baby. You wouldn't want a sick baby, would you?"
First off, there are more things wrong with this statement than trying to "fix" the situation by offering a reason for the loss. It's very very insensitive. I would definitely want a sick baby if it's what God had in store for me. As much as I would be pained to see my child suffer - call me selfish - I'd be able to hold my child, watch him breathe, touch his skin, & see his heart beat. So the fact is now that you have added to my pain by reminding me of what I could be missing out on. When people try to "fix" things, 9 times out of 10 (maybe even more often than that) people end up making things worse.
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"At least you weren't further along."
What people don't seem to understand is that for a couple to have a positive pregnancy test, ESPECIALLY those who have been TTC for a long time, or struggling with IF, there is a deeply seeded emotional attachment from the moment that line turns the faintest bit pink. It doesn't matter if it is a chemical pregnancy (one that is miscarried before a sac has formed), or if it was an infant loss. There is a bond between mother and child. Yes, I know the pain would be even greater if I had been further along, but whatever you do, DON'T diminish my pain, because it's one of the worst emotional pains that a woman deals with in her entire life. No woman should have to mourn the loss of her child.
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Now I'll take a step back from my loss soapbox and look at it from your perspectives. Yes, I can see how you could have the best intentions, and we really appreciate that you want to help. However, I wish you'd step into our shoes, as much as you can, and imagine how that might sound being said to you. Unfortunately, when people try to "fix" things, it makes things worse. We don't want to be fixed right now. We want to mourn the loss of our children in our time. Yes, some people will suffer from great depression, but the best person to help them fix their situation, is them. Take me as an example. I am currently seeking out a therapist for this help. I am going to have the help of someone who is trained in this area, and loves my Jesus. THIS is the person I have chosen to help me "fix" where I am. If I want your help with fixing things, I'll blatantly tell you, no guesswork is needed. :)
For the rest of you, I would just plead with you to listen and express your deepest condolences. There is no greater gift to us than a listening ear and someone to acknowledge the loss of our little ones.
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After a few discussions with some other ladies I know, as well as with my husband, I came to a realization. We don't want you to try and justify or "fix" our situation. Plain and simple. What do I mean by that? Here are a few examples of "fixing" statements.
------------
"There was obviously something wrong with the baby. You wouldn't want a sick baby, would you?"
First off, there are more things wrong with this statement than trying to "fix" the situation by offering a reason for the loss. It's very very insensitive. I would definitely want a sick baby if it's what God had in store for me. As much as I would be pained to see my child suffer - call me selfish - I'd be able to hold my child, watch him breathe, touch his skin, & see his heart beat. So the fact is now that you have added to my pain by reminding me of what I could be missing out on. When people try to "fix" things, 9 times out of 10 (maybe even more often than that) people end up making things worse.
------------
"At least you weren't further along."
What people don't seem to understand is that for a couple to have a positive pregnancy test, ESPECIALLY those who have been TTC for a long time, or struggling with IF, there is a deeply seeded emotional attachment from the moment that line turns the faintest bit pink. It doesn't matter if it is a chemical pregnancy (one that is miscarried before a sac has formed), or if it was an infant loss. There is a bond between mother and child. Yes, I know the pain would be even greater if I had been further along, but whatever you do, DON'T diminish my pain, because it's one of the worst emotional pains that a woman deals with in her entire life. No woman should have to mourn the loss of her child.
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Now I'll take a step back from my loss soapbox and look at it from your perspectives. Yes, I can see how you could have the best intentions, and we really appreciate that you want to help. However, I wish you'd step into our shoes, as much as you can, and imagine how that might sound being said to you. Unfortunately, when people try to "fix" things, it makes things worse. We don't want to be fixed right now. We want to mourn the loss of our children in our time. Yes, some people will suffer from great depression, but the best person to help them fix their situation, is them. Take me as an example. I am currently seeking out a therapist for this help. I am going to have the help of someone who is trained in this area, and loves my Jesus. THIS is the person I have chosen to help me "fix" where I am. If I want your help with fixing things, I'll blatantly tell you, no guesswork is needed. :)
For the rest of you, I would just plead with you to listen and express your deepest condolences. There is no greater gift to us than a listening ear and someone to acknowledge the loss of our little ones.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
A Great Day!!
Today was an absolutely fabulous day!! I got to spend great quality time with my new youth pastor's 8 year old daughter, and then had a great few hours with his wife and 14 year old son! Talk about a fun family!!
I had a realization today as Tammy (the mom) kept saying over and over, "Thank you so much for watching A**!!" that what helped her was also helping me! I got to send time with a wild child, who was VERY much like myself at 8! It was probably more of a blessing to me than it was to Tammy! I love seeing life through such young eyes, where every little thing is a huge treat! Going to a playground, wandering around Target, getting frozen yogurt, and even eating lunch! Who knew life could be so awesome every day?!
Today also made me think about how much it means when people invest in our lives. When we were hanging out, A seemed to hang on my every word, and when I was talking to her mom about maybe helping with math for homeschooling, she yelled from the other end of the house, "PLEASE come help with homeschool!!!" I also remember whenever I was her age and my sister's friends would pay attention to me! It was one of the best feelings ever! So I keep inn mind that she might enjoy my company as much as I enjoy hers. I think we might need to make Sarah & A dates a regular thing!!!!
I wanted to share a quick side note before I sign off. I had a fantastic guest post lined up for yesterday, but the day got away from me!! Look for it next Wednesday!!!
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** - Since my blog is being shared widely on the internet, I will be keeping children's names anonymous for their family's privacy.
I had a realization today as Tammy (the mom) kept saying over and over, "Thank you so much for watching A**!!" that what helped her was also helping me! I got to send time with a wild child, who was VERY much like myself at 8! It was probably more of a blessing to me than it was to Tammy! I love seeing life through such young eyes, where every little thing is a huge treat! Going to a playground, wandering around Target, getting frozen yogurt, and even eating lunch! Who knew life could be so awesome every day?!
Today also made me think about how much it means when people invest in our lives. When we were hanging out, A seemed to hang on my every word, and when I was talking to her mom about maybe helping with math for homeschooling, she yelled from the other end of the house, "PLEASE come help with homeschool!!!" I also remember whenever I was her age and my sister's friends would pay attention to me! It was one of the best feelings ever! So I keep inn mind that she might enjoy my company as much as I enjoy hers. I think we might need to make Sarah & A dates a regular thing!!!!
I wanted to share a quick side note before I sign off. I had a fantastic guest post lined up for yesterday, but the day got away from me!! Look for it next Wednesday!!!
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** - Since my blog is being shared widely on the internet, I will be keeping children's names anonymous for their family's privacy.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
An Update: The Mundane & The Difficult
It has been 4 weeks... 4 weeks since I got the worst news I've had in my life...
So this means that now I am looking for a job! What am I going to do? Well, I am great doing receptionist and administrative assistant work, and a few opportunities are currently available, so I'm waiting to see where God wants me!
Just a side note to my friends. Please don't be offended if I don't open up to you. Talking about how I'm feeling is VERY difficult (it's all I can do to blog!) right now, so please have some grace with me and know its just my current emotions talking. And some times are harder than others (evening is more difficult for me, usually), but I might surprise you and be very open and candid. Just be ready for whatever! Hahaha!
So there you have it! I'm being candid, which is VERY difficult for me right now, but I wanted to keep up the purpose of this blog. I intended it for a way to share my raw feelings (well, somewhat raw), so that no woman struggling after a loss needs to feel alone in her journey!!! Please share my blog with anyone you think may benefit from it!
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If you'd like to share your story of pregnancy loss or infant loss on my blog, please contact me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information!!
The Mundane:
Well, I've decided to take a step back from photography. Not only is my market completely over-saturated with photographers (great ones and not-so-great ones), but I've been having a hard time getting a leg up in the industry. I feel as if God is trying to tell me to ale a break, that the business will flourish in its time.So this means that now I am looking for a job! What am I going to do? Well, I am great doing receptionist and administrative assistant work, and a few opportunities are currently available, so I'm waiting to see where God wants me!
The Difficult:
After a lot of consideration, I have decided to seek out a therapist. Keeping our private life private, I'll just say that I'm having issues communicating what's emotionally going on wth me right now, not only to others but also to myself. I know it sounds strange, but I'm not even sure what I'm feeling, and when I do know, I don't know WHY I feel that way. After talking this through with James (who is being amazingly gracious and supportive right now!!), we both agreed it would be great for me.Just a side note to my friends. Please don't be offended if I don't open up to you. Talking about how I'm feeling is VERY difficult (it's all I can do to blog!) right now, so please have some grace with me and know its just my current emotions talking. And some times are harder than others (evening is more difficult for me, usually), but I might surprise you and be very open and candid. Just be ready for whatever! Hahaha!
So there you have it! I'm being candid, which is VERY difficult for me right now, but I wanted to keep up the purpose of this blog. I intended it for a way to share my raw feelings (well, somewhat raw), so that no woman struggling after a loss needs to feel alone in her journey!!! Please share my blog with anyone you think may benefit from it!
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If you'd like to share your story of pregnancy loss or infant loss on my blog, please contact me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information!!
Friday, April 27, 2012
Friends & Family Friday!
I've already talked about some things that are very difficult for a woman who just lost her child to hear. Today I'm going to mention a few things that mean the world to us!!!
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I polled some women in my support group to ask them what things helped. The most powerful response I received was told to a woman after her loss of identical twins. Her aunt had a stillborn child, as well as the tragic death of her 6 year old son 12 years later. Her aunt said this:
Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood. Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways. Thank you for sharing them with us. Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift! You will never forget and neither will I. Know that I hurt for you and with you. I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.
Wow. Just, wow. What powerful words!!! Not only is she acknowledging the loss, but she's also clearly stating "You are a mother!" Some women who have losses never think of themselves as mothers, even tough that's what they are. She notes that she will also never forget those babies either. What a gift to have someone who loves our babies too!! She also shares the hurt. Now, for those of you who haven't had a loss, you can still hurt with us. You may never know the pain, but to have another grieving with us makes it that much easier to carry.
Finally, if you haven't had a loss, I want to thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope it helps you interact with me, if you're a friend of mine, or if you are a stranger, I hope it helps you live a more sensitive life, being aware that someone sitting next to you might be dealing with the same pain and turmoil that I am. I pray none of you ever have to experience this pain first hand!
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I polled some women in my support group to ask them what things helped. The most powerful response I received was told to a woman after her loss of identical twins. Her aunt had a stillborn child, as well as the tragic death of her 6 year old son 12 years later. Her aunt said this:
Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood. Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways. Thank you for sharing them with us. Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift! You will never forget and neither will I. Know that I hurt for you and with you. I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.
Wow. Just, wow. What powerful words!!! Not only is she acknowledging the loss, but she's also clearly stating "You are a mother!" Some women who have losses never think of themselves as mothers, even tough that's what they are. She notes that she will also never forget those babies either. What a gift to have someone who loves our babies too!! She also shares the hurt. Now, for those of you who haven't had a loss, you can still hurt with us. You may never know the pain, but to have another grieving with us makes it that much easier to carry.
Finally, if you haven't had a loss, I want to thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope it helps you interact with me, if you're a friend of mine, or if you are a stranger, I hope it helps you live a more sensitive life, being aware that someone sitting next to you might be dealing with the same pain and turmoil that I am. I pray none of you ever have to experience this pain first hand!
Distractions...
This was written late last night:
Tonight I was on my computer, and I had the desire to go online and "browser shop" (the web version of window shopping) and I realized there was nothing I wanted. Nothing I wanted to save up for, no purchase goals in the foreseeable future, not even the next and best camera! Now let me tell you, this has NEVER happened to me before.
So as I sat here, I decided I'd get to work on the memorial shadow box I'm creating in Gabriel's honor. I've been shopping for the perfect digital scrapbook paper for over an hour. I have been listening to music by a country artist I recently found and these lyrics came up in a song:
"Had this picture in my mind, where we would be in time. But sometimes plans don't go your way. Feels so hard to break away from you. Why'd it have to end this way? Lord I wish that you could stay. And there's still so much I need from you."
At this point I stopped shopping when I felt my heart cinch tight. All of this shopping...this daily life of distractions...it's all there to keep me from feeling this pain. To distract me from what's really going on.
Do I know how to deal with this grief? Clearly not. It is by far the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Tonight I was on my computer, and I had the desire to go online and "browser shop" (the web version of window shopping) and I realized there was nothing I wanted. Nothing I wanted to save up for, no purchase goals in the foreseeable future, not even the next and best camera! Now let me tell you, this has NEVER happened to me before.
So as I sat here, I decided I'd get to work on the memorial shadow box I'm creating in Gabriel's honor. I've been shopping for the perfect digital scrapbook paper for over an hour. I have been listening to music by a country artist I recently found and these lyrics came up in a song:
"Had this picture in my mind, where we would be in time. But sometimes plans don't go your way. Feels so hard to break away from you. Why'd it have to end this way? Lord I wish that you could stay. And there's still so much I need from you."
At this point I stopped shopping when I felt my heart cinch tight. All of this shopping...this daily life of distractions...it's all there to keep me from feeling this pain. To distract me from what's really going on.
Do I know how to deal with this grief? Clearly not. It is by far the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Guest Post: The long road to a Rainbow Baby...
Today's post was written by a great friend of mine that I have known for almost 2 years. She was one of the first people that I saw get pregnant during my time TTC that I was over the moon happy for, because I knew her story. For those of you who don't know, a rainbow baby is a take-home baby (that survives pregnancy) that comes after a stormy time, like infertility or a loss.
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I am 1 in 4.
I am the face of the silent 1 in 4.
I have been in silent grief for almost 3.5 years.
Before I go any further, know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful & healthy almost 8 month old daughter. I am unbelievably lucky. While I have a wonderful & healthy little girl to snuggle with every day... daily I also grieve the loss of my first sweet child.
Immediately I wanted to know WHY. Why me? Why my baby? Why. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? That night while curled up in a ball & sobbing on the bed in the dark I remembered something that happened 4 days before I got the + I had been dreaming of. We had gone to a neighbor friend’s house to hang out. DH had a couple beers & I had 2 glasses of Moscato, my favorite wine. I unknowingly had alcohol while pregnant. In my head that was my why.
I’ve read & have been told all the medical facts on how it was too early for the alcohol to have affected the baby but it doesn’t matter. Don’t bother telling me the alcohol didn’t cause it. What matters to me is that my little one trusted me from day 1 of formation & I betrayed that trust.
I went back to the dr early the next week to get checked out. I had wanted so badly for things to happen “naturally” & without medical intervention but there wasn’t any sign of that happening. I was given the option of trying medication before a D&C so I chose to do that. I thought the medicine would make it less traumatic. I was so naive. That night I crawled in agony into the bathroom, unable to walk due to the cramping, where I stayed for a few hours. Without going into all the gory details will just say that I saw my baby and it is an image that will be forever embedded in my mind. The medication route was not as “less traumatic” as I had hoped it might be.
Having missed a few days of work I went back into the office at the end of that week & immediately ran into a co-worker who said “hey where have you been?” I responded “oh just needed to take a few days off.” He responded “good for you. Did you have a good vacation away from here?” Holding back tears I mumbled that it wasn’t a vacation, I had a miscarriage, & walked off while he stood in silence.
Quickly realizing that nearly every time I shared my loss with someone I got misguided comments in return, I decided to be extremely selective on who I told in order to “protect” my relationship with that person. The comments weren’t meant to be harmful but each hit me with the force of a thousand stones...
"At least you weren’t that far along”
"Thank goodness you didn’t tell everyone you were pregnant. That would be so hard to deal with.”
“God must think it’s not your time yet to be a mother.”
“God knows best.”
When my Grandfather had a massive stroke 3 months after my miscarriage my boss said: “Can you imagine still being pregnant while dealing with this? Good thing you only have him to focus on right now.”
I beamed at the word “pregnant” on the stick but quickly my excitement was met with anxiety & fear. During the entire pregnancy I stepped into each doctor’s appointment with trepidation. I followed every rule & old wives tale there was. I was even afraid to jinx the pregnancy by filling out the pregnancy journal a friend gave me. I was hopeful & loved the baby that was growing inside me but my positive view of pregnancy had been distorted & I lived in fear that I would be crushed again.
All the fear & anxiety I had during the entire pregnancy melted away when she was placed in my husband’s arms & brought to my head so I could see her. She was here. She had made it safely into the world & into our arms. I could breathe again. I am blessed.
Despite all the “what ifs” I know that I have something that others dream of. I have been given the gift that not everyone gets. Because of my loss I realize just how precious my daughter’s life is & how vulnerable a pregnancy can be. I treasure my little girl & take time to snuggle with her every night. The pediatrician says we need to do sleep training... I say if she wants to be rocked to sleep or have an extra cuddle in the middle of the night, I will happily oblige without complaint. I know just how blessed I am. I appreciate the opportunity to cuddle her at night. Because I know what it’s like to lose a child, every little moment with my daughter is a big moment.
I still haven’t had a drop of alcohol since that glass of Moscato.
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If you would like to share your story on my blog, I would love to feature it! Please email me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information. You never know how many women your story might speak to!
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I am 1 in 4.
I am the face of the silent 1 in 4.
I have been in silent grief for almost 3.5 years.
Before I go any further, know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful & healthy almost 8 month old daughter. I am unbelievably lucky. While I have a wonderful & healthy little girl to snuggle with every day... daily I also grieve the loss of my first sweet child.
November 2008...
Carefree & happy we walked into the dr’s office on a Friday morning, excited to get to hear our little one’s heartbeat. About two hours later we walked out....crushed, devastated, heartbroken. The heartbeat we were looking so forward to hearing wasn’t there. With that one doctor’s visit I had lost my innocence & joy about pregnancy. I had experienced the dark side of pregnancy.Immediately I wanted to know WHY. Why me? Why my baby? Why. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? That night while curled up in a ball & sobbing on the bed in the dark I remembered something that happened 4 days before I got the + I had been dreaming of. We had gone to a neighbor friend’s house to hang out. DH had a couple beers & I had 2 glasses of Moscato, my favorite wine. I unknowingly had alcohol while pregnant. In my head that was my why.
I’ve read & have been told all the medical facts on how it was too early for the alcohol to have affected the baby but it doesn’t matter. Don’t bother telling me the alcohol didn’t cause it. What matters to me is that my little one trusted me from day 1 of formation & I betrayed that trust.
I went back to the dr early the next week to get checked out. I had wanted so badly for things to happen “naturally” & without medical intervention but there wasn’t any sign of that happening. I was given the option of trying medication before a D&C so I chose to do that. I thought the medicine would make it less traumatic. I was so naive. That night I crawled in agony into the bathroom, unable to walk due to the cramping, where I stayed for a few hours. Without going into all the gory details will just say that I saw my baby and it is an image that will be forever embedded in my mind. The medication route was not as “less traumatic” as I had hoped it might be.
Having missed a few days of work I went back into the office at the end of that week & immediately ran into a co-worker who said “hey where have you been?” I responded “oh just needed to take a few days off.” He responded “good for you. Did you have a good vacation away from here?” Holding back tears I mumbled that it wasn’t a vacation, I had a miscarriage, & walked off while he stood in silence.
Quickly realizing that nearly every time I shared my loss with someone I got misguided comments in return, I decided to be extremely selective on who I told in order to “protect” my relationship with that person. The comments weren’t meant to be harmful but each hit me with the force of a thousand stones...
"At least you weren’t that far along”
"Thank goodness you didn’t tell everyone you were pregnant. That would be so hard to deal with.”
“God must think it’s not your time yet to be a mother.”
“God knows best.”
When my Grandfather had a massive stroke 3 months after my miscarriage my boss said: “Can you imagine still being pregnant while dealing with this? Good thing you only have him to focus on right now.”
December 2010...
After nearly 2.5 years of trying to have a baby, I randomly woke up very early in the morning & knew I was pregnant. Wide awake I went to the bathroom & took a test - positive!I beamed at the word “pregnant” on the stick but quickly my excitement was met with anxiety & fear. During the entire pregnancy I stepped into each doctor’s appointment with trepidation. I followed every rule & old wives tale there was. I was even afraid to jinx the pregnancy by filling out the pregnancy journal a friend gave me. I was hopeful & loved the baby that was growing inside me but my positive view of pregnancy had been distorted & I lived in fear that I would be crushed again.
August 2011...
I delivered my beautiful little girl. The weeks leading up to the birth were scary...cervix issue, pre-term labor, & pre-eclampsia landed me on bedrest until my dr decided it was time to get the baby out. I was admitted to the hospital for my induction on Wednesday night and endured 2 days of back labor. Friday night I was finally ready to push. Then with every push the baby’s heart rate dropped. Knowing that I really wanted to avoid a c-section the doctor tried the vacuum twice but it was unsuccessful. I was rushed to an emergency c-section. My husband got scrubbed up & in the operating room just as our little girl was born.All the fear & anxiety I had during the entire pregnancy melted away when she was placed in my husband’s arms & brought to my head so I could see her. She was here. She had made it safely into the world & into our arms. I could breathe again. I am blessed.
Today...
I have a wonderful daughter. I couldn’t ask for a better baby. I still wonder about the “what ifs.” What if I had been healthier when I got pregnant? What if I didn’t have that wine? What if the heartbeat was missed, were they 1000000% sure? What if my daughter one day asks me or finds out about her lost sibling, how will I respond?? If that baby had lived, would I have my daughter today? What if I had been a better Christian, wife, human? What if?Despite all the “what ifs” I know that I have something that others dream of. I have been given the gift that not everyone gets. Because of my loss I realize just how precious my daughter’s life is & how vulnerable a pregnancy can be. I treasure my little girl & take time to snuggle with her every night. The pediatrician says we need to do sleep training... I say if she wants to be rocked to sleep or have an extra cuddle in the middle of the night, I will happily oblige without complaint. I know just how blessed I am. I appreciate the opportunity to cuddle her at night. Because I know what it’s like to lose a child, every little moment with my daughter is a big moment.
I still haven’t had a drop of alcohol since that glass of Moscato.
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If you would like to share your story on my blog, I would love to feature it! Please email me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information. You never know how many women your story might speak to!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Vulnerability
When you're having a down day and someone asks you how you're doing, do you respond with "I'm good!" or do you take a moment, think about how you are, and answer truthfully "I'm not doing so great."
Too many times in my life I've felt, and given in to, the temptation to just brush off how I'm feeling for a variety of reasons. I'm too busy. They don't really want to know. It will take too long to explain. It's none of their business. They'll pity me. They'll go gossip about me.
Vulnerability in our culture is seen as a sign of weakness. Unfortunately this is so far from the truth. I view vulnerable people as the most honest, because they're willing to admit when not everything in their life is going according to the "great American plan."
I have been learning in the past few weeks to be vulnerable with people. Yes, there are inappropriate times to tell the entire context of why you're having a bad day/week/year. However, I want you to respect yourself and when people ask how you're doing, be real. You might be shocked at how understanding people are!
If you don't want to tell someone your whole story, do what I do. If they ask why you're not doing great, just say "I have just been going through a lot of stuff in my life right now." and you'll be surprised how many people won't nose further! I really hope you'll all step forward and when someone asks you how you're doing, you take a moment and really answer them truthfully!! No one is doing perfect everyday!!!!!
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If you haven't shared your story of pregnancy loss or infant loss on my blog yet and you'd like to, please send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com so we can reach more people through our varied trials!
Too many times in my life I've felt, and given in to, the temptation to just brush off how I'm feeling for a variety of reasons. I'm too busy. They don't really want to know. It will take too long to explain. It's none of their business. They'll pity me. They'll go gossip about me.
Vulnerability in our culture is seen as a sign of weakness. Unfortunately this is so far from the truth. I view vulnerable people as the most honest, because they're willing to admit when not everything in their life is going according to the "great American plan."
I have been learning in the past few weeks to be vulnerable with people. Yes, there are inappropriate times to tell the entire context of why you're having a bad day/week/year. However, I want you to respect yourself and when people ask how you're doing, be real. You might be shocked at how understanding people are!
If you don't want to tell someone your whole story, do what I do. If they ask why you're not doing great, just say "I have just been going through a lot of stuff in my life right now." and you'll be surprised how many people won't nose further! I really hope you'll all step forward and when someone asks you how you're doing, you take a moment and really answer them truthfully!! No one is doing perfect everyday!!!!!
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If you haven't shared your story of pregnancy loss or infant loss on my blog yet and you'd like to, please send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com so we can reach more people through our varied trials!
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