The end of my Rainbow...

On a day when our nation saw so much tragedy as 20 innocent little children and 6 brave adults were tragically shot, I experienced my own form of tragedy. But let me back up for a moment to give you the whole story.

The Tuesday after Thanksgiving, I found out I was finally pregnant again! After 3 years spent trying to get pregnant and to REMAIN pregnant, I was pregnant with my little rainbow. I had a hunch for the past few months that it wasn't far off, and that it would be a girl. One night in bed, James confessed he thought it was going to be a girl, not knowing my thoughts! My mother even expressed the same thing!!

After a small bout with spotting and a low progesterone number, I quickly got on a progesterone supplement and all was well! My numbers looked great, the spotting stopped, and we had an ultrasound scheduled for the next week, when I should have been 6 weeks along. I felt different this time. I felt like God was giving me this one for keeps! It was amazing to be pregnant after a loss without fear! More like a MIRACLE! I knew how big my God was, and that's all that mattered! :)

Our ultrasound went well, although the baby was measuring a little behind at only 5w2d, but this didn't concern me. Why? Because my God is so big, so strong, and so mighty! After my ultrasound I started having some spotting, which is COMPLETELY normal. I spoke with a nurse and was given all the scenarios of when to call for help or when to not worry at all. I handled it like a champ! Somehow I wasn't freaking out!

Until the next night at dinner, when there were some microscopic clots (this is a red flag). Then there was one that was slightly bigger. When I got home, the spotting turned into a flow. Commence my entire body shivering with nerves. I spoke with the doctor on call, and she told me what I already knew. I could go to the ER, but it wasn't entirely necessary because none of my symptoms were putting my life at risk, and there wasn't anything they could do to stop a miscarriage. I laid in bed, completely numb, and after another trip to the bathroom, my worst nightmare was confirmed. Another very large clot. Just like last time.

How do I go on? How do I continue my journey for children? Is my body defective? How do I risk more heartache? I know I'm meant to have children, but is this REALLY how God wants to prepare me?

My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
My God is so big, so strong, and so mighty.
And I am so weak.

All I want is my sweet Gabriel and my sweet Magdalena Rose. Is that so much to ask? Oh God, my God, why do I feel like you have forsaken me???


Yet somehow, in the midst of all of this pain and heartache, there is this quiet, lingering sense of peace.

Pain, Grief, & Joy

What is pain?

Is pain the presence of something that hurts us, or could it be the absence of joy?

I believe the latter, and I'll explain why. In my life, I have experienced much pain. However, I believe that pain is different from grief. Grief comes from losing something, or someone, that brought joy to our lives, like my Gabriel. I grieve that I won't be meeting him in 2.5 weeks like I should be. I should have been a giant pumpkin for our church's festival, but instead I didn't have a big belly to decorate. I grieve that I won't be able to celebrate is first words, his first steps, first day of school, and every other first, second, and third in his life. 

Despite my grief, I have joy. I rejoice that he won't be experiencing the pain of this world. He won't endure the mudslinging of politics, the heartbreak from women, and the all important divide between him and his Savior. He got to skip straight to home plate!!

To me, if I didn't have those things to rejoice in, I would be enduring pain. Instead, I CHOOSE to have joy, despite my sorrow, and know that the Maker who made me is the same one who made my son. He is also the same Maker who sacrificed His own only son to save this wretched world. Who better knows my heart than a Father who grieved the loss of His son?!

So when someone asks me if I'm in pain over the loss of my child, I say no, because I believe with my whole heart that pain is the absence of joy, and I take joy in the circumstances God gives me, whether I like them or not!

In what do you delight?

Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Ok, great! So all I have to do then is to delight in the Lord and then I can have my rainbow baby? Well, it's not quite that simple... This is something that has been woven through my life, quite often, in the past few years.

First let's look at what it means to "delight" in the Lord. The word delight, as it is here in verb form, means to "take great pleasure." In context that means that we take great pleasure in the Lord! Sounds easy enough, right? When you're taking great pleasure in the Lord, you're involved in His word, and your heart follows His.

So now the concept of receiving the desires of your heart. As I just said, when we delight in the Lord, our hearts are intertwined with what HIS heart is for. His desires are for a world redeemed, for all to know Him and love Him. So when our hearts are intertwined with His, the desires of our hearts become a desire for His will to be done! What a bittersweet concept. There's no promise that women can conceive children if they would just delight in the Lord. There's no guarantee that if you just delight in the Lord, you'll get enough money to be able to buy that nice, new house. What IS guaranteed, is that your heart will be so overwhelmed with His desires for you that you will be content in whatever circumstances you find yourself in, because that's where His will is.

What a tough concept to stick to. I'll leave you with this question. What do you dwell on? What do you spend your free time doing? Do you delight in facebook? Do you delight in Pinterest? Do you delight in charting your temperature and obsessing over your chart as you TTC impatiently for that elusive rainbow baby? Or do you take a step back from all of that and focus on the One who truly matters, when all else will eventually fade away and He is all that will remain?

I definitely put myself in the midst of that. I take some delight from facebook, Pinterest, TTC, as well as some from the Lord. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. But I have my moments of contentment. One of these was today, and hopefully it produced a reminder every day that I see it. Our church is very fortunate to have an extremely talented artist, by the name of Sereen Gualtieri. She paints acrylics on reclaimed wood as a form of worship. I was drawn to a few of her paintings that she was selling this morning (all of the money goes to a project to save enslaved children in India) and I saw the scripture she had for this painting: "Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4. That struck such a note with me that I was intrigued. Then as I was debating buying it, she mentioned that my outfit actually matched the woman in the painting: white shirt, colored skirt, and curly hair (which she doesn't often do).

So, taking a step of faith that the Lord had a purpose for this painting in my life, I bought it! And oddly enough, it wasn't listed online with all of the others. I can only wonder what God wants to use this painting for in my life, but even if it's just a constant reminder to delight in Him, it was well worth it.

Time for an update!

So it's been a little bit since I've posted about my life, and people keep asking me what I'm up to, so here we go!

As most of you know, in the Fall of last year I started a professional photography business which combined my love for photography with my love for people! As time went on I realized how tough my market is, not because photography is a luxury that many people don't buy, but because there are so many photographers in my area, whether quality artists or not, that charge FAR less than they should. There are certain costs that come with running a business, and their time is more valuable than they realize. I, however, know how much my time is worth, and unfortunately it is very difficult to break into a market of under-chargers when you're in one of the higher tiers of the market.

All of that is to say that I feel like God's telling me that the door is closed on my business for now, but that I will be able to pick it back up later. So where does that leave me now? Looking for work!! I can't sit at home not doing anything, so I'm moving back towards the professional workplace, looking for work in the administrative field. I had an interview this morning and it went really well, so I'm looking forward to hearing back from them! Unfortunately, I'm a very people-person and that doesn't come across in our "online application" age, so the other few applications that I have turned in haven't returned any prospects yet.

I have been making progress in the grief department, as well. Saturday was the first baby shower that I have been invited to since our loss, and the mom-to-be has been so very supportive and compassionate since our loss, so I felt like I owed it to her. Also, if I needed to leave, she would completely understand. I actually made it through the entire shower without shedding a single tear! For the most part I was fairly comfortable, due to some other friends being there. During the gift-unwrapping I had a hard moment, as no one was talking anymore (therefore my distraction was gone) and everyone decided to "ooh" and "aah" over the swaddling gift. There were flashes before my eyes of me holding a swaddling blanket with no baby to swaddle. I'll never have that opportunity with Gabriel. I won't have a shower to celebrate his life, just a blog to mourn his loss. I decided to get up and go to the bathroom to clear my head, and after coming back the conversation had resumed, so I was ok again.

So there's the long and the short of what's going on in my life! Learning to celebrate with other people and not making it all about me, and looking for a job!

A Balancing Act

      So, hypothetically speaking, you're in a community of women, some of which happen to be dealing with infertility and loss. It gives you a special bond in your TTTC (trouble trying to conceive) journeys. So what happens when one of those women, after going through heartache dealing with infertility, is pregnant with a miracle baby and announces just after you find out your pregnant too? Why, you rejoice with her! Now, what happens when you lose your little love, and a few months later that she has the exact same due date as you? Well obviously, you'll probably cry first. But then what? Where is that balance of joy for her triumph over infertility, and sorrow as you witness the milestones that you should be having?

      Ok, confession. I'm not speaking of a hypothetical situation, but I'm pretty sure you've all gathered as much. And in case you end up reading this, L, I am very very happy for your rainbow baby and wish you the best second and third trimesters with your sweet little olive and that you're able to enjoy every moment of pregnancy!

      So for the rest of you. This has been a very weird situation for me, because she hasn't been the typical "Omg I'm pregnant!" or "I felt the baby kick today!" type of poster, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with her sensitivity to others struggles because of where she has been. But what about those more common people, who may not have struggled for their baby, and post things all.day.long about how horrible they feel, how ready they are to just have the baby OUT already, or any other number of complaints related to the pregnancy? How do you handle that? How do you handle posts where women talk about every single teeny-tiny craving, about how they're going on a trip "before my life is over", or about how other women should be grateful they're not pregnant for [insert any number of things here] reasons? 

      Obviously I've seen a lot of this lately, and seen post after post on my loss support group about such things. **News flash** it's hard for women who have had a loss or struggle with infertility to be friends with these types of people! Fortunately Facebook has this little feature where you can unsubscribe from posts from particular people, but does this really solve the issue? Yes, it helps, but I think a lot of the problem is perspective. We see women not being grateful, and yes, people should be sensitive to other people's pain, but if you haven't struggled for something, do you appreciate it as much? Are we expecting too much from these naive women who just haven't known any other way of life?

      It's a strange concept, knowing we should be happy for someone, but being so frustrated at their lack of gratitude for their situation. I think we just have to get to a point where we wish them health in their pregnancy and then cease communication. If it's a close friend you should probably explain the issue, justso they know you're not mad at them. Some pregnant women are easier for me to be around strictly because they know what I've been through and have a very compassionate nature. These women are the kind that understand why you're not jumpig up and down with joy at their every milestone, and don't think any less of you. Yes, there will be those selfish women that just get mad at us for not fawning over them, but that's what I call a toxic situation. Sometimes they can't be helped because they're family members, but I'm hoping that the more women who have experienced a loss start speaking up, the more aware the general population will be about the proper etiquette for interacting with us.

      So for this balancing act, don't feel bad for not jumping up and down for joy, but find it somewhere within your heart to wish them the best in their journey, because you know what the pain of loss feels like, and none of us would wish that on our worst enemy. Whether they understand why you don't fawn them or not, you have found some balance in this crazy after-a-loss life.

Why?

God, why would you do this to me? Why do teenagers get pregnant and have babies, and I'm sitting here mourning the loss of mine? We have a wonderful marriage, a home that we own, my husband has a fantastic job, and yet we still don't have a child. Why? The response I keep getting:

 "Who are you to question my sovereign will?"

Well I guess I can end this post there. That's a very definitive statement. Unfortunately, that answer brings up many more questions in our human minds. "What did I do to cause you to punish me this way?" A very wise person told me that what we sometimes perceive things as punishment when they're meant for our protection. {none of these following examples have any factual basis, they are merely to emphasize my point}

You were rejected by the cute surfer in your first semester Economics class. You lost the championship soccer game your senior year of high school, and with it your future career.  You broke your foot two days before your senior prom and had to miss it. That guy who rejected you in college? You see him on the news years later in jail for beating his girlfriend. You may be single still, but it's far better than that alternative. God protected you!  If you had won that soccer game you would have skipped past college, and never would have met that woman that was struggling with depression and just needed a friend. If you hadn't broken your foot before the prom you might never have gone to med school. 

Now here's my disclaimer. These situations could be true of some of you, but that doesn't mean that you'll be able to see those moments as positive defining moments in your life. When I looked back to that little girl sitting alone on the rug in her room, just wanting to spend time with her sister's friends, I just saw a sad little girl. What I didn't see, but see now, is that I being strengthened and prepared to relate to my high school students as they deal with the same sort of "alone" feelings. This didn't come to me spontaneously, this came from several sessions with my therapist and I praying that God would reveal the moments of hurt in my past and redeem them; to show me where He was working in my life when I didn't see it.

I have to keep reminding myself that God has only the best in store for me in the end, and that I may not understand the "why" but I have to trust that He will be there with me and will make me stronger in the process. I'll leave you with this poem by Mary Stevenson (if you've read it before, appease me and read it again keeping this whole post in mind):

One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints,
other times there were one set of footprints.

This bothered me because I noticed
that during the low periods of my life,
when I was suffering from
anguish, sorrow or defeat,
I could see only one set of footprints.

So I said to the Lord,
"You promised me Lord,
That if I followed you,
you would walk with me always.
But I have noticed that during
the most trying periods of my life
there have only been one
set of footprints in the sand.
Why, when I needed you most,
you have not been there for me?"

The Lord replied,
"The times when you have
seen only one set of footprints,
is when I carried you."

To Hope vs. To Wait

      Today I’m going to go in a slightly more theological direction, but it will be great (and probably very wordy, as my friend Amy puts it), so try and keep up with my ramblings! Yesterday I was in my therapy session talking about being hopeful for the future, and she dropped an awesome knowledge bomb on me! In many languages the words “hope” and “wait” have only one word. For example, to say either of these words in Spanish, you use the word “esperar”. Are you following?

      So I decided to dig a little (ok, a lot) deeper. She mentioned that it’s the same in Hebrew, and since I like to verify facts before I write them, I spent a while using Dr. Google. It was hard at first, not knowing how to read Hebrew, but I gradually got a stride and got some work done, and what I found was awesome! But let’s pause for a second (or a couple of paragraphs) so I can talk about why I was so blown away by this fact.

      When I hear the word “hope” I think of the glass being half full. When I hope for my next pregnancy each month, I am waiting expectantly and eagerly for that positive test. I am living day to day in an eager anticipation for what I have confidence will come. Why do I have this confidence? Well, that’s a whole other story, but I’ll keep it brief. I know that the Lord planted a desire in my heart to have children from a young age, and whether I have one of my own body or adopt one that He sends to me, I know I will be a mother. So I continue about my life, but I also am patient for the Lord to work in His timing.

      When I hear the word “wait” I can only think of impatience. Our modern culture, especially in America, is very NOW minded. We want what we want, when we want it. Let me repeat that. We want WHAT we want, WHEN we want it. There is a reason it is so hard to get the latest iPhone or iPad, and that’s because EVERYONE who wants one is in line to buy one. Our nation is so “me” oriented that we can’t stop and see how demanding and childish we’re being. I can’t tell you how many clips I’ve seen of Black Friday stampedes. Are we that desperate to get the things that we want that we’d be willing to trample people?? What a glass-half-empty lifestyle, always wanting something else, never being content.

      Here’s a verse I read today: “And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.” (Psalm 39:7). The first word, “wait” is from the Hebrew “Qavah” which means “to hope, wait, and expect” and “to wait eagerly for”. That sounds like hope to me! The second word, “hope” is from a Hebrew word whose root is “Yachal”, which also means “to wait, hope, expect.” So I found it QUITE intriguing that there are two Hebrew root words that mean the exact same thing: to look forward to something eagerly. However, I also found a common theme among many analysts and bloggers online. Another meaning of the word Qavah is “to bind together like a twisted rope”, and it binds together patience and hope. Waiting is a twisted rope of patience and hope. I don’t know about you, but this is not the “wait” that I grew up with!

      Yesterday after my session I watched the first video of 10 weeks in a Beth Moore Bible study on Esther. How crazy that in the midst of this study, she offered a definition of “hope” as it relates to the Greek word in the Bible: “It is subjectively the inner, psychological sense of hope; confidence, eager anticipation, expectation, longing, or aspiration.” Even when you don’t see God working in your life, you know that He’s about to show up in a mighty way. It may not be today or tomorrow, but when He’s working unseen in your life, how much greater will it be when He makes Himself known?

      “Ok, Sarah, I’m bored. Can you please tell me what this has to do with loss and trying to get pregnant?” Why certainly! My epiphany is this: If waiting is meant to be patience and hope, then I need to look at this experience day by day and wait eagerly for the day that the Lord will give me what He has in store for me (and not be mad or angry if a cycle passes and I’m not pregnant). Instead of spending each month thinking, “Will I EVER get pregnant again? Will I ever have a successful pregnancy?” I need to focus on the fact that my Lord won’t give me a stone when I ask for bread. Nothing bad will come from me asking Him for a child over and over (in fact, He wants us to ask Him for the desires of our hearts), but I also know that He will give me what I need to be fulfilled. That means that if I need to have more time right now with my husband to develop our relationship and communication, before it’s complicated with other little lives that depend on us, then I know He won’t give me my children yet. And right now, as much as I may hurt, I know that in the end He will be glorified, and isn’t that all that really matters?

If you could ask God one question...

What would it be?

I heard this on the radio this morning and it really got me thinking. What would I ask? One question immediately came to mind. "God, why did you take away my baby?" As I sat and thought about it, I realized the answer wouldn't tell me what I wanted to hear. God would probably say something like "His life is better here in my care than it would have been on earth." or "I am growing you through this loss, and one day you will be reunited with him." To that I respond, "REALLY God?? That's it??" and I realize that no answer to this question would truly satisfy me.

Then I thought some more about it and realized how selfish it would be for me to ask that. First off, who am I to question God's plan for my life? Second, if I'm the only person who gets an answer to a question, wouldn't it be better served in another way?

"God, how do I rid the world of hunger?"
"God, how can we achieve world peace?"
"God, how do we reach the Muslim world for you?"
"God, when is Jesus coming back?"

It's so easy to get caught up in our own pain and suffering and miss what else is going on in the world. I am currently in the youth ministry at my church, and after our loss, one of the first things I wanted to do was to go back and continue serving. I have a fantastic community of co-leaders who may not understand my circumstances or pain, but they understand that I hurt and have been there to hug me, let me cry on their shoulders, and stand by my side and pray for me. Even my students stepped up to minister to me after our loss. It's so amazing to see how God rewards us, in a heavenly way, for our service to His kingdom. 

If you could ask God one question, what would it be, and why? I'd love to see some responses in the comments if you have a moment to spare :)

Back from a 3 week break :)

After taking a break for our vacation, I decided to let it continue until after Memorial Day. We had a great trip to the Smoky Mountains in North Carolina, and I really had time to relax and spend some quality time with my husband. Sure, some of our time was spent watching the Food Network and researching mountain bikes (James) and vintage cameras (me), but it was a great time together!! 

Since returning from our vacation, I've had the opportunity to go to therapy weekly, seeing a woman who shares my faith, as well as my theology. In three weeks of talking, she has told me that i am grieving very normally, which was a huge encouragement. Now, that doesn't mean I don't have other past junk that we feel God wants me to work through, but it does mean that God has given me the opportunity to grieve in a healthy manner.

What does grief look like for you? For me, one large thing I did was to purchase this memorial necklace in honor of Gabriel. (Huge thanks to Nettles Jewelery who toiled to help me search catalogs for the perfect necklace!)

The best part about it? The two hearts are intertwined in a way that if you took away the little heart, the big heart is no longer whole. To me it's a perfect symbol of where I am right now: missing my child who is a part of me, but still having parts of my heart that are whole and ready to be consumed by some rainbow babies. In case I haven't used that term before, a rainbow baby is a take-home miracle baby after a storm (loss, infertility, etc). And a take-home baby is one that makes it successfully through the pregnancy and gets to go home to live with mommy and daddy. We're praying very hard for our rainbow baby, and I'm praying for many others to have theirs as well.

At the risk of sharing too much, I want to add that we women aren't the only ones that have our struggles. Our husbands aren't big emotionless bears. Over memorial day weekend, we spent time with James' work family, and one woman was 7-8 months pregnant, and there were two babies, 13 months and 6 months. To make matters worse, we were the only young couple with no children or children in utero. I'd encourage you ladies to be sensitive to what your husband might be going through. James had a difficult time at the beginning of this weekend (as did I) and he talked to me when he wanted to. Don't force them to talk, because it doesn't always help, and it might cause them frustration if they AREN'T hurting, because they feel like they should be hurting. Just be there for support!!!

I won't be posting as often on my blog right now because I'm busy working through things in my life, as well as searching for a job. I can't say how much it means to me to have readers who care about our story, and I really love hearing YOUR stories! Feel free to email me your story at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com :)

Guest Post Thursday: A Struggle through Pain

I meant to share this story last Wednesday, but my day got away from me (and it didn't post yesterday even though it was scheduled!! Sorry, I'll have to look into that after my vacation!). This is the story of my friend Carrie, and while I love sharing my blog with everyone, there is some slightly more adult content than normal, so I would suggest parents read through it first before letting any children (even teens) read it.

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My story starts out a bit different than most, but I feel my story should be told in its entirety to better understand my journey and who I am today.

 I married my wonderful husband on September 19, 2009. He truly is the love of my life. We saved ourselves for each other and our first time being intimate was on our wedding night. We just had this gorgeous wedding full of family, friends and love and we were excited to end the evening by consummating our marriage. Sadly, that is not what happened. For almost two years of our marriage we struggled with a condition called Vaginismus. Vaginismus is a condition that causes intercourse to be impossible or extremely painful. Not only did this ruin my self esteem as a wife, but trying to conceive children was out of the question due to this condition. We went to several specialist within our area and nothing worked, but seemed to exasperate the condition. I was frustrated with my body, for not doing what God had intended it to do. Finally, in July of 2011, we found a treatment center in New York that offered a wonderful two week program and I am happy to say we are finally cured!

 Six months after we were cured, the recommended wait time per our Vaginismus doctors, we decided to start trying for children. We were ecstatic when I got a positive pregnancy test on our first cycle trying! We were both so happy and finally feeling that our struggle with Vaginismus was worth it. Looking back, we were naive, but quickly told everyone and even announced on facebook when I was just 5 weeks pregnant. A week or two after discovering that I was pregnant, I just felt like something wasn’t right. I was cramping a lot so I called my OB. My first appointment wasn’t until I would be over 10 weeks along, so they went ahead and brought me in for beta blood work. My beta levels were alarming low.

They kept trying to tell me that maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought, but I knew in my heart that I was most likely going to miscarry. I had an ultrasound shortly after that showed only a 4 week sac, instead of a six week sac that I should have had at that time. I was devastated. For almost two weeks, I endured blood tests and ultrasounds, just waiting for the final outcome. Finally, my body decided to miscarry on its own. Once again, those familiar feelings of frustration returned. Why can’t my body just be normal like everyone else’s? Everyone else seems to have sex and babies like it is no problem, whats wrong with me?

 And all I could think about was my precious baby that I had lost. I felt connected to my little one from the moment I saw the positive test. The overwhelming feeling of loss was unbearable at times. Our wonderful Vaginismus doctors gave me a beautiful pin when I miscarried that said ‘Mizpah’ on it, which is Hebrew for ‘watchtower’. I named my precious baby ‘Mizpah’ after the pin and the bible verse in Genesis that states “The Lord will watch over you and me while we are apart”. I can’t wait to see my precious baby in the future, but I know for now Jesus is holding and taking care of him.

But, I slipped into a deep deep depression. I became extremely angry at God. I blocked everyone out and stopped going to church. I lashed out angrily at my husband and my loved ones. And on top of that, we are having health insurance issues and we no longer have maternity coverage, which further pushed back trying for another baby anytime soon.

I also became angry because people I thought would be there for me weren’t at all. Yet, I had people that I barely knew who came over to see me, gave me gifts, and cleaned my house. It truly was a blessing that even though the people I ‘expected’ to be there for me weren’t, God provided unexpected people to care for me.

I am still working through my emotions. I am not quite as angry, and I am slowly realizing that as much as Vaginismus and having a miscarriage are truly traumatizing and awful- the only thing that makes it worth it is knowing that I can help someone else who has endured the same awful nightmare. I think of the verse in 2 Corinthians “He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” With that being said if you are personally struggling with Vaginismus, or the aftermath of a miscarriage, feel free to visit my personal blog at http://waitingwamplers.wordpress.com. My contact information is there and I’d love to talk with you.

All of the above is to say, my husband and I have endured trials and we don’t understand the reason why- but even when I don’t believe it, I have to choose to say and believe that God is still good and He is still God. It’s okay to get angry, it’s okay to question Him- but at the end of the day I must trust Him and realize I cannot change that these things happened to me. I must move forward, as difficult as it is- and simply trust.

Mother's Day & Vacation

This week I have the pleasure of going on vacation for the first time (at least in my adult life) to the mountains in NC!! We plan on hiking through the Smoky Mountains National Park, visiting the Biltmore Estate, and getting lots of relax time!

  We had originally planned this vacation for late April, but a w days after our loss, James came Into e room with the sweetest idea! "Why don't we wait and take our vacation over Mother's day weekend so you don't have to be at church?" Have I mentioned how much I love this man??

5 months into our TTC experience, Mother's Day 2010 held so much hope, with not a tiny fragment of disappointment. It hadn't been that long, and many fertile couples try more than 5 months! A year and 5 months into our TTC experience, Mother's Day 2011 was very difficult. Our church does an evening conference on Sundays through May, called "Marriage in May" and on Mother's Day they gave away gift cards to the mothers with the oldest and youngest children. The youngest was less than a week old, the parents were barely legal (or at least they appeared this way to me; they couldn't have been more than 21), and had gotten pregnant just after they got married. Talk about a knife to the heart. I know they didn't take MY baby, but the knife was more that I didn't, and don't, understand why it's so easy for some people to get pregnant and SO difficult for others.

Mother's Day 2012. We have been TTC for almost 2 and a half years. It will be 2 months after I found out about my exciting pregnancy, and almost a month and a half after I found out about our loss. I believe that I definitely fit into the category of "mother", even though my child isn't in my arms. We will have a small celebration on Sunday, most likely a nice dinner. And most of all, I will rejoice that I was able to share the time I had with my sweet Gabriel, and celebrate that he won't suffer the pain of this life.

I have tomorrow's post set to auto-post, but after that I won't be posting until the next Wednesday. It's time for some R&R with my husband and the father of my child.

Friends & Family Friday

Understanding the difference between "fixing" & "listening." I'll warn you, I ended up ranting a little in this post!!

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After a few discussions with some other ladies I know, as well as with my husband, I came to a realization. We don't want you to try and justify or "fix" our situation. Plain and simple. What do I mean by that? Here are a few examples of "fixing" statements.

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"There was obviously something wrong with the baby. You wouldn't want a sick baby, would you?"
First off, there are more things wrong with this statement than trying to "fix" the situation by offering a reason for the loss. It's very very insensitive. I would definitely want a sick baby if it's what God had in store for me. As much as I would be pained to see my child suffer - call me selfish - I'd be able to hold my child, watch him breathe, touch his skin, & see his heart beat. So the fact is now that you have added to my pain by reminding me of what I could be missing out on. When people try to "fix" things, 9 times out of 10 (maybe even more often than that) people end up making things worse.

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"At least you weren't further along."
What people don't seem to understand is that for a couple to have a positive pregnancy test, ESPECIALLY those who have been TTC for a long time, or struggling with IF, there is a deeply seeded emotional attachment from the moment that line turns the faintest bit pink. It doesn't matter if it is a chemical pregnancy (one that is miscarried before a sac has formed), or if it was an infant loss. There is a bond between mother and child. Yes, I know the pain would be even greater if I had been further along, but whatever you do, DON'T diminish my pain, because it's one of the worst emotional pains that a woman deals with in her entire life. No woman should have to mourn the loss of her child.

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Now I'll take a step back from my loss soapbox and look at it from your perspectives. Yes, I can see how you could have the best intentions, and we really appreciate that you want to help. However, I wish you'd step into our shoes, as much as you can, and imagine how that might sound being said to you. Unfortunately, when people try to "fix" things, it makes things worse. We don't want to be fixed right now. We want to mourn the loss of our children in our time. Yes, some people will suffer from great depression, but the best person to help them fix their situation, is them. Take me as an example. I am currently seeking out a therapist for this help. I am going to have the help of someone who is trained in this area, and loves my Jesus. THIS is the person I have chosen to help me "fix" where I am. If I want your help with fixing things, I'll blatantly tell you, no guesswork is needed. :)

For the rest of you, I would just plead with you to listen and express your deepest condolences. There is no greater gift to us than a listening ear and someone to acknowledge the loss of our little ones.

A Great Day!!

Today was an absolutely fabulous day!! I got to spend great quality time with my new youth pastor's 8 year old daughter, and then had a great few hours with his wife and 14 year old son! Talk about a fun family!! 

I had a realization today as Tammy (the mom) kept saying over and over, "Thank you so much for watching A**!!" that what helped her was also helping me! I got to send time with a wild child, who was VERY much like myself at 8! It was probably more of a blessing to me than it was to Tammy! I love seeing life through such young eyes, where every little thing is a huge treat! Going to a playground, wandering around Target, getting frozen yogurt, and even eating lunch! Who knew life could be so awesome every day?! 

Today also made me think about how much it means when people invest in our lives. When we were hanging out, A seemed to hang on my every word, and when I was talking to her mom about maybe helping with math for homeschooling, she yelled from the other end of the house, "PLEASE come help with homeschool!!!" I also remember whenever I was her age and my sister's friends would pay attention to me! It was one of the best feelings ever! So I keep inn mind that she might enjoy my company as much as I enjoy hers. I think we might need to make Sarah & A dates a regular thing!!!!

I wanted to share a quick side note before I sign off. I had a fantastic guest post lined up for yesterday, but the day got away from me!! Look for it next Wednesday!!!

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** - Since my blog is being shared widely on the internet, I will be keeping children's names anonymous for their family's privacy.

An Update: The Mundane & The Difficult

It has been 4 weeks... 4 weeks since I got the worst news I've had in my life...

The Mundane:

Well, I've decided to take a step back from photography. Not only is my market completely over-saturated with photographers (great ones and not-so-great ones), but I've been having a hard time getting a leg up in the industry. I feel as if God is trying to tell me to ale a break, that the business will flourish in its time.

So this means that now I am looking for a job! What am I going to do? Well, I am great doing receptionist and administrative assistant work, and a few opportunities are currently available, so I'm waiting to see where God wants me!

The Difficult:

After a lot of consideration, I have decided to seek out a therapist. Keeping our private life private, I'll just say that I'm having issues communicating what's emotionally going on wth me right now, not only to others but also to myself. I know it sounds strange, but I'm not even sure what I'm feeling, and when I do know, I don't know WHY I feel that way. After talking this through with James (who is being amazingly gracious and supportive right now!!), we both agreed it would be great for me.

Just a side note to my friends. Please don't be offended if I don't open up to you. Talking about how I'm feeling is VERY difficult (it's all I can do to blog!) right now, so please have some grace with me and know its just my current emotions talking. And some times are harder than others (evening is more difficult for me, usually), but I might surprise you and be very open and candid. Just be ready for whatever! Hahaha!

So there you have it! I'm being candid, which is VERY difficult for me right now, but I wanted to keep up the purpose of this blog. I intended it for a way to share my raw feelings (well, somewhat raw), so that no woman struggling after a loss needs to feel alone in her journey!!! Please share my blog with anyone you think may benefit from it!

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If you'd like to share your story of pregnancy loss or infant loss on my blog, please contact me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information!!

Friends & Family Friday!

I've already talked about some things that are very difficult for a woman who just lost her child to hear. Today I'm going to mention a few things that mean the world to us!!!
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I polled some women in my support group to ask them what things helped. The most powerful response I received was told to a woman after her loss of identical twins. Her aunt had a stillborn child, as well as the tragic death of her 6 year old son 12 years later. Her aunt said this:

Welcome to the wonderful club of motherhood.  Those two precious babies impacted your lives in so many ways.  Thank you for sharing them with us.  Just remember, they're the only ones who know what your heart sounds like from inside - what a gift!  You will never forget and neither will I.  Know that I hurt for you and with you.  I know this pain and our Lord will deliver you.

Wow. Just, wow. What powerful words!!! Not only is she acknowledging the loss, but she's also clearly stating "You are a mother!" Some women who have losses never think of themselves as mothers, even tough that's what they are. She notes that she will also never forget those babies either. What a gift to have someone who loves our babies too!! She also shares the hurt. Now, for those of you who haven't had a loss, you can still hurt with us. You may never know the pain, but to have another grieving with us makes it that much easier to carry.

Finally, if you haven't had a loss, I want to thank you for taking the time to read my blog. I hope it helps you interact with me, if you're a friend of mine, or if you are a stranger, I hope it helps you live a more sensitive life, being aware that someone sitting next to you might be dealing with the same pain and turmoil that I am. I pray none of you ever have to experience this pain first hand!

Distractions...

This was written late last night:
Tonight I was on my computer, and I had the desire to go online and "browser shop" (the web version of window shopping) and I realized there was nothing I wanted. Nothing I wanted to save up for, no purchase goals in the foreseeable future, not even the next and best camera! Now let me tell you, this has NEVER happened to me before. 

So as I sat here, I decided I'd get to work on the memorial shadow box I'm creating in Gabriel's honor. I've been shopping for the perfect digital scrapbook paper for over an hour. I have been listening to music by a country artist I recently found and these lyrics came up in a song: 

"Had this picture in my mind, where we would be in time. But sometimes plans don't go your way. Feels so hard to break away from you. Why'd it have to end this way? Lord I wish that you could stay. And there's still so much I need from you."

At this point I stopped shopping when I felt my heart cinch tight. All of this shopping...this daily life of distractions...it's all there to keep me from feeling this pain. To distract me from what's really going on.

Do I know how to deal with this grief? Clearly not. It is by far the most painful thing I've ever experienced and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Guest Post: The long road to a Rainbow Baby...

Today's post was written by a great friend of mine that I have known for almost 2 years. She was one of the first people that I saw get pregnant during my time TTC that I was over the moon happy for, because I knew her story. For those of you who don't know, a rainbow baby is a take-home baby (that survives pregnancy) that comes after a stormy time, like infertility or a loss.

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I am 1 in 4.
I am the face of the silent 1 in 4.
I have been in silent grief for almost 3.5 years.  

Before I go any further, know that I am blessed. I have a beautiful & healthy almost 8 month old daughter. I am unbelievably lucky. While I have a wonderful & healthy little girl to snuggle with every day... daily I also grieve the loss of my first sweet child.

November 2008... 

Carefree & happy we walked into the dr’s office on a Friday morning, excited to get to hear our little one’s heartbeat. About two hours later we walked out....crushed, devastated, heartbroken. The heartbeat we were looking so forward to hearing wasn’t there. With that one doctor’s visit I had lost my innocence & joy about pregnancy. I had experienced the dark side of pregnancy.

Immediately I wanted to know WHY. Why me? Why my baby? Why. What did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? That night while curled up in a ball & sobbing on the bed in the dark I remembered something that happened 4 days before I got the + I had been dreaming of. We had gone to a neighbor friend’s house to hang out. DH had a couple beers & I had 2 glasses of Moscato, my favorite wine. I unknowingly had alcohol while pregnant. In my head that was my why.

I’ve read & have been told all the medical facts on how it was too early for the alcohol to have affected the baby but it doesn’t matter. Don’t bother telling me the alcohol didn’t cause it. What matters to me is that my little one trusted me from day 1 of formation & I betrayed that trust.

I went back to the dr early the next week to get checked out. I had wanted so badly for things to happen “naturally” & without medical intervention but there wasn’t any sign of that happening. I was given the option of trying medication before a D&C so I chose to do that. I thought the medicine would make it less traumatic. I was so naive. That night I crawled in agony into the bathroom, unable to walk due to the cramping, where I stayed for a few hours. Without going into all the gory details will just say that I saw my baby and it is an image that will be forever embedded in my mind. The medication route was not as “less traumatic” as I had hoped it might be.

Having missed a few days of work I went back into the office at the end of that week & immediately ran into a co-worker who said “hey where have you been?” I responded “oh just needed to take a few days off.” He responded “good for you. Did you have a good vacation away from here?” Holding back tears I mumbled that it wasn’t a vacation, I had a miscarriage, & walked off while he stood in silence. 

Quickly realizing that nearly every time I shared my loss with someone I got misguided comments in return, I decided to be extremely selective on who I told in order to “protect” my relationship with that person. The comments weren’t meant to be harmful but each hit me with the force of a thousand stones...

"At least you weren’t that far along”

"Thank goodness you didn’t tell everyone you were pregnant. That would be so hard to deal with.” 

“God must think it’s not your time yet to be a mother.”

“God knows best.”

When my Grandfather had a massive stroke 3 months after my miscarriage my boss said: “Can you imagine still being pregnant while dealing with this? Good thing you only have him to focus on right now.”

December 2010... 

After nearly 2.5 years of trying to have a baby, I randomly woke up very early in the morning & knew I was pregnant. Wide awake I went to the bathroom & took a test - positive!

I beamed at the word “pregnant” on the stick but quickly my excitement was met with anxiety & fear. During the entire pregnancy I stepped into each doctor’s appointment with trepidation. I followed every rule & old wives tale there was. I was even afraid to jinx the pregnancy by filling out the pregnancy journal a friend gave me. I was hopeful & loved the baby that was growing inside me but my positive view of pregnancy had been distorted & I lived in fear that I would be crushed again.   

August 2011... 

I delivered my beautiful little girl. The weeks leading up to the birth were scary...cervix issue, pre-term labor, & pre-eclampsia landed me on bedrest until my dr decided it was time to get the baby out. I was admitted to the hospital for my induction on Wednesday night and endured 2 days of back labor. Friday night I was finally ready to push. Then with every push the baby’s heart rate dropped. Knowing that I really wanted to avoid a c-section the doctor tried the vacuum twice but it was unsuccessful. I was rushed to an emergency c-section. My husband got scrubbed up & in the operating room just as our little girl was born.

All the fear & anxiety I had during the entire pregnancy melted away when she was placed in my husband’s arms & brought to my head so I could see her. She was here. She had made it safely into the world & into our arms. I could breathe again. I am blessed.

Today... 

I have a wonderful daughter. I couldn’t ask for a better baby. I still wonder about the “what ifs.” What if I had been healthier when I got pregnant? What if I didn’t have that wine? What if the heartbeat was missed, were they 1000000% sure? What if my daughter one day asks me or finds out about her lost sibling, how will I respond?? If that baby had lived, would I have my daughter today? What if I had been a better Christian, wife, human? What if?

 Despite all the “what ifs” I know that I have something that others dream of. I have been given the gift that not everyone gets. Because of my loss I realize just how precious my daughter’s life is & how vulnerable a pregnancy can be. I treasure my little girl & take time to snuggle with her every night. The pediatrician says we need to do sleep training... I say if she wants to be rocked to sleep or have an extra cuddle in the middle of the night, I will happily oblige without complaint. I know just how blessed I am. I appreciate the opportunity to cuddle her at night. Because I know what it’s like to lose a child, every little moment with my daughter is a big moment.

I still haven’t had a drop of alcohol since that glass of Moscato.

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If you would like to share your story on my blog, I would love to feature it! Please email me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information. You never know how many women your story might speak to!

Vulnerability

When you're having a down day and someone asks you how you're doing, do you respond with "I'm good!" or do you take a moment, think about how you are, and answer truthfully "I'm not doing so great."

Too many times in my life I've felt, and given in to, the temptation to just brush off how I'm feeling for a variety of reasons. I'm too busy. They don't really want to know. It will take too long to explain. It's none of their business. They'll pity me. They'll go gossip about me.

Vulnerability in our culture is seen as a sign of weakness. Unfortunately this is so far from the truth. I view vulnerable people as the most honest, because they're willing to admit when not everything in their life is going according to the "great American plan."

I have been learning in the past few weeks to be vulnerable with people. Yes, there are inappropriate times to tell the entire context of why you're having a bad day/week/year. However, I want you to respect yourself and when people ask how you're doing, be real. You might be shocked at how understanding people are!

If you don't want to tell someone your whole story, do what I do. If they ask why you're not doing great, just say "I have just been going through a lot of stuff in my life right now." and you'll be surprised how many people won't nose further! I really hope you'll all step forward and when someone asks you how you're doing, you take a moment and really answer them truthfully!! No one is doing perfect everyday!!!!!
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If you haven't shared your story of pregnancy loss or infant loss on my blog yet and you'd like to, please send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com so we can reach more people through our varied trials!

A place where sorrow and joy commune

Today as I'm sitting back in the waiting room at my doctor's office for my follow-up appointment, I've been thinking back to the past month.

On March 27th I walked in to this office, waiting for the confirmation that I had lost my baby. It was the most stressful & sorrowful experience I thought I'd have. When I left, I had a picture of a gestational sac, my baby, nestled right where it needed to be, and a plan from the doctor to check on the baby every week. I was overjoyed!!!

One week later, I entered this waiting room with the greatest joy and hope since the bleeding was stopping, only to walk out with a broken heart and empty arms.

It boggles my mind that one room can be a place of such great joy and love for one woman, and at the same time for the woman next to her, the worst place in the world. I'm so fortunate to have such an attentive and caring doctor, as well as a fabulous team of nurses, because if I didn't, I don't know how I would have managed through the worst of the physical part.

Now it's time for the emotional and spiritual part. It's quite painful to make such dramatic shifts up and down on the worlds craziest roller coaster, but I have to keep reminding myself that God is here with me, He's never left my side, despite all of the pain I'm enduring. That's my one saving grace.

Guest Post Wednesday: A struggle through infertility and loss

  First, let me apologize for not posting yet this week. I've been taking a couple days to spend some time with family and get some work done. I'm heading home today, so I'll be more active in the future!

Today's post is by a sweet friend of mine that I've known for almost 2 years. We've struggled together through trying to get pregnant, and were reunited through the loss support group we're both a part of. Out of respect for her wishes, I will keep her anonymous, but she's an incredible woman that I am blessed to call my friend!!!

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It was Valentine's day 2010, and my husband handed me the Mayo Clinic Pregnancy Guide. His gift this year was letting me know he was finally ready to start trying to have children (I'd been ready a long time ago of course). Now being of the academic sort, I picked up a copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility", a basal thermometer, and a bottle of prenatal vitamins. I switched to decaf and started reading. I was going to do this right. I'd always been a regular sort of gal, so I figured six months tops and I'd be pregnant.  

First cycle we tried I was super patient; I was 17 days past ovulation and finally pulled out a home pregnancy test. Shaking, I paced the bathroom and waited. I was so sure since there was no sign of my period that it was going to be positive. Two minutes later there was only one line staring back at me. I waited the full five minutes, nothing. I waited an extra five minutes... Still nothing. I was shocked, I climbed back into bed and snuggled up next to my husband. "Are you pregnant?" he asks.  I barely got the word “no” out before bursting into tears. I had told myself before we started that cycle that I wouldn't cry. My husband reminded me that it would probably take a few cycles. I knew this, but there is nothing logical about being female and trying to get pregnant. I have a PhD in chemistry and even I can't be 100% logical about the process.  

Eleven months and thirteen more cycles later (for a grand total of fourteen break downs. Yup, I cried every time) I went to see my OB/GYN with my tail tucked between my legs.  Everyone tells you it isn't your fault, but it is so hard not to feel like a failure when things don't work.  She sent me down to the lab for some blood work and wrote a script for my husband to get a semen analysis. My FSH was slightly elevated. The lab wanted to see it under 10 and mine was 11. Also, my husband’s count had come back borderline and his motility wasn't great. She was going to refer me to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).  

What a huge sigh of relief; they had found something wrong. I warned you that there is nothing logical about this process. And if logic flies out the window when you are trying to get pregnant, the crazies come out in full force when you are dealing with infertility. Because that is what happens after one year of trying with no success.  

The RE ordered a second semen analysis and checked a few more things with me. It turns out the FSH wasn't really that big a deal and since my husband's second analysis came back about the same, we were diagnosed with mild male factor issues. So we moved onto to intrauterine insemination (IUI). With 3-4 follicles and 1 million sperm (much lower than expected...turns out his sperm don't like the spin cycle typically used during the prepping process) we did the procedure and waited. The RE told us not to be hopeful, but two weeks later, for the first time ever, there was a second line!! I was finally pregnant and with my one in a million. I had to wait five more days to get a beta draw because I was on a business trip. The results took forever to come, they should have been around 400 by that point, but came back at 48. I knew then, that it was over. The nurse tried to tell me that all would be okay, it was still within acceptable range. But I knew too much. I know what the detection limit of those home pregnancy tests are and that your beta is suppose to double ever 48-72 hours. Sure enough, two days later, it was only 69. I was to come back one more time... the third test confirmed it, 25. I started bleeding the next day.

I cried of course, but I was oddly not as upset as expected. I had finally gotten pregnant after all. It was possible for me to get pregnant. I told myself this was God's way of telling me that I would get pregnant, that he knew I needed to see that it could happen, but this just wasn't the month He wanted it to happen. It wasn't until the 2nd IUI failed completely that the reality of my loss really settled in. I cried harder that time, and harder still when IUI #3 and #4 didn't work. In fact after #4 failed I had such a complete breakdown that my husband and I decided we would try in vitro fertilization (IVF). I had barely made it through the one trigger shot I had to have with each IUI cycle and only the pain of my loss plus all those failed cycles gave me the motivation for the 40 some odd shots I had to deal with for IVF.  

The success rates for IVF are much higher than for IUIs and I was finally hopeful again. Sure enough, after transfer a single blastocyte, I got another positive pregnancy test. The test was so faint though, that I wasn't surprise when the beta result came back low, 20. Two days later it was 10. Loss number two.  

We took a month off and tried a frozen embryo cycle (we were fortunate enough to have five extra embryos frozen, our snow babies). We transferred two and waited. Beta #1 came back 239! I couldn't believe it. The second and third, 383 and 871. Finally! I had a long way to go, but things had never looked so good.  

Two days later, I started bleeding. I called the doctor and explained what was going on. The RE said it was fine; it happens. Call back if the bleeding gets heavier, but what I was experiencing now was no cause for alarm. The next morning it got a little worse. They brought me in for an ultrasound and there were two little sacs. I was pregnant with twins! It was too early to see the actual babies yet, but I left feeling positive. Even with the bleeding, my babies were still there. But two hours after my ultrasound I probably lost one or both. Three days later I had another bought of heavy bleeding. The ultrasound the next morning confirmed it: empty.  

I keep the ultrasound picture of my two little angels by my computer monitor. I look at them every day. That might be closest I get to ever seeing my own biological children.  We have enough frozen embryos for one more frozen embryo cycle, and then we will probably be moving onto adoption. While we wait to do the final transfer, we're having a few more tests run (the doctors start looking for other things once you've had 2-3 losses). So far the doctors can't figure out why we are having such difficulties. The mild male factor should have been corrected with the IUIs and the IVF. It just doesn't make sense.  

So we are still waiting, with empty arms, hoping again that they find something wrong, something we can fix. I am broken inside, from my three losses, from all the stabs to my tummy and my arms, from all the money we've spent trying to get pregnant instead of being able to save for a house. It just doesn't happen for everyone.

Friends & Family Friday

Let's get one thing straight. Women who have just had a loss are not only dealing with crazy hormones, but we're also dealing with a ton of emotional turmoil. Without God's grace over the situation, things said from the kindest heart in sympathy to a grieving mother can be taken by that woman as an insult. So on Fridays I will be posting directly to friends and families of people who have had losses, as well as encourage you to share it for the greater knowledge of our generation!

So here's a little peek into the mind of a woman who has just lost her child.

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Things that aid the pain...

Imagine someone would come up to me, knowing I am only 24, and I have plenty of life ahead of me and say (in the sweetest way), "At least you can get pregnant!" Now, seeing this from their perspective, they know one thing, and that's that I was able to be pregnant, even if I lost it. (I want to add here that I FULLY acknowledge that there are women struggling with infertility who would love to be pregnant, but no one is jealous of anyone. No one wants to struggle with IF, and no one wants to deal with loss.)

When you flip the coin and look at it from my perspective, you'll see how harsh it can sound through all of the emotions and hormones (not to mention massive amounts of grief). I could easily hear that as them saying that it was no big deal that I lost a child, as they pass over it and look towards future children. Seeing as I am still in the grieving process, I still want to give FULL recognition to this child, whether he's here with me anymore or not. Also, for many women, the fear of having future miscarriages is very present, and not all women are guaranteed successful pregnancies after a loss, so this statement just serves as the devil's weapon to make us feel like we're broken.

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"So you never saw the heartbeat? Well you're blessed it was so early!"

No. Just no. There is so much wrong with this statement. Yes, I can see how from an outsider's perspective that they can see that a loss at 20 weeks, or an infant loss would be worse, but when you're dealing with the grief of losing your child, NOTHING is worse than that. No matter the stage, everyone has grief, and if someone tries to diminish that by saying something like this, it's almost as if they're saying "Oh, you shouldn't be grieving this much, because it could have been worse." That pretty much says to me "Oh, you're being ridiculous. Just stop having a pity party and move on." Again, harsh, but it's the honest truth of how we see things.

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 "Now you have an angel up in heaven to watch over you."

I can see that this would come from a sweet place in someone's heart, but we don't need a reminder that we don't have our children here in our arms, where we can't see them learn to walk, learn to drive a car, graduate high school, get married, or have children of their own. As much as we do acknowledge it ourselves, we don't need that reminder.

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Things that we LOVE!!

 The number ONE thing to remember when speaking to a woman who has lost her child is to acknowledge the loss. Too many times women who have early miscarriages or chemical pregnancies get passed over in this, for the simple fact that people think they haven't had time to form an emotional attachment (let me assure you, we did).

"This child was unique, special and irreplaceable. I know children are not interchangeable and the fact that you can have other children does not lessen the grief of losing this one."

 These words are those of sympathy and compassion. There is no way to take this the wrong way, it is fully understood that you are acknowledging our child and our pain, without making it seem like we're being ridiculous and not diminishing our child's mark on our lives.

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"There is no particular way you 'should' feel or things you 'should' do. There are no rules about how grieving should go."

These words give us the freedom to grieve as we feel we want to. They give us the freedom to let go of our fears of whether something is wrong with us and to spend some time mourning the loss of our child. Everyone mourns differently. Some people can be as normal as they will ever be (which is never quite the same) in a month, others it may take five years. There's no recipe to get over the loss of a child, so when we have friends confirm that we aren't abnormal, it provides comfort!!


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I have created this blog with the intentions of using it as a community and support for women who have suffered a loss. If you would like to share your story, or share things that your friends and family have done to help you through this time, please contact me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com

Blessing through community

When I say that there is blessing through community, I'm not talking about my friends who have helped me throughout this (although they have been a tremendous blessing), but an even greater blessing comes from other women who know where my mind and heart are at right now. Women who have experienced loss, no matter what stage.

Yesterday I was blessed to have lunch with a friend I met through an online support forum. We realized that we lived in the same city, and having that community was fantastic. We were able to sit and have lunch with each other, for a while not even talking about our losses, and at the same time there was a special bond because we were coming from the same place.

One of my very good friends has also had 2 miscarriages, and from the first moment I thought I might be miscarrying, she came bearing flowers and sweets. These people are such a blessing because they know that nothing they can do will take away my pain, but that by being there with me, it decreases all of our pain. In joining together through our pain, we are able to help care for each other.

I really want to encourage my readers to share this blog with your friends. I've already had people I don't even know send me an email wanting to share their story. The positive feedback I've received is so humbling, to know that this one blog is making a difference in people's lives. So, don't share it for me, share it for them. I created it to supply a safe place for information and emotional connection, and I know that it is already being used by God for His glory!

Colossians 3:17 "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."

1 Corinthians 10:31 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

Psalm 150
Praise the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness. Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with timbrel and dancing, praise him with the strings and pipe, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.


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If you have had a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, and would like to share your story to encourage others (and to have a therapeutic outlet!), send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com for more information!

Guest Post Wednesday: "My name is Sarah"

Today's post is by a dear friend who helped me through the darkest hours following my miscarriage... I'm honored to have her share her story with you today! (it's worth the long read!!)

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My name is Sarah, and I am one in four.   My name is Sarah, and I am one in four.  My name is Sarah, and I am one in four.  My name is Sarah and I am one in four.

My name is Sarah and I have lost four beautiful children. 

Thinking back to those moments certainly dig up painful feelings, but I want to share my story.  It is my prayer that my words will not return void, but will be a comfort for someone else.  I pray that through my story you will see the kindness of the Lord as he upheld me through each loss.    

“Bless the LORD, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name!”

Psalms 103:1

Early in the fall of 2005, I discovered I was pregnant.  My husband and I had waited for about 5 years before we started “trying”.  Needless to say, I was very much elated when Miss Flo missed her monthly appointment!  I wanted to find a cool way to share this with my husband, so I quickly calculated my due date and then bought a Cleveland Browns outfit that would fit the baby during football season.  I remember feeling so blessed that I was carrying a child.  That day will still live in my memory as one of the best days of my life.   After I shared with my husband, we decided to tell our friends and family almost immediately.  All of a sudden, I saw pregnant ladies everywhere I went and even found out that a friend of mine was due about a week before I was.  She and I went out for (decaf) coffee to bond over our newly discovered pregnancies.  However, unbeknownst to me, my child had already gone to be with the Lord.  

I discovered my loss around week 7 as I had begun to bleed.   My doctor at the time confirmed that I was indeed miscarrying; the baby had only made it to about 6 weeks of life, and began to share with me some facts about miscarriage.  It was at the point I heard the statistic of 1 in 4 pregnancies result in a loss.  I allowed nature to take its course and passed the remains of my pregnancy at home.  To be honest, I have never fully recovered from losing my child.  There are days that I grieve this loss as intensely as the day when I first found out.  Every time I see my friend’s little girl, I am reminded that, had I carried my child to term, he or she would be in first grade probably with a gap-toothed grin and I’d be playing the part of the Tooth Fairy.  Even though losing that child was difficult, I knew the Lord was near to me and laid with me in the darkness as I silently cried over the emptiness I felt.  I chose to bless His holy name. 

“These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”

1^st Peter 1:7

It was in June of 2006 that I discovered I was once again pregnant.  Cautiously elated, I shared the news with my husband and we decided to only tell family and close friends.  But once again I began to bleed.  My heart stopped the minute I saw the evidence that I was, once again, going to lose another child.  I had begun to bleed over the weekend and quietly passed my baby at home yet again.  I was 8 weeks pregnant.  I remember crying out to the Lord in anguish and asking, “Why me?”  The answer was, “Why not you?”  As a Christian, I am not guaranteed that life will go smoothly and be perfect.  I am not guaranteed that I will not experience loss in one way or another.  All I know is that my God is a God of love and that, through my losses, His glory would be shown. 

“For I the LORD your God will hold your right hand, saying to you, Fear not; I will help you.”

Isaiah 41:13

Later that year, in the fall, I discovered, yet again, that I was pregnant.  Shaken by my previous miscarriages, I was understandably nervous.  At this point, I had a new doctor who told me that most miscarriages happen within the first 8 weeks and once we heard or saw a heartbeat, the risk of miscarriage drops dramatically.  I had an ultrasound and we saw my baby’s heartbeat.  Comforted by this fact, I nervously waited for those weeks to fly by until I was out of the “danger zone” and they did.  I can remember the slight panic I would feel every time I went to the bathroom.  What I would see?  I couldn’t help but to wonder if I would find evidence that I was going to lose another child.    However, the Lord saw it fit to bless me with a child and on June 26, 2007, I delivered a healthy baby boy. 

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord.  Plans to prosper you, not to harm you.  Plans to give you hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

In early October of 2008, I found out that I was with child yet again.  Still feeling the pain of my previous miscarriages, but bolstered by the birth of my son, I was cautiously optimistic about this pregnancy.  However, like in the other two, I began to bleed around week 9.  I started scouring the Internet for stories of women who had bled but went on to deliver healthy babies.  I hung on to every word in every story and prayed that I, too, would be able to add my story to theirs.  I went in for an ultrasound, and took a VHS tape with me, confident that I was not in the process of losing my baby, but was having some bleeding that was “normal”.  As I stared at the screen of wavy grey, white and black lines, I searched eagerly for some sign of life.   I could tell by the face of the technician that the news was not favorable.  She quietly stopped the ultrasound, handed me back my VHS tape and very kindly directed me to wait in the waiting room to see the doctor.   I could not believe it; I had lost another child.  My doctor told me that this child had lived for approximately 8 weeks.  

My soul was crushed.  My heart was in shreds as I listened to his words.  The moment seemed so surreal—to be honest, I had a very hard time believing it was true.  I went home that afternoon and watched the ultrasound tape over and over again wanting so very much to see what the trained ultrasound technician and doctor couldn’t—a sign that my baby was alive.   I grasped onto the stories I read on the Internet of women who had an ultrasound confirm that their child was no longer alive, but then, miraculously delivering a healthy baby.  Due to age of my baby, I was scheduled for a D & C, and even asked upon waking if the doctor was sure my baby was dead.  I screamed and raged at God for quite some time after that.  I was so angry that women who didn’t even care for their children were having babies like rabbits, yet I, had lost my third child.  I didn’t understand the purpose of everything I was going through.  I struggled to understand why the Lord was allowing this to happen to me when He promised to love me. 

It was during this time and through my raging storm that I heard the Lord speak to my soul.  He reminded me of the time when Jesus was walking on water and his disciple, Peter, wanted to walk to him.  Every time Peter took his eyes off the Lord, he began to sink in the waves with the wind threatening to overtake him.  Peter cried out to the Lord to save him, and in typical Jesus fashion, He said, “You of little faith, why do you doubt?”  The Lord knows my future.  He knows my path.  He truly knows what is best.  I chose to cling to this promise instead of push away from the Lord. 

“We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.”

Romans 5:3-5 

A few months later, I conceived another child and thankfully the Lord saw fit to allow me to carry this child to term.  In September of 2009, I gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Isabel.  She is so full of life and radiates love.

“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world."

John 16.33

In November of 2011, my husband and I were given the gift of pregnancy once more.   We were able to see the heartbeat on the ultrasound around 6 weeks, but little did I know that would be the only time I would see my child on this side of eternity.  My baby died shortly after that, however, my body did not reject the pregnancy until my 10^th week.  As with the last pregnancy, I had a D & C.   While I deeply grieved the loss of this child, much like I did the others, I also had a total feeling of peace that surrounded me.  I knew that the Lord was going to use my story and my life to bring comfort and peace to others.  I knew that the Lord’s glory, love, and peace would be brought to light through my story. 

People often ask me how I did it, how have I survived the loss of four children?  On this side of things, I can answer honestly that I only survived because the Lord carried me through each and every loss.  The Lord wept with me as I wept over each child I would never hold or kiss.    The Lord sat beside me as I raged at Him for putting me through this the first time and then again each subsequent time.  The Lord cried over the breaking of my heart as I cried over the loss of my child.  The Lord never left my side and He will never leave yours.

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You too can share your story!! Send me an email at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com and I can help you get it together!

Fulfilling His will in our lives...

I have several scriptures set aside for days like today, when my day gets busy and I'm feeling uninspired. The one I'd like to share today is this:

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9, 10 NIV)

Do I delight that my child was taken from me? No. Does the Lord give us things in our lives that we can't endure? No. Do I delight that He entrusted me with this burden because He knew I could handle it through His grace? Absolutely :)

A woman I know, that is also dealing with a loss, shared something a good friend spoke over her. God's plan is sovereign, and it's not our time until our purpose on Earth has been fulfilled. What a privelege to give life to someone who fulfills Gods purpose for their life in a matter of a few weeks, before they even enter the world!

I am such a proud mother. I'm proud of my Gabriel for doing the Lord's work in his short little life. Who knew such a tiny person could so radically change my world, and the world of those who hear his story? I am a proud mother, indeed.

Things I will miss...

Well, I guess I'm posting a second post today. The book review was great and all, but after spending a little bit of time on facebook, I had to go ahead and write this since I'm determined for this blog to be a REAL representation of me and my experience right now.

As most of you probably know by now, I love photography, and I'm a photographer. I was looking through pictures by one business, and so far looking at pictures of babies and children hasn't affected me at all. Until today. I was scrolling through pictures, and there was a diptic (two pictures together, like a collage) of an older boy, probably 12, with his head thrown back in laughter.

This is a moment I will never be able to share with Gabriel. I will never be able to argue with him over his skater-boy hair that I insist is too long. I will never be able to take him to the movie theater so he can hang out with his friends. I'll never see him be the big protective brother to his little siblings.

Today is a hard day.

Book Reaction: "I Will Carry You" by Angie Smith Pt. 1

I don't want this to just be a simple book review. I want this to be my heart's reaction to this book, and to share how it affects me. This book was a very emotional read, but it's the most REAL book I believe I've ever read. (Know that as I read it, I highlighted parts that stuck out to me, and they're 45 in total, so I'm going to cut it down to the top 6 and do 3 posts about the book).

First off, if you aren't sure whether or not you're up to reading this book right now, I'll let you know know that I spent most of the first several chapters with at least a few tears streaming down my face. When she describes their time with their daughter as she was dying and the burial, I had to put the book down for about 10 minutes because not only was I crying, I was also sobbing uncontrollably as I shared this mother's grief.

Now was it worth it, with all the tears and emotions I invested into her story? Absolutely. The later half of her book is all about how she used her daughter's story as a ministry, and how that helped her channel her grief. Does she still miss her daughter? Yes. Is it still painful knowing she's not here? Yes. But is she submitting to God's will for her life and her daughter's life? Absolutely yes.

I want to go through some things I marked in the book that really spoke to me. Today I'll cover the first part of her story, dealing with the pregnancy and her knowledge that she was carrying a child that, according to medical diagnosis, would be born still, and the delicate balance she had to carry between preparing for her daughter's death and holding out for a miracle from the One who can. I'll also get a little bit into where her heart was after her daughter was born.

For your reference, she interweaves her story with the story of Mary & Martha, who write to Jesus that their brother is sick, knowing that He can heal Lazarus, and puts herself in Martha's shoes. So when I reference it, you know where her mind is at.

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Jesus didn't come directly to Lazarus while he was sick, but waited two more days before he left. Angie speculates as to what thoughts Mary & Martha might have been struggling with as they waited.

"Maybe He was punishing them for something they had done in the past. Maybe He was too busy. Maybe He didn't care. Maybe they didn't matter to Him as much as they thought they did. Maybe He wasn't powerful enough for this situation. Maybe He wasn't who He said He was after all."

She continues on to ask the reader if they have been in the same position as her, thinking those thoughts late in the night when the lights of the house had long been out. "In the dark of night, it is easy to surrender to the lies."

Have you been there? I know I have. Somehow, during the light of day, it doesn't quite hurt as much. But when all is still and silent, when my husband is fast asleep, I have the hardest time. The night after we found out, I couldn't sleep because of my hurt. Around midnight, I received a message from an acquaintance I know through photography, and she had seen that I miscarried, so not knowing if I was a believer or not, she sent me the link to a song by Kim Walker-Smith, entitled "I Need You More."  I put in my headphones and as soon as the song started, I lost it. I bought the CD it was on, and listened to the CD for an hour while crying and sobbing out my pain. I know God used her to provide me with an outlet for my grief, because my pain had been so great as I was bottling it.

You're broken. You're incomplete. You'll always have issues getting pregnant. You couldn't even keep this baby for a month, no wonder it took you two years to get pregnant. You aren't worthy of being a parent right now.

These are the lies that the devil was feeding me before I got that lifeline message that there's One who cares about my pain, and even though I don't understand it, and I never will, He has a plan. Please, if you're in this same situation late at night, find some worship music to listen to. Start praying to the One who will hold your pieces as you fall apart. Your husband can only help you so much, and at these times, you need your Maker.

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After the birth of their daughter, they received the miracle of 2.5 hours to spend with her as her little heart gradually slowed.

"I wasn't angry. I was strangely, impossibly lat peace. If you were to ask me what emotion dominated for the next several hours, I would say it was joy. I've seen a beautiful quote frequently referenced by various individuals that sums it up perfectly, 'Joy is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ.' I have no doubt that the Lord was in our midst and that He drank deeply of our sorrow that day."

Let me repeat that quote again for you. "'Joy is not the absence of trouble, but the presence of Christ." Wow. That absolutely floored me. All of this pain I've been experiencing, all of this loss, heartache, He's here, and in that I can find joy. Now don't get me wrong, joy is not going and living like a "normal" person. It will take me a very long time to be "normal," and no one should feel rushed. It's a process, and grief is appropriate.

My pastor said something on Sunday (Easter!) that really struck me. "You don't get joy looking back, you get joy looking forward [to the future]!" I know that one day, I will meet my Maker, and with him will stand my little Gabriel. I have not just the hope, but I also have the knowledge that I will see him again!! Yes, it's difficult to not have him here with me, but I know for a fact that he is my son, I am his mother, and the best thing for both of us is for me to realize that I don't need to protect him now, because as frail as he was when he was taken, the One who made him is keeping him for me!!

The many faces of grief... and how to work through it.

After talking with a few women over the past few days, I'm starting to realize how differently grief looks in different people's lives. Some women struggle with not eating, some struggle with eating too much, and then they struggle with weight loss or gain. Some women sit at home in a numb state not really wanting to believe what has happened, while other women bury themselves in work and live in a state of denial. Some struggle with insomnia, and some sleep too much.

Whatever type of loss you have had, grief is an appropriate reaction, and no one can tell you HOW to grieve. Yes, there are dangerous ways of handling your grief, but at some point we all need to find healthy ways to deal with our grief. For me, it's blogging and ministering to women who have already come to me in the past 24 hours since I released my blog and told me their stories and asked for my advice. Yes, I have moments where I sit at home and I'm completely numb. I also have nights where I lay in bed not able to sleep, and not because of active thoughts of grief, I just can't sleep.

So how do you keep yourself from falling into the states of grief that are more detrimental to your health, like weight gain or loss, or severe depression from bottling up your grief? 

For the food issues, you have to get to a point where you realize that no food you eat or avoid is going to satisfy that void. You lost your child; binging and starvation won't bring him or her back to you, they'll just add to your depression when you look in the mirror, and you'll go back to eating because you don't like how you look. Trust me, the food ones are very tough, and require a huge amount of self control. Try asking someone to be an accountability partner with you, someone who won't pester you about it, but will lovingly ask you about it with your health their #1 priority.

For people that tend to be bottlers *I'm raising my hand here too*, you have to realize that the people around you aren't going to judge you for your pain. Bottling your pain will only lead to an explosion later in life when that bottle has been filled beyond capacity. I've experienced that as the bottler, as well as the onlooker. It's not a pretty thing, and very painful to experience for all parties involved. I would really encourage you to talk your spouse and tell them what's going on. 9 times out of 10 you will find a very supportive person who will listen to you, hold you while you cry, and wipe the tears from your eyes.

The root issue with bottling is denial. To cease bottling, you have to admit to yourself that you had a baby, he or she was taken from you, and you won't be with them again until heaven. That's a really hard pill to swallow, but if there's one thing I can say to you all (from the fresh perspective of a miscarriage myself, so it comes with love), it's that our children won't have to suffer the pain of this world. They won't know the hurt that we are living in, day in and day out. For me, I find peace in this.

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I love that this blog is reaching so many already! Please, share your stories with me so that I can create guest posts with them! I want this to be about a community! To share your story, email it to me at sarah.myheartsmusings@gmail.com